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6 months pregnant and considering divorce(2 Posts)
I cannot bear the atmosphere any more. Anyone else not sleeping?!
I've posted a few weeks back about the fall out of a holiday with friends, who I now realise are toxic.
In brief, DH have been together 8 years, we already have a DD who's 2. These 'friends' are a married couple- DH's friends who he's known through the army for 18 years. The holiday was a nightmare, they were rude, critical, judgemental, argumentative and upset me on a number of occasions- to tears, didn't show them this, in private with DH. He never defended me, he stopped me from arguing back. By day 3 I was searching for flights home. Yes I'm nearly 6 months pregnant, but I never, I did my bit, all the while with our toddler, my DH was on holiday and did less. I'm a bit more emotional, I guess, but this is since the holiday, and I'm also nervous about seeing them again, I feel they are quite bullying.
The background of these people are that when I met my DH, he told me they were very close friends, they are 'blunt' and 'direct', but they've always helped him out and vice versa (they take from him in reality) and basically it was important that I 'got on with them'. Well, after a first night of the spanish inquisition from her, I got on with them, I was younger, pre-children, and I'm quite a tolerant person I guess. Over the years they've been rude, insulting, domineering etc they're kind of alpha people that other people pander to. They are 15 years older than me. The man was some sort of high up sergeant, and I could not tolerate his behaviour about a year ago but DH made a lot of excuses for him and I relented. The woman caused a torrent of shit between my mother and I during our wedding, my mother and father can't stand her. DH's mother can't understand what hold they have over DH, although she would never say this, and doesn't want to upset him (apple of her eye of course).
DH and I rowed massively after the holiday, I told him I was cutting all ties with them, they crossed the line with me, they were critical of our DD too, which DH also admitted it annoyed him a bit too. They made me feel so unsafe, uncomfortable, unwelcome, I felt drained and low after that, so happy to be home and away from them. DH wasn't happy with my decision but seemed to accept it after a while. But now I realise it was because he thought it would blow over. She's trying to make contact with me, I've blown her off. I also wonder if I'm the only one out of all the army wives that sees a lot of her, as the others seem to have drifted off, are uncontactable!
DH is tense with me all the time, I'm feeling resentment, it's not even his bloody family yet it's like he cannot accept how I feel. I'm not stopping HIM from seeing them. He did apologise for not defending me during holiday arguments, but he thinks I'm over reacting. He thinks it's a shame after all these years of friendship, it leaves him with a knot in his stomach, and he admitted that he has tension under the surface but doesn't think he's showing it (he is= a lot), he also said it will take him months to accept it!! He's not attracted to her in a any way, I have no suspicions of anything unfaithful goings on.
I'm just sick of being their verbal punchbag. He cannot see their toxic behaviour, it's like he's conditioned into it, he's also quite spineless whereas I can and do argue back if I feel attacked. They don't treat him like they treat me, that is obvious to me. He wasn't there when she had a lot of undermining critical conversations with me. He asks if it's because I'm pregnant/emotional but I'm really calm!
Yes they upset me, and now I'm upset as we've been arguing about this off and on for weeks, now arguing daily for days in amongst trying to have a normal life for our DD. If anything my pregnancy and that holiday has brought everything into sharp focus for the first time. Maybe the impending new baby is terrifying him, I get comments from him about 'life is over' etc in jest but he can be quite miserable about it. I want to leave and take DD with me to my mums 7 hours drive away, but why should I leave? Plus we both work part time and look after DD if not working. I dread our evenings together now when DD is in bed because we try to act normal but usually have an argument. I have talked this over with friends and my lovely mum, they are very supportive and completely understand how I feel. The problem is DH, or is it me? Should I just suck it up as I have done all these years? I have done this already for his sake, he knows that.
I'm beginning to get documents together and considering my next move. Am I being ridiculous?
Those friends sound bloody horrible. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near them and I'd be very angry my DH somehow felt my feelings were less important than theirs and could not even stand up for me or DD.
I fully understand your anger and frustration. You're right to feel upset and most others would in your situation.
If you cut the couple of as you've decided to, then do you still want to get divorced?
Your DH should as the marriage vows forsake all others.
You and your feelings should be more important than the couple.
I mean no offence , but could he be in some kind of relationship with them both? I can't think of why he'd tolerate this.
I don't think you should suck it up for one more minute where that couple are concerned. You've done so for 2 long and it's only gotten worse.
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