Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I contact dh's ex to set record straight that I wasn't the OW?

(38 Posts)
Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Mon 11-Jul-16 22:40:12

Name changed yadda yadda.

Will try not to drip feed.... Dh was with his ex for 8 years (no kids). I met him via mutual friends about 8 months before they split. Nothing happened between us, not even flirting. We hadn't even spent a single minute alone together, no emotional affair or anything like that. However he said he fell in love with me, but I knew he was in a long term relationship, so I cut contact. I started seeing someone else and months passed with no contact from him. I thought he was infatuated or maybe just had grass is greener syndrome or something.

Couple of months later, I was single again and he found out and got back in touch. He had broken up with his ex by this point. We became friends and then got together quite quickly four months after they split up.

Fast forward six years and we are married with children. His ex has done a lot of spiteful things to both of us, especially during the first three years we were together. Clearing out their joint account, selling his stuff, that sort of thing. She's also best mates with his sister and it's caused endless family drama with dh's sister taking her "side" and inviting her to family occasions instead of us, that sort of thing.

Here's the issue. I always thought she knew we got together when they had already broken up. But I met her for the first time last week (everyone had always went to great lengths to keep us apart, I thought it was because they thought I hated her for the spiteful stuff, not the other way around). And she hates me because she thinks we had been having an affair. All these years. I can't believe no one set her straight, I can only assume I was a subject avoided, like she was when anyone spoke to me.

When we met, I was so nervous, I fumbled over words and I don't think I got my point across. I was so shocked that she was so angry and hated me. Do you think I should just let sleeping dogs lie, or should I contact her again and tell her we didn't cheat. Will it make a difference to her? I've been cheated on before, it affected every relationship since and also, I'm sick of the evil looks and offhand comments I get from her family members. At least now I know why. They think I am/was an ow.

Sorry this is so long. Genuinely just want to know what the best thing to do is.

KittyLaRoux Mon 11-Jul-16 22:43:01

I doubt she would believe you so i dont see the point.

What this women thinks is of no matter to you it has been 6 years.

Nepotism Mon 11-Jul-16 22:47:58

I met my DH 6 months after he split from first wife. 32 years later she still apparently blames me for the breakdown of their marriage even though she's been repeatedly told. Sadly, people believe what they want to believe if it means they can avoid taking any share of the responsibility.

Friendofsadgirl Mon 11-Jul-16 22:49:36

Yes, I'd make sure she knows but do it in writing (email with a read receipt) if you're likely to get tongue tied . Damned if I'd be thought of as the OW when I wasn't. Hasn't your DH put her straight?

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Mon 11-Jul-16 22:56:33

I thought he must have told her we didn't cheat, but when I asked the other day he said he assumed she knew because we lived in different countries when they actually split. hmm They haven't actually spoken this whole time either. Even conversation about their joint assets went through dh's sister.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 11-Jul-16 23:01:05

She won't care. She's pinned the whole break up on you tempting him away from her and splitting her perfect family up, and she's not going to want to let go of that idea to believe that actually the marriage might have had troubles or she might have made mistakes. Add in that she's probably told everyone that he cheated with you, and she's very unlikely to correct them or believe you, even if you provided cast-iron evidence.

Leave it be. It's been a long time, her opinion isn't relevant, people will forget over time.

TheWitTank Mon 11-Jul-16 23:03:25

To be honest I wouldn't bother. She won't believe you I guarantee. You don't owe her anything, there are no children involved -she's just someone your dh dated. Leave it, ignore her and enjoy your life. If she hasn't moved on by now she has issues beyond anything you can help with.

Batboobs Mon 11-Jul-16 23:05:14

I guess the problem here is although on your side there were no feelings, no flirtation etc. you said he fell in love with you/became infatuated,whatever it may be, despite you never spending time alone together.

Could it be that she picked up on this, or felt at the time something was going on, only to have her suspicions confirmed once you actually got together?

For what it's worth I would say there is probably too much water under the bridge to go out of your way to explain yourself to her. Time has moved on and you are now a family, hopefully she has moved on too since then, or is at least ready to.

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Mon 11-Jul-16 23:06:24

She is v much part of dh's family though. She's godmother to his nephews, best friends with dh's sister, a lot of our friends are also friends with her too. I find it bizarre that no one has set her straight but it just must be that it was a subject avoided. People don't even say her name around me. I really never noticed how strange it was until now. Even with her being so involved with people we are involved with, I should say nothing?

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Mon 11-Jul-16 23:08:53

bat Maybe. Makes sense!

Somerville Mon 11-Jul-16 23:10:03

You should say nothing, yes.

Your DH should/could perhaps explain. It was him that made vows to her and broke them, not you.

You should stay out of it or it could all get worse.

TheWitTank Mon 11-Jul-16 23:10:39

Seriously, she won't believe you. 100% sure of it. She has obviously spent years bitching about what happened, she isn't over it six years on. She isn't going to let it go with a smile on her face. Just leave it. If anyone needs to address it (and they really don't) it is your DH. She was/is nothing to you at all, he was the one in a relationship with her and who left. Get him to sort it out!

OrlandaFuriosa Mon 11-Jul-16 23:12:02

Tell his sister, via email. Ask her to let her know. If she says no, or gives no reply, forward emáil on to x, cc sister, then think no more about it.

Somerville Mon 11-Jul-16 23:12:19

Also, people tend to believe the worst of human nature. So it may be that various friends or relatives suspected that you were engaged in at least an emotional affair during the time you lived abroad. Hence them not setting her straight.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 11-Jul-16 23:15:43

I would tell her, she can believe what she wants, but I would certainly make the truth known and I'd spread it amongst friends and family how shocked you are nobody set her straight.

Wouldn't hold out much Joel she'd believe you tho. Especially if she's still bitter after six years and you've had DC with your DH.
She doesn't sound rational, if she's still angry after such a long time.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 11-Jul-16 23:20:46

With the greatest of respect, had they deffo split up?

My exh and I were still, ahem, at it for a while after we split, and he was telling me he was coming back etc. I only found out how long he had been seeing ow afterwards. He told me it had finished etc etc.

If that's not the case, I might say something, but I'm not sure how. :/

Justbeingnosey123 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:22:08

As long as your friends and family know the truth, I think you should leave it people make the own minds up and I doubt you could change hers. You know what happened so does you DP and he should make sure his family does too. If your worried what they think you could ask him to make sure they know the truth but apart from that there's not a lot you can do.

mimishimmi Mon 11-Jul-16 23:39:14

It probably wouldn't make a difference. Also, her husband fell in live with you when he was married (even if that was no doing of yours!) and she'd probably perceive it that way as it's still a betrayal for her. I'd just avoid her if I were you... is she still spiteful now ?

SandyY2K Mon 11-Jul-16 23:42:31

I'd like to set the record straight with her if it was me. I'd not want anyone to think I was the OW.

If you do it now, explaining that having met her you now know what she thought and wanted to clarify things.

What's the worse that can happen? She won't believe you - well that's no different to how it is now, so you've nothing to loose.

This is just my opinion.

Cabrinha Mon 11-Jul-16 23:50:48

Really frustrating for you when you behaved impeccably cutting contact.
But look, I know this isn't your fault - but he said he loved you when he was still with her.
So even though it's not your fault at all, his ex is right that there was some cheating going on, albeit emotional on his side.
You know he provably had mentionitis about you to her before he split with her?
For that alone, she'll never believe that nothing happened - at the every least she'll think you did something (flirtation) to encourage that.
I know you didn't, but she's spent years believing this and it won't have come from nowhere. Even without mentionitis, he'll have behaved differently before the split, and she'll put that down to you. Which it was - just it was his fault not yours.
Leave well alone.

ohdearme1958 Tue 12-Jul-16 00:10:08

I would never allow anyone to think I had been anyone's other woman so n this case I would write a very short note, take a copy of it and send it to her.

After that I'd enter into no discussion with her about it and I'd have made that clear in the letter but I would word it so it's not hostile.

Atenco Tue 12-Jul-16 00:39:40

What do you have to lose? Sounds like you couldn't make the situation any worse, just probably not worth holding out much hope of convincing her. I see here on mumsnet all the time that a lot of women find it impossible to believe that any man would ever leave his wife unless there was another woman involved.

Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers Tue 12-Jul-16 06:58:59

uterus yes they definitely had. She confirmed as much the other night when I met her that the split was a clean break, so to speak. And dh always said as much too.

I guess I just do give a shit what people think of me. Never thought I did before. But I hate to be thought of as the OW. Especially having being cheated on before. I think you're all right though, me telling her I wasn't, won't make any difference. She's not going to go to everyone she slagged me off to and correct anything is she. So it's all water under the bridge.

itstheYbirdstop Tue 12-Jul-16 07:16:18

My DH's ex banged on and on about receiving an 'anonymous letter' telling her that her DH was having an affair. She was convinced I sent it as some ploy to snare her husband! I can tell you all here for what it's worth (nothing, but still) that I didn't send any such thing. I think it made her feel better to convince herself that I did and that I somehow trapped him into leaving. He had already left her when she apparently received this letter though which she seems to conveniently forget. I once text her to set her straight but never received acknowledgment or response. It didn't suit her story.

I would try and explain to her perhaps with your DH's sister there to show them both?

ravenmum Tue 12-Jul-16 10:20:13

If you do choose to tell her, make sure it is definitely true first, and he wasn't being generous about the number of months they had been apart when you got together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now