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I know time is a healer but how do you fill the time?

(7 Posts)
SkyblueAnnie Mon 11-Jul-16 21:02:09

DH left quite unexpectedly a few months ago. The speed and manner he ended the marriage has caused me unbelievable hurt but aside from the emotional stuff he has been very reasonable about arrangements for kids/ money etc.

I got all of my 'ducks in a row' and we have a basic agreement in place but this may take a little time to sort.

I took some time off work to 'be kind to myself' and have lots if real life support. I have tried to keep myself busy on my child free weekends and make plans etc.

As you can tell from my quotation marks I've been lurking for a while and have lapped up all the advice to posters in my situation. I am trying to start/ pick up hobbies and rebuild my life into something better.

At first there was a kind of optimism and excitement about the new possibilities but now I just feel tired and like it's all too much effort.

I basically feel like I'm just waiting.

Waiting to get over him and be ready to be on my own ( or even meet someone else)

Waiting for my financial situation to improve - as repayments are made and money comes through.

Waiting for the kids to be a bit older so I can restart my career or retrain.

I am not short of time to myself or time with the kids and I am doing what I can now to get things on track.

I know it will take time and it will get better but I just struggle to feel motivated on a day to day basis when it all feels so far away.

Any suggestions how I shake myself out of this self obsessed pessimistic funk? Xx

Theoscargoesto Mon 11-Jul-16 22:00:06

Hi. I am 18 months on from my h leaving, also in difficult circumstances. I think you are doing really well to have your ducks in a row and to be thinking about the future. For my part, I got some counselling, which helped me to acknowledge and accept the sadness. One breakthrough was when I realised that standing still was ok. I felt I needed to be always doing things that showed I was doing ok, when in fact a lot of that was displacement activity. I really empathise with the waiting feeling, but I think now It was part of the process of getting back to being me, and thinking about me and what i want and how to achieve that. Maybe frame it as some self examination-thats a kinder way to think.
Things will change, you won't always feel the way you do now. Frankly, getting out of bed wearing matching socks was an achievement for me in the early days-its a massive change, requiring a massive adjustment. Be nice to yourself!

SkyblueAnnie Mon 11-Jul-16 22:15:42

Thank you for taking the time to post and for your kind words.

Counselling was suggested when I was signed off work and I think it's probably a good idea to explore this. I think I was so determined not to go under that I saw this as somehow admitting defeat but I probably need to see it as something that might help the healing process and ultimately make me stronger

I got off to such a flying start and coped so well at the beginning I am finding it hard to come to terms with the frustration of feeling stuck.

I think your comment about standing still being ok for now is really helpful. You are right I just need to get my head around this being progress.

I hope things are getting better for you and you are being kind to yourself too

Kirk123 Tue 12-Jul-16 00:27:22

I am 16 months on from sudden end to my marriage , still shocked and waiting like you , take time to find yourself again , be selfish , breathe, don't go rebound dating to make you heal , I promise it's gets easier and healing begins , take care and relax , one day at a time sweet Jesus ❤️

Destinysdaughter Tue 12-Jul-16 00:36:36

I think you're doing really well!

My question to you is, what would you like to be doing with your time? Are there any things you couldn't do when you were in this relationship? It's an opportunity to think about yourself now and do stuff just for you. Was reading about a woman in a similar situation who created a bucket list and then blogged about it. Think it really helped her.

Destinysdaughter Tue 12-Jul-16 00:40:57

Here's the article about it

SkyblueAnnie Tue 12-Jul-16 08:01:45

The bucket list is a great idea and the article was helpful.

' I compromised so much I gave too much of myself away ' sums up my marriage perfectly.

I have spent some time reflecting on what I want to achieve and made a list of goals but this seems to end up relating to getting money and the house sorted which ends up feeling like an endless to do list of jobs.

I like the idea of a selfish list that is just about me.

In my head I know it is the last thing I need but I have to confess the temptation of rebound dating has been quite strong. I talk a good talk to my friends and they think I'm this really strong woman who will never tolerate any crap from a man again but the reality is I do worry about whether there will ever be somebody else.

I should probably add ' learn to love being single' to my list!

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