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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband and the opposite sex

46 replies

Creamcakes99 · 11/07/2016 20:50

My husband started to loose interest in me when I was pregnant with child 1. We worked together and I could see he had mental connections with 2 women at work. I didn't think twice other than sending one of them a warning email.
After that I looked in his FB history and found he'd be looking up various other girls in his new job. He was also staring out of the window at the girl across the street a fair bit.
All this has totally zapped my self asteem. I used to be confident and happy, I now feel like I need to watch him all of the time.
I don't think he would cheat, he just makes me very insecure and it's causing major arguments.
I'm so fed up of this. We have two young children.
He watches a fair bit of porn too.
Is anyone else feeling like this?
He's a good dad, says he loves me and the kids and would not do a thing to hurt us.
He would of course deny most of the above and say I'm crazy.
He makes me crazy.,

OP posts:

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0dfod · 11/07/2016 20:56

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0dfod · 11/07/2016 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/07/2016 21:07

Why did you send the woman the 'warning' email? Did you also warn him?

Creamcakes99 · 11/07/2016 21:18

Oh yes he got it in the neck more than her. She was supposed to be a friend at wrk.

OP posts:

Creamcakes99 · 11/07/2016 21:21

He says it would be stupid to seperste on the back of this and would be embarrassed.

He had a new member of staff (young female) with a very unusual name. When I opened his iPad he'd been searching porn sites for people of the same name.
Weird.

OP posts:

Piemernator · 11/07/2016 21:24

Who gives a crap if he is embarrassed he should treat you and the relationship with respect.

newworldnow · 11/07/2016 22:50

Not weird. He's obviously looking to cheat. What are you going to do? I wonder also if he had already cheated and that's why he turned into a predator....ogling girls over the road. Check phone bills and bank statements just to be sure.

MollyTwo · 12/07/2016 07:28

This isn't a healthy relationship or a good one at that. It's only a matter of time before he cheats, you must know that? You aren't his keeper needing to watch him all the time, that sounds exhausting. Do you really want to live waiting around for him to actually cheat?

Creamcakes99 · 13/07/2016 21:13

He's addicted to porn and it's having a negative affect on how he views the opp sex.
He has 5 hrs of therepy scheduled and will see the GP.
I'm also taking counselling
He's actually a good guy and we have a very good relationship barring this one problem, which I know could escalate so I'm treading with caution. Breaking up is on the horizon if non of this stuff works.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 13/07/2016 22:18

"sending one of them a warning email."

"He makes me crazy"

Did he make you send the email?
Your relationship sounds terrible and you are probably both to blame.

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 05:20

Very encouraging

OP posts:

BeatricePotter · 14/07/2016 05:29

I doubt this is going to get any better. What are you going to do?

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 05:58

Try therapy
Put him on a programme
I need help to deal with it
He hasn't cheated, he is an addict though.

OP posts:

BeatricePotter · 14/07/2016 06:19

Does he want to change?

Why do you need help to deal with it?

I would be putting the onus on him to make changes. If he is right behind it then there is hope. If he isn't and it's you pushing and pushing then be prepared for a very long struggle and no guarantee of success. Personally (and being a bit long in the tooth) I would be preparing to cut my losses.

EarthboundMisfit · 14/07/2016 06:20

I hate to say this, but I don't think this is likely to change.

Fairylea · 14/07/2016 06:21

I can't believe you sent the woman at work an email! How utterly embarrassing for all of you- even if he had actually cheated there is no way you should have done that!- sorry but for me that signals the complete end of trust and a sign that the relationship is well and truly over. If you don't have trust you have nothing.

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 07:24

Fairlea I am not embarrassed. It worked.
I called them out. I would encourages others to do it. I'd seen her in action with other married men, they deflected her but my husband like the attention.

I actually do trust him. He has distorted view of women right now. He is desperate to stop this.

I need help to deal with this. I cannot relate to it and me getting angry is not going to help.

Jeez this should be called bitchnet

OP posts:

Marilynsbigsister · 14/07/2016 08:09

The thing is* OP, that there really isn't anything you* can do. You can watch him like a hawk, bat away anyone you catch him eyeing up, send emails to females who are predatory to married men. You can do all this stuff and yet he can still cheat. Unless you follow him, literally every moment of every day, it is not something you can prevent - and unfortunately the one who will be regarded badly will be you for behaving like a complete loon.

Men and Women who do not cheat on each other in healthy relationships for one simple reason only. They don't want to. They love and respect their husband/wife and do not wish to cause them unhappiness. It does not require policing to ensure a husband doesn't accidentally slip his penis into another woman's vagina.

If you do not believe he will NOT cheat if left to his own devices, he does not have that level of love and respect for you to maintain a relationship. Nothing you can do will change it.

There is no addiction yet invented that 'makes' someone cheat on their spouse.

Fairylea · 14/07/2016 08:12

My comment wasn't intended to be bitchy. I have been through a divorce where my now ex husband cheated (with a girlfriend before me actually he found her on Facebook!) and it was horrendous. But really the moment he started flirting with her on Facebook it was over, I never contacted her as what would it have achieved?

I am now remarried and I trust my dh. I don't ever think about what he's up to because I have no reason to. Living your life like that is awful.

Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 08:34

I seriously don't think cheating is on the adgenda. He looks, he doesn't make contact.
He loves his family, he doesn't want to mess it up.
He has a physiological issue through watching too much porn. Likes the fantasy and release.
He was also bullied at school and wants to feel accepted.?
He is attracted to me, he thinks about having sex with me and would do it every minute of the day.
This is not your average husband fancies other women scenario. If I thought he was a player I would not have married him.

OP posts:

Summerlovinf · 14/07/2016 08:57

You started by saying he lost interest in you...

If it's just the porn that's an issue, tell him to try either going cold turkey, or cut down gradually to an acceptable (to him) level.

Can't help feeling you're in denial though. It kinda sounds like he IS a player.

TheNotoriousPMT · 14/07/2016 09:08

"He was staring out of the window at the girl across the street a fair bit."

What? At work? How on earth do you know?

Or at home? Does she not have curtains?

I am struggling to visualise this.

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Creamcakes99 · 14/07/2016 09:21

New housing estate, compact.
Hard to explaine and it was over a year ago now.

OP posts:

MadgeMak · 14/07/2016 09:43

If you seriously don't think he would cheat, then why did you send another woman a warning email?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/07/2016 09:50

Of course this drives you crazy. Even if through counselling he fixes what is broken, how will you completely trust him again?

How often does he think about other women and porn? Impossible to say. So I wonder how often do you think about him thinking about OW and porn?
Anywhere near the same number of hours? His habit consumes your head space..

He says it would be stupid to seperste on the back of this and would be embarrassed.

He can say what he likes, doesn't mean you have to agree with him.

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