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Shocking discovery on dating app.

(102 Posts)
SurfBored73 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:19:36

Need some guidance and advice from a female point of view.

I occasionally use a fairly popular dating app which has a bit of a reputation for hook-ups (it's not Tinder). I haven't used it for ages but had a look last night and found in the 'Friends' section that my profile had been linked via Facebook to someone I know so I was able to see their dating profile.

I didn't knowingly make the link but that's not important. What is important is that the other person is my brother-in-law.

I can read his profile and it states he is looking to date, lives alone and is in an open relationship. He's not. He's married to my sister in what appears to be a very happy family with two children. He does, however, work away from home a lot.

I'm somewhat surprised and pretty angry and I've been agonising about what to do about it.

I think the options are:

A) Go directly to my sister and tell her what I found (devastating)
B) Contact him and ask for an explanation
C) Do nothing and forever view him with an evil eye

One of the photos on his profile is with his top off so no doubting the intent. The photos look about three years old but that's not an indication of a timeline.

Oddly though, my profile is also linked to his so if he has used the app recently he MUST know that I know.

What should I do?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Mon 11-Jul-16 19:20:30

Screenshot quickly before he twigs and tell your sister. What other option is there?

TealLove Mon 11-Jul-16 19:21:12

I think because it's family you should say something. If it was s friend id say leave it.

SewSlapdash Mon 11-Jul-16 19:21:27

How close are you and your sister? Is she likely to take you at your word, whether with or without evidence? Or is she likely to fly off the handle and defend him?

HandyWoman Mon 11-Jul-16 19:22:26

Oh how horrific.

If his wife were a friend I would probably stay out of it, but this is your sister!! How awful.

I think I would screenshot and either show your sister or show him and give him a week to 'fess up.

lightcola Mon 11-Jul-16 19:23:32

Is it a recent profile? Or could it be from 3 years ago like the pictures? Either way. BUSTED.

MabelFurball Mon 11-Jul-16 19:24:01

Is there any chance they actually DO have an open relationship?

peppercold Mon 11-Jul-16 19:24:58

Tell your sister. Wouldn't you want to know?

Another vote her for a screen shot and bust him, if its an open marriage then that's their business. If not she mat not salute you for telling her, but eventually she will be grateful you told her. Good luck.

FeckArseIndustries Mon 11-Jul-16 19:31:12

Screenshot and show your sister. Do not contact him about it at all. She deserves the opportunity to make an informed decision about what to do now. It definitely needs to be her decision, not yours, and she should have an STI test as well because she may need treatment for something already and not realise she has it or is at risk of it.

Somerville Mon 11-Jul-16 19:37:19

How could you keep something like that from your sister?

If she ever found out she'd feel doubly betrayed.

I would screenshot and show it to her, framing it in a 'possibly you know about this anyway, or it could pre-date his relationship with you, and sorry if so.'

Itsaplayonwords Mon 11-Jul-16 19:44:50

Ok so you already think that BIL knows that you know because he can see your profile too. If he is found out by some other means in the future and is intentionally being vindictive/defensive he could very well tell your sister that you knew.

Part of me thinks you should confront him and give him x time to come clean to your sister, if not you will. But he's likely to downplay it if given the opportunity. Whereas if you tell your sister and she confronts him she's more likely to get the truth. Whichever way she finds out it will be a shock but if you're the one to tell her at least you can follow up the shock with comfort.

SurfBored73 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:59:27

Yeah, I screen-shotted with shaking hands as soon as I saw it.

Slapdash, the relationship between my sis and I is currently dreadful. Would it look like I was shit-stirring if I'm the one doing the revealing?

Mabel, I can't rule out the open relationship thing despite my doubts in which case I could safely approach him first.

I suspect that if I confront him it gives him the upper hand and he could twist it and try to win her over first and implicate me as the nasty one.

And if i do nothing then yes, as a PP said, I would look like a twat if it comes out in the wash at a later date.

But if I tell her it could destroy her and wouldn't it always be me who was the one to break up their marriage? I guess that would be forgotten given the shit storm that would follow.

SurfBored73 Mon 11-Jul-16 20:09:25

And it definitely doesn't pre-date their relationship.

I feel like I should give him the chance to tell her directly.

I guess it comes down to 'would you want to know?'. I think I would.

Itsaplayonwords Mon 11-Jul-16 20:24:58

Do you have another family member you can talk to about this? Someone who has both yours and your sisters best interest at heart who can help you decide what to do?

homeiswheretheginis Mon 11-Jul-16 20:26:59

I would tell her.

loveyoutothemoon Mon 11-Jul-16 20:28:14

How do you know they're not in an open relationship?

crayfish Mon 11-Jul-16 20:30:15

It's tricky seeing as you aren't close. I'm NC with my brother and obviously wouldn't tell him if I found out a similar thing, but if you are in contact with her I think maybe you should.

How is your relationship with BIL? Would you feel able to speak to him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Jul-16 20:34:53

wouldn't it always be me who was the one to break up their marriage?

No that's on him. If they're in an open relationship then it won't matter. I wouldn't run this by another person. As for your relationship with your sister. Unfortunately if you and she are already on bad terms this will probably sink it.

SurfBored73 Mon 11-Jul-16 20:36:18

Playonwords, I have considered contacting his brother, might be easier coming from his side of the family. But I would want to know the outcome, I wouldn't want him wriggling out of it.

Crayfish, I could approach him without issue. And I am very close with my sis usually, there just happens to be a different storm blowing between us but we'll get over it.

The consensus seems to be tell her. Gulp.

0dfod Mon 11-Jul-16 20:37:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyto2monkeys Mon 11-Jul-16 20:38:17

If you tell her it is not you who will be responsible for breaking up their marriage, it is her cheating, scumbag husband's responsibility solely. Is there a chance your sister already knows that you have seen this profile and is angry you haven't said anything? How long has your relationship been rough? I have a terrible relationship with both my brothers but I would tell them in a heartbeat if I was in your situation. I would call her first and whilst on the phone, forward the image, before your bil has a chance to manipulate your intentions.

FreeFromHarm Mon 11-Jul-16 20:40:40

Tell her immediately, do not approach him at all !!!

AnyFucker Mon 11-Jul-16 20:41:52

I am surprised you need to ask

SurfBored73 Mon 11-Jul-16 20:49:35

So, grow some balls and just get on with it, yeah?

I needed the objectivity of outside opinion, I guess.

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