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Online date - thoughtless comment or red flag?

(28 Posts)
bonjournono Mon 11-Jul-16 17:42:51

I am new to online dating and after 2 years of being single I decided to go meet up with someone I've been speaking to for a week. I liked his personality from texting but on meeting, I'm really unsure about whether I can see myself having a relationship with him.

We met for coffee - he bought me a drink and we chatted for about 90 minutes. He was much taller than I expected (well over 6 feet tall) and I'm only 5'2 so I would prefer someone slightly shorter than him. He didn't seem to have made any effort with his appearance. I'd put on a nice outfit, styled my hair etc and he turned up in jeans, a fleece and his hair was not styled at all. I could spot bits of fluff in it which was off putting!

He seemed OK but there are a few things about him that have flagged up possible issues. He is a few years younger than me in his mid-twenties and I had to go out of my way to meet him at the train station as he wouldn't walk up to the coffee shop on his own (a 10 minute walk up a straight road.) He has a phone with Google maps so could easily have looked it up. I didn't mind but it was a bit odd.

He also seems immature. We were talking about the schools we went to and he said that he was good at school but sometimes did bad things. When I asked what, he said he'd once pulled a chair away from a classmate with a mental disability in front of the whole class so the classmate fell backwards. He said he didn't know why he did it. When I said that it was a mean thing to do and asked if he did it to impress others, he said "well, everyone was talking about it for ages!" as if that was something to be proud of. Then when he saw my face, he backtracked and said "I feel really sorry for him now though." Earlier he'd also been making fun of a man who had been with his company for work experience saying he was a weirdo. From what he said, the man sounded as if he could possibly have had Aspbergers or something.

This is a huge red flag for me as I have a close family member with a mental disability who I support closely. I also work with children with special needs. Anyone I am in a relationship with would need to be very accepting and understanding towards disability and I'm not sure this man is.

He wants to see me again - he texted as soon as he got home to say he wanted to arrange another meeting soon but I'm not sure if I want to give him another chance.

I'm a bit concerned because I can't remember the last time I was attracted to anyone. It's like any desire to have a partner stopped with my last relationship (which ended very suddenly and unexpectedly after he cheated.) I miss having someone to spend time with and feel close to but I have to work hard to stop mentally comparing everyone to my ex.

I liked chatting with this man (apart from that dodgy thing he said) but I don't fancy him at all. Do you think this is worth pursuing or should I move on?

pocketsaviour Mon 11-Jul-16 17:45:44

I liked chatting with this man (apart from that dodgy thing he said) but I don't fancy him at all. Do you think this is worth pursuing or should I move on?

Why would you want to pursue dating a man who you don't find attractive and whose attitude and behaviours are, at best, questionable? confused

HopeClearwater Mon 11-Jul-16 17:48:25

What are you hoping to do, change him?

Throw him back

DamsonGinIsMyThing Mon 11-Jul-16 17:50:08

Move on.
Just text him back saying it was nice to meet him but you don't think you're suited. Then block him.

tootiredforthissh1t Mon 11-Jul-16 17:50:34

He sounds like a massive twat

bonjournono Mon 11-Jul-16 17:51:52

No I'm not hoping to change him. We share similar interests and he seems interested in me and my life, which is more than most men I've met while OLD. Friends have said that attraction can grow with time - several have said that they didn't really fancy their partner until they'd met several times so I didn't want to write him off immediately because of the attraction thing.

I'm new to dating as I tend to meet partners through friends or activities. Hence why I'm asking for advice.

MassiveStrumpet Mon 11-Jul-16 17:52:26

Yeah, why bother? You can be as picky as you like and don't need to justify a reason.

EarthboundMisfit Mon 11-Jul-16 17:52:58

No, I wouldn't. Leave yourself free to meet someone you really like.

pictish Mon 11-Jul-16 17:52:58

Move on. The iffy comments aside, you don't fancy him and he didn't make an effort. You're not obliged to provide anyone with endless chances you know. It's not like he has to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he's an utter dick before you turn him down.
You don't fancy next!

Gruach Mon 11-Jul-16 17:54:18

Do you think this is worth pursuing ..?


Justwondering79 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:58:02

I kinda get where you're coming from here. Sometimes when you've been texting for a while you get a bit emotionally invested and it's hard to give up on them in real life even when they don't quite measure up. I OLD for 4 years and the last guy I met before meeting my now husband was like this. We'd chatted for aaaaages, online, text and phone and I was so excited. Met him and nothing. I was gutted. Carried on seeing him in the hope the spark would ignite but it didn't. I then vowed I wouldn't spend so much time before meeting again. Met my husband the next night after his first message and that was that!

I'd go with your gut. It's rarely wrong. Good luck with it all! It's bloody hard work xx

Summerlovinf Mon 11-Jul-16 17:58:58

Do him and yourself a favour and call it a day

fanniboz Mon 11-Jul-16 17:59:32

I'd call it a day with this one OP. If you don't have a spark with him and just don't want to see him again it's fair enough, just don't smilewine

HandyWoman Mon 11-Jul-16 18:01:18

OLD is a drag but you must plough on, OP. This man is not the one.

UnGoogleable Mon 11-Jul-16 18:03:21

He sounds like a twat, and you don't fancy him.

Forget him, you don't have to go out with him again. Just keep looking for someone nicer and leave this knob to someone else.

228agreenend Mon 11-Jul-16 18:05:38

Sorry, but the general tone of your description of him is quite negative.

-too tall
-too young
-too scruffy
-wouldn't walk to the coffee shop
-don't fancy him

He may be okay as a friend - you liked chatting to him - but I don't think he's boyfriend material.

HappyHeart87 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:06:01

Oh my. Sounds like he's not for you. Can you imagine introducing him to your friends? Your family?

Pearlman Mon 11-Jul-16 18:09:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hownottofuckup Mon 11-Jul-16 18:09:58

No don't bother you don't sound well suited.

TroysMammy Mon 11-Jul-16 18:10:12

Something I heard on the radio yesterday. Text "it was nice (or interesting) to meet a new friend". Absolutely no doubt that you want another date.

Thisisnow16 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:12:00


Optimist1 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:16:01

Appearance, height, age and dodgy comments aside imagine making arrangements to meet someone who lacks the wherewithal to find a location that's neither hidden nor distant! That would have put me off in a big way.

Keep on with your search, OP.

Pigeon314 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:22:44

Even before you got to the weird comment part, there's obviously no chemistry or compatibility there.

Why would you bother pursuing it?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Mon 11-Jul-16 18:38:02

I think you are completely over analysing this, there is clearly very little that you find attractive in this man and you are under zero obligation to pursue any kind of relationship with him. Send him a simple polite 'thanks but no thanks' text and then move on. A good first date should leave you feeling positive and excited and looking forward to your next meeting not with a list of negative character traits.

AristotlesTrousers Mon 11-Jul-16 19:19:01

Get yourself back in that dating pot right away, OP!

A couple more dates, and you'll be a pro at online dating, and you'll wonder why you ever considered a second date with this man, who sounds at best a tad immature.

Don't lose heart. You don't need to settle. smile

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