Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Spouse not paying for daycare

(18 Posts)
Shelby5335 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:41:37

Hi. I was just wondering other people's oppinions on their husbands paying half of childcare. I tried to search the Internet but can't find anyone in the same situation or any info on the situation. So anyway, I make about $14 an hour and my daughters dad (we are together but not married) he makes about $26 an hour. I recently quit my job because we were both working 12 hours days and I was only making minimum wage and it was to much for our daughter. So anyway now I make 14 an hour workin casual in daycare. We make over the threshold to get any kind of subsidy. Her dad says that he won't pay for ANY of of the childcare cost which is about $500 a month. I asked him why and he said he isn't going to pay for me to go to work. But on the other hand he wants me to have a job. Am I being unreasonable asking him to pay for some? He is tight with money anyway when it comes to me but since we are both working I don't see why I'm the only one paying for it. Am I wrong to think he should?

meditrina Mon 11-Jul-16 17:47:56

In a household, shared expenses should be joint. There are myriad ways of how to achieve that, but trust and transparency are the watchwords.

I note that you say you're not married, but also that you are using dollars as the currency. This is a UK site, and an unmarried partner can be in a very vulnerable financial situation. Where are you, and have you researched your legal position?

Cabrinha Mon 11-Jul-16 18:03:48

Time to thrash this one out was during the "shall we try for a baby?" talks!

In my opinion, when a couple have a child, all their income should be pooled, the essentials costs taken out - including childcare - and then the remaining disposable income shared equally. (I say that as the higher earner)

If my partner was earning less than or equal to the childcare I might consider whether we both wanted them to stay at home, but if my lower earning partner wanted to work, I'd say work. I'd think it better anyway long term, for their own career development, not to be out of the labour market too long.

Pearlman Mon 11-Jul-16 18:11:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBattleaxe Mon 11-Jul-16 18:16:44

IMO all money should be joint "family" money. All bills come out, including childcare and then what's left is joint disposable income.

He's effectively saying "I'm keeping my money, but I expect you to pay for our childcare costs"

I would have a massive issue with this.

Arfarfanarf Mon 11-Jul-16 18:20:29

Why does he feel that childcare is your job?
Because that's what it is.
Either you care for the child or you work and you pay for childcare.

Well he's the father. Why is he not responsible for childcare?

Shelby5335 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:47:07

Thank you for your answers! I live in Canada, Alberta. I havnt looked up any legal stuff to it because I feel I shouldnt have to in a relationship. His response is that he pays for everything else. He pays the bills. But he makes quite a bit more than me. He told me that he pays my phone bill though. Which he does so I said I will pay my phone bill if you pay for half of childcare because childcare is a lot more than my phone bill, he said no.. I pay my other bills such as student loan, credit card (which was racked up on groceries), and I pay for diapers and wipes etc. i don't have money at the end of the month to go grocery shopping so sometimes we go a bit without much in the house. But I always make sure my child eats! Just to be clear on that. We live good, we have cars, a nice house and what not but whenever I ask him for money, even $20, it's a big deal. He wanted quads so we got quads and I told him if he gets them then we have to set up a savings account for our daughter for school, and that still hasn't happened yet. I don't pay for any bills other than my own. If I could relive him of some of the bills monthly I would. But after childcare and paying my bills and for our daughters stuff I just don't have the money. Whenever I try to save a couple hundred for our daughter he finds out and he gets mad saying that I'm hoarding money and that it could go to stuff like bills. I love helping and I would love to make enough money to put in as much as he does but I'm not qualified to make that move hourly. I do all the cleaning, housework, though and when it comes to him doing any of it he doesn't. He rarely changes poopy diapers because he says he can't stand it. And when it comes to discolouring our daughter he puts her in her room and leaves me to deal with the rest of it such as talking to her about what she did. I don't think I'm asking for to much when he makes over 120000.00 a year and I make maybe 22000.00 a year

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Jul-16 18:47:40

He is tight with money anyway when it comes to me not sure why he acts that way, did you have debts before you met or have you struggled to only spend within your means? Does mean stand for "careful" or is he usually stingy?

Say you have just one child together, the financial implications of leaving the workforce for five years until DD starts schooling are real. Five years of no work experience, no salary raises or career advancement. It impacts on your future job prospects, not DP's, so having fathered a baby but not showing concern for childcare he is enabled by you to carry on in his job - nice.

Some ideas put forward here:

Shelby5335 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:49:48

I meant to say disciplining our daughter, not discolouring

Arfarfanarf Mon 11-Jul-16 18:50:37

Well. He's father of the year, isnt he?

I really wouldnt recommend having any more children with him. He doesnt think he has any responsibility for the children he creates.

You know, this is the sort of thing that can end up killing your love for him.

It's not marriage and it's not family.

Shelby5335 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:52:29

He had debt before we met, I did not. The more he makes the more he spends on toys and things for him. When realistically we can't afford stuff like that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Jul-16 18:58:42

The more you write the less comfortable your situation looks.

We live good, we have cars, a nice house and what not but whenever I ask him for money, even $20, it's a big deal. He wanted quads so we got quads and I told him if he gets them then we have to set up a savings account for our daughter for school, and that still hasn't happened yet.

The early years are tough financially and it's quite normal that after starting a family, material things come down the list of priorities. I get the impression your DP might treat your infant like some sort of an encumbrance.

Monkey59 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:15:52

That's how I feel to. I know he loves his daughter but it feels like he blames us for him not having as much money as he should. Do people like this change? I might be going off topic from my original subject but he doesn't trust me either. I run a cat rescue and I go out late and trap feral cats to get them spayed neutered and then release them again. I go out late because that is when they come out more. He thinks I'm messing around on him when I do this. So the other night he got mad and he told me he was waking our daughter up to go with me ( I spent 2 hours putting her to bed) and he turned the light on bright and was getting clothes for her. I went to go in there and he shoved me (not very hard) and then he slapped my arm away from the light and walked out. In the past he hasn't been violent, I guess that's why I'm reaching out on this sight now. About a month ago he yelled in my face calling my a fu*c*ing stupid C**t. That was also over him not trusting me. My family tells me to leave but I can't help but feeling like maybe I am doing something wrong in this relationship to make it be this way. If I try to change, would he change!?

Monkey59 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:16:28

Also I just changed my name to Monkey59 because i don't want my real name on here

Arfarfanarf Mon 11-Jul-16 20:10:10

No. You arent doing anything wrong. HE is. He is abusive.
Please listen to your family and get out.
So far he witholds money, refuses to parent his child, swears at you and has shoved you and hit you.
Dont wait for him to punch you in the face in front of your terrified child before you get out.
Your family are supportive. This is great. Let them help you.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Mon 11-Jul-16 20:23:40

I agree, he's no good. HE is the problem, not you. You deserve better than this, you really do and so does your child. Let your family help you until you get on your feet again. That kind of selfishness won't change.

DetestableHerytike Mon 11-Jul-16 20:29:42

He is abusing you, financially, verbally, emotionally (irrational jealousy) and now physically. He is trying to control your actions by disrupting your daughter, who he claims to love but who he won't support with care and attention. (diaper changes)

Get out as soon as you can,

Monkey59 Mon 11-Jul-16 20:51:35

Thank you, It's actually nice to hear it from people outside of the situation. I love my families support but they are beginning to get frustrated with me. I love him but I can't can't stand how he is anymore. It all makes me feel sorry for my daughter. Its terrifying thinking about leaving because other than being at home with my mom he is all I know. He is the only guy I have ever actually dated. And i hate the thought of sharing our daughter but I'm not the type of person that would withhold her from him...he always is an as*hole but then apologizes and sometimes admits he was wrong so that's what pulls me back in again. I hope I soon get the courage to leave and live a happier life with my daughter. Thank you guys for helping me out! And listening to me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now