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To bother with anniversary gift or not?

(13 Posts)
stripeyzebra321 Mon 11-Jul-16 16:47:40

My 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up, and I'm debating what to do.

I have always given a gift to DH. It may be something small like a ticket for a football game or Ive gone as far as getting him a ps4 one year. I always try and get something that he would like depending at the time how much money we / I have.

Over the 10 years I don't recall ever getting a gift or a card off him. I may have possibly got a DVD one year after he received a large gift off me he went to tesco and got the first thing he could think of.

A couple of times he's not remembered at all, other times he has aknowledged the day a few days before but then not even said happy anniversary on the day.

The last three years he has been with working shifts over our anniversary so we have not even been for a meal.

Tbh every year I have been disappointed. He doesn't do cards but even a card or cheap flowers just something would mean the world to me. Every year after being disappointed I vow to myself I won't get anything next year, but I do.

So the time has come again, I don't know what to do for the best. I don't think I will get anything as we have hardly any money in our joint account. But if he does and I get him nothing I will feel bad.

I spoke to my friend who knows me and DHs history and she said get something small but do not give it to him if he doesn't remember. I will see him in the morning of our anniversary, she said say nothing and once he gets to work text and tell him. She remembered how upset I was a few years ago, after he forgot he took me out for a meal and barely spoke to me couldn't wait to get out of there. We went home and watched tv. I had bought a lovely underwear set I thought he would like. He saw me get dressed and said "I don't know why you bothered getting that as sexy underwear does nothing for me"
Since then I have done a token gift but I've not gone all out as that fucking hurt.

What do you think? Get something or not bother?

Gangie Mon 11-Jul-16 16:53:15

Get him a divorce.

Sorry to be blunt or flippant but this speaks volumes.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 11-Jul-16 16:58:10

Firstly, I wouldn't take your friend's advice. Playing games isn't helpful.

Secondly, why are you in this relationship?

stripeyzebra321 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:05:46

I don't want to play games no!

Thing is for Xmas and birthdays he very generous.

Maybe he just doesn't "get" our anniversary. Like he doesn't bother with Valentine's Day. I don't bother with that anymore, gave up many years ago with that one.

Maybe for him he doesn't see it as a big deal.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:08:48

Why don't you just speak to him about it?

adora1 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:24:58

Get him nothing, you should have stopped it years ago, you know he won't get you anything so why bother, it will make you feel crap.

Does he treat you nice daily, weekly, monthly? Does he ever do anything nice for you, a man can make you feel very special without actually having to buy you anything.

What he said re the sexy underwear is awful.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 11-Jul-16 17:29:48

Maybe for him he doesn't see it as a big deal.

Have you told him?

Cabrinha Mon 11-Jul-16 17:30:07

It's a bit foolish to have got to TEN YEARS before dealing with it!
I would say, talk to him... but be prepared to consider that gift giving isn't the only way to show you love someone.
BUT... The comment on the underwear and you both not enjoying a previous meal out... time to think hard about the whole relationship.
But whatever you do, don't give another 10 years of presents secretly getting more annoyed, without addressing it!

MatildaTheCat Mon 11-Jul-16 17:32:18

Hmm, he sounds a joy.

I think in these situations you need to be totally upfront since you know for a fact he won't be arranging a special surprise for you.

'DH, did you remember it's our 10th anniversary next week? I would really like to do something to celebrate, what do you think?' If he looks blank and clearly doesn't want to then bugger him, no gift or card. If he says 'what do you want to do?' Tell him, dinner at X, please and a nice bouquet.

My dh doesn't do surprises or spontaneous flowers but he isn't mean so I tell him what I expect. However,mhe also would never have made that horrible remark about your underwear. I suspect there is more to this?

stripeyzebra321 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:11:39

There is a little more too it as one poster noticed. 

Never considered posting about this but I have lately felt rather undervalued. I've had to have words a few months back as he was becoming quite selfish. He never seemed to do anything for me, never asked what I wanted to watch, do, go ect. 

I never get told that he loves me, never spontaneously kisses / hugs me. Never ever says I look nice so I don't feel special I suppose. 

I think deep down I'm just longing for a effort to be made, but it never happens and I get dissapointed each year.

He has become a little better after our "talk" but he will never be what I want him too. Deep down I know I have two options live without those little things like affection or leave. 

He knows our anniversary is the end of the month we have spoke about it, I may get dinner out of him I would imagine. 

RedMapleLeaf Mon 11-Jul-16 18:14:02

Deep down I know I have two options live without those little things like affection or leave.

There is very rarely only two options.

Joysmum Mon 11-Jul-16 18:54:36

DH and I have never given/received anniversary gifts.

However we always mark the occasion by a day out/weekend away to help us build more memories together. Mind you, that's what we tend to do for Xmas and birthdays too as its what's most important to us more than things.

stripeyzebra321 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:20:37

Thanks joys that's a lovely post. I really do like that idea. That's very nice

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