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Am I being paranoid?

(8 Posts)
absentlyhoop Mon 11-Jul-16 16:46:58

I've NC'd for this one.

I've been with DH for six years.

In the first year he told me a number of lies (texting another woman, financial issues, having had a bit more of a jaded past than he had admitted (nothing too awful)).

None of these was a deal breaker - but the fact he lied (consistently and to my face, even when directly asked) was a really big issue.

Over the course of the following year we talked and worked together to make the relationship work, I didn't just forgive and forget, we really worked on it.

Everything has been plain sailing for five years, no new secrets/lies have emerged - we've got married, I'm pregnant (30 weeks).

Every-so-often the fear that he is lying/hiding things from me resurfaces, we talk it through, he reassures me, he doesn't get angry or try to shut down my fears, he just says he's sorry.

Just recently (and filled with hormones) I've started to worry again...

On our 'find my phone' family set up I can see his mobile device, fine... but I also see another iPhone belonging to him. He says an old iPhone that was 'attached' to his iTunes/ Apple account before we met. I think this is probably true.

I happen to notice he had googled 'compartmentalisation' (I know, I know this is, borderline crazy) but it rang all sorts of warning bells, because if he was cheating in some way - then compartmentalisation is exactly what he would need to do.

For transparency... I am by-nature jealous and anxious - it's something I've dealt with my whole adult life. In the main I get it right. I am also a massive worrier (if someone calls late at night, I presume someone is dead, if I don't hear from a friend or family member, I worry that they're either dead or furious with me). So as much as I'd recommend a friend listened to his/her 'gut' my gut is not always reliable.

The frustrating part is that day-to-day we are happy, we get on, we enjoy each other's company, we laugh and dance and have a good-old time...

So I throw this out to the MN jury - am I being ridic, or what?

Thanks in advance.

FreeFromHarm Mon 11-Jul-16 16:59:39

Sorry you are going through this at such a happy time, to put this in perspective, my xdh hid his past and his was serious sexual assault / cheating/lying etc, he cheated on my both time whilst I was pregnant.
Are there any other signs, is his distant, moody or snappy ?
Is he paying you any attention ?
Is he going out more, showering more and staying out or switching his phone off ?
try not to worry , I know what you are feeling .

absentlyhoop Mon 11-Jul-16 17:13:51

Thanks for your response FreeFrom - it's so much appreciated. And I'm so sorry you went through such a difficult time - I hope from your user name you are now safe and happier.

He has been normal, by which I mean, caring, kind, funny, appreciative and loving.

He has always been these things, even when he was lying back in 2011... which is part of what makes me so worried, that he was able to keep up such a pretence when he must've been aware all the time that he was lying to me.

He is working as normal (maybe leaving slightly earlier in the mornings and coming home slightly earlier in the evenings - which he says is because he likes to walk home with me from the station, and he prefers to work in the morning than staying late). He's having the same number of showers, the same social routine (occasional drinks with friends, lots of shared social engagements).

He is always (and always has been) contactable, phone is always on, I know the code to open it, always responds to messages pretty darn quickly (quicker than I do often).

I know that pregnancy is a hot-spot for cheating/abuse - but I also know that I have the habit of driving myself around the bend with worries.

absentlyhoop Mon 11-Jul-16 17:20:10

...actually thinking about it, he's been slightly...'distracted', not grumpy, just a little mopey from time to time... specifically around the start and end of the weekend/holiday...

FreeFromHarm Mon 11-Jul-16 17:25:12

You are welcome, so he is a good liar , that sounds brash but what I mean by that it, there is no difference between him lying and telling the truth, can you tell the difference ?
eermm this is a difficult one, I was married to a narcissist so the public person was not the person behind closed doors, quite the actor, perhaps keep an eye out, without being paranoid , my xdh was such a good actor, when his fake side came to the front, it was horrific .
has cheated before ?
We are safe , but not over the storm x

absentlyhoop Mon 11-Jul-16 17:32:57

Exactly, he was a really good liar.

I am not confident I can tell when he's lying. BUT... maybe he's not as good as I think - because when he was lying (in 2011), I was suspicious enough to root around until I had enough evidence to force him to admit to his lies.

The difficult thing being that I have never been able to prove that I know everything I should know...I can never be sure I got to the bottom of it, or whether there are other lies he thinks I will never find out, or lies since he thinks he can hide.

I do not believe he is a narcissist, I think that his lying was a misdemeanour, an act of idiocy rather than pathological.

I had a dysfunctional father and my partner prior to my husband had notable narcissistic tendencies - so I think I'd spot that from 100 paces (they are what's made me so hyper-aware, doubtful and paranoid...)

absentlyhoop Mon 11-Jul-16 17:33:42

I am very very glad you are safe - I am sorry that the storm is still present flowers

FreeFromHarm Mon 11-Jul-16 17:44:30

I am going to say, put hormones aside ( wish I did) go with your gut instinct ok , you are aware of the acting side of things, just keep an eye out, and feel free to pm if you have any wobbles.
The storm is at its worst stage .. house/money/ , at least our daughter has stipulated she wants nothing to do with him due to being a witness to the horror thank goodness , thank you for your concern.

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