Horrible holiday (and life really)...help!

[goldsilver]

Have you ever had lots of hopes and expectations for a lovely holiday and then got there and found it to be pretty awful?
I am currently on holiday with my partner. We have been together for three years. The first year was fab! The second and this year...not so. I think I am going through the menopause (rather badly) and I suffer from anxiety and now it seems depression.
I was hoping this holiday would improve things between us and even help me to feel better, but it isn't at all.
I wasn't very well before we came (no idea what it was, maybe a virus, could have been a reaction to HRT) and have still been feeling unwell since we got here.
I booked the holiday cottage. It looked lovely in the pictures...not quite so in reality. It is cramped, tired looking, etc. The garden overgrown.
It has rained almost constantly since we got here on Friday!
My OH told his brother he wanted to treat me because I worked hard to help him with his ex wife taking him to the cleaners ( the end result wasn't as bad as it could have been. I have a degree in law) but I have paid for this lousy holiday.
I don't feel romantic, don't feel like making love, don't feel like doing much at all.
And I don't enjoy our home life (or where we live) either. So I am not looking forward to going home either. I spend every day alone there.
In our first year together, I was happy but now I feel isolated, despairing, depressed and anxious and trapped. It's as if everything has changed.
And this holiday somehow highlights all that.
I have tried really really hard to improve my life but nothing has worked, and doctors also never take me seriously.
Any ideas or should I just jump off the Brecon Beacons now (I'm in Wales!)

[PurpleWithRed]

Are you still happy with him? What's at the root of all this? What would you like to be doing and why aren't you doing that?

[goldsilver]

Hi PurpleWithRed. I think I'm still happy with him...sometimes I'm not sure. His habits and lifestyle drive me a bit crazy but he is kind and intelligent. The spark isn't there like it was before. I think in some ways I would just like to feel special and would like to be walking in the countryside or horse riding or something without any anxiety or health symptoms.

[blinkowl]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I've had two holidays that have signalled the end of a relationship.

An idea?.How about planning to make a new life for yourself when you get home?

[goldsilver]

Hi Blinkowl...perhaps holidays help us to see the truth...I don't know.
I have been trying to get a new life to be honest...kind of run out of ideas! I think I might be trapped in a bit of a negative spiral as I didn't used to feel this bad a few years ago.

[Hobbybaker]

From your OP you sound very despairing and alone. Have you seen a doctor about the depression and are you on medication?

From experience, the meds can take around 6weeks to work and not all meds are suitable for everyone (some can make you feel worse; including suicidal thoughts).

If you are already on meds it may be worth seeing your doctor again, and talking things through with him/her. If you aren't, it would still be worth seeing your GP as they can help.

Once you're feeling better in yourself, you can then reevaluate your relationship and see if it's still working for you. If it isn't, then it's time to leave, but atm it may be that your depression is clouding how you view things.

[goldsilver]

Hi Hobbybaker. Thank you. I do believe depression is causing many problems. I can't/won't take anti-depressants. The main reason is because I have a phobia of vomiting (and general health anxiety) and ADs are well known for causing so many side effects. The other reason is because I don't believe in them, only from the placebo point of view, and that they only work for severe depression. This is my view after considerable academic research, not because I am awkward or anything! But there is plenty of research out there that shows ADs do much more damage than good through altering brain chemistry and that doctors are paid to hand them out by big pharma (who make billions through ADs) but this is another subject. Suffice to say, won't touch them. I appreciate people take meds for other mental health problems but mine all revolve around anxiety and depression.
The doctors I see don't actually help, to be honest. They just see me as anxious and a bit of a hypochondriac and do nothing.

[Shiningexample]

Do you think you would be happier living alone Gold?

[blueskyinmarch]

Your current holiday sounds exactly like my honeymoon was. I had been battling a cold which came to a full blown head the day after the wedding. We had booked a romantic cottage in the Lakes which turned out to be tiny and very cold and damp. It poured with rain the whole time. I spent most of the holiday in bed - with a chest infection - no sex at all - and we came home early. I was really upset about it but things turned round when we got home and we celebrate our 31anniversary this year.

I think relationships have their ups and downs but if you love someone you can work through the low periods. It sounds like you need to work on your own mood and sort out a few things for yourself before deciding that your relationship isn’t working.

[ohtheholidays]

If the Dr/Drs you've been seeing haven't helped OP ask to see someone different,honestly when your really ill and are feeling depressed a good Dr can make all the difference,I have several chronic illnesses now and they've led to me becoming disabled.
A couple of Dr's I've had are amazing compared to the tons of useless one's I had!

With the holiday you know your OH has told his brother that he was treating you to the holiday,yet you've paid for the holiday have you spoken to him about it?If you haven't you really should,I bet for most of us if not all that would sting.

Where abouts are you staying Gold?One of us might no somewhere lovely there you can visit maybe somewhere indoors if it's still raining.

[rumred]

Don't dismiss ads due to academic research. I've never vomited on ads. And they give you a lift which can help see what's really happening. They're an aid not an end.
You sound low and miserable. Sometimes you have to trust others to help- friends, ads, counselling etc.
Or maybe your relationship is causing it? Whatever, finding the cause is key and rejecting all help will keep you stuck. Good luck with it

[junebirthdaygirl]

You're shooting yourself in the foot not taking antidepressants. If l were you ld take a very low dose and see what happens. I know lots of people who have taken them for short periods to get over a bad patch.. We can be aware of the pitfalls an giving them out willy nilly is not good but you sound like they would help. If you had a good friend you told you they were anxious and depressed would you encourage them to take antidepressants rather than be miserable. When you get home would you try some cognitive behavioural therapy as it would help around the anxiety.

[JellyBean31]

Have you had a consultation from a naturopath? If you don't want to take the meds a traditional GP will prescribe them you need to see a practitioner who can advise on alternative treatment. I'm totally with you on not taking ADs but that doesn't mean you do nothing to address your symptoms.

For me personally (although I don't suffer from depression) I can see a marked difference in my overall mood depending on my diet, if I've had a lazy week filled with convenience foods and carb heavy, I feel sluggish and demotivated.

Holidays really do highlight relationship problems if things aren't ok when you're outside the normal day to day life pressures when will they be??

I really do think seeking alternative therapies to address the causes of your symptoms is the way forward for you though OP

[ohtheholidays]

I've just seen your last post because you don't want to take AD have you thought about seeking alternative treatment Gold?

There's so much out there now,talking therapy,cognitive behavioral therapy,mindfullness.Some women swear by Yoga,a change of diet,Homeopathy,Aromatherapy,flower remedies.There's still a lot of options out there for you OP it's not AD or nothing.

When my Mum was going through the Menopause she told me that she'd felt like she was going mad,it really scared her.For her it took about 4 weeks for the HRT to start working but the difference was huge once it did start working,she could feel it and we as her family could see it.
She also started taking Evening primrose oil after a while as well and a year in she started doing Yoga and started swimming again,she swore it all really helped her.

[FuckyNell]

I think you need to sort your hrt out. Anti d aren't routinely prescribed anymore for meno depression. Depression is depression and meno is meno the two are separate. Once you get your hrt sorted you can address your other problems. Good luck

[duvet]

I feel for you and would say the same as ohthehlidays re alternative therapy. Mindfulness really helped me, it was recommended by a friend who had also been suffering anxiety issues and I noticed what a difference it made to him. You can buy the book quite reasonably and download the app for free to your phone without to much cost. I could send you a link if you like. Might be worth asking the GP as I think NHS endorse it. Also try B vitamins.
Oh and I think the weather is supposed to improve soon. :-)

[goldsilver]

shiningexample, I think I am scared of living alone. Blueskyinmarch, that is an amazing story and gives me hope :-) Thank you. ohtheholidays, thank you as well. I have tried talking to my OH, though it was far more like having a go! I feel like your Mum...its horrible. I will go back on the HRT (patches, I took it off as I thought I was reacting to it, but I think now it might have been a virus) as soon as I get home. I have tried so many alternatives and nothing has worked so far but won't give up. Thank you FuckyNell. I tried homeopathy JellyBean but I actually reacted which was strange. Will keep trying. I never give up.

[MadSprocker]

Really don't dismiss ads, for me they literally are a lifesaver.

Perhaps try talking therapy? It can really help with perspective when your brain is feeling all skewed from the anxiety and depression.

[goldsilver]

Duvet, thank you. I do try meditation but can't seem to commit. Must try harder. I should get B vitamins as I have read the same, thank you. I hope the weather gets better before we go home! I've been trying to tell my OH about all your really helpful responses but not getting much reaction. If it was the other way around, I would want to help my partner as much as possible.

[goldsilver]

MadSprocker (I have a mad springer!) I really am scared of ADs because of the side effects. And honestly, this isn't me doing a big headed academic thing, but I have a degree in psychology and know a lot about them from very credible sources, so I avoid them...even though the docs like to throw them at menopausal women as if they are drug pushers! I wish it was as simple for me as taking a tablet though.

[MatildaTheCat]

Don't make any life decisions whilst on a wet week in Wales! Just imagine if the house was great and the sun was shining...you would probably be feeling completely differently.

It's a shame but plan some days out and try to make the best of the week. Plan some strategies for feeling better. I am your age and under many stresses so have to keep working on my mood. Mindfulness, physical exercise and planning nice activities all really help. Eating well, dressing nicely and talking to friends, too. Consider professional counselling if this isn't helping.

As you say you are trapped in a downward spiral but you don't have to stay there. Your od sounds nice but only you know that. But don't make a decision now. Try to make a joke of the shit holiday, we've all had them. Any chance you could leave a couple of days early and check into a nice hotel?

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I would also say don't dismiss ADs. DD did for a long time, but now her dosage is sorted, they're really helping her. They're not a magic bullet; she still has a lot of work to do, but they've helped her loads.

[kate33]

Hi, firstly imho the Breacon Beacons are always pretty depressing. Yes please don't hate me fellow Welsh MNers! My mum took Dong Quai while going through the menopause and I swear by vit b, st John's wort and/or 5HTP for depression (as long as there are no contraindications with other meds) Depression is the absolute pits but thank God most doctors are a lot more educated about it and can offer lots of alternative suggestions to ads and could hopefully signpost you to groups or something that would suit you. Of course it could be that your relation ship has just run it's course. My advice to you would be to walk to the nearest shop and buy a notebook that you can use as both a gratitude journal and a planner for how you want to live now and all things you've always wanted for yourself! X

[ohtheholidays]

Are you there till Friday Gold?If you are it's supposed to be dry where you are on Wednesday and Thursday.

This has lots of tourist attractions listed for where you are
www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=things+to+do+in+the+brecon+beacons

Maybe there's a nice museum or art gallery if you like those.

[goldsilver]

Thank you so much. Just feel so down, and pretty anxious and just not well. And being away as well...:-( And all we are doing is arguing (well, I am kind of yelling, he isn't saying much). Will certainly try these suggestions. Not heard of Dong Quai, thank you. We are here till Friday (I would say unfortunately but must admit, not looking forward to going home anyway, to my normal life...really wish I could change it). But I will try the alternative suggestions, meditation, mindfulness, CBT. Will keep trying. Thank you ohtheholidays :-)

[PsychedelicSheep]

I couldn't agree with you more about ADs OP but CBT is effective for emetephobia and all types of anxiety. You can ask your GP for a referral in to an IAPT service for some free sessions or go private if you can afford to