Parents in dire straits

[LadyofDunedin]

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

[LadyofDunedin]

I have written about this before, to vent my frustration and anxiety about my parents future.

Without drip feeding, they've (my DF) has got themselves into a financial mess. I say DF as he has protected DM from the extent (although I should add I'm annoyed DM has never questioned anything and only now is begging to see)..

Basically, they've lived outwith their means for what appears most of their lives. Beautiful home (perfectly affordable mortgage, but they lent on it until the cows came home), cars, holidays, always ripping out things and replacing. Many years about I did wonder where the money came from; both modest jobs in government. Whilst well paid, modest in means.

I suppose I'm writing mainly in anger, to vent. They would have never stopped lending had the bank not pulled the plug. They now have a huge consolidation loan from the same bank that kept lending them. The bank want the house. DF buries his head in the sand. I begged him 3 years ago to get independent financial advice, but no. The same bank he allowed to strangle him them, will do so now. His pride is in he way.

I feel sad about their future. They should be comfortable, instead, they (I suspect) have to sell the house. More worryingly, it's been on the market for 7 months with no chance of that to change anytime soon.

Even selling the house will not enable them to buy again mortgage free. Although DF thinks selling it a solution, it's back to square one and still lending on a mortgage, albeit less. I wonder what the hell they will end up in.

Tonight I tried to talk to DF, he shuts me down, won't take my thoughts on how they can maybe sell the house quicker.

The situation just seems so desperate. DF's car recently needed£1500 of repair work (he doesn't look after anything, neither of them do), he didn't have the money. He sold it to we buy any car for 1/3 of its value. Moreover, he gave almost all the money to the solicitor who are frankly pathetically hopeless at marketing the house. What's even more annoying is my parents' inability to question the service and just pay it anyway in the vain hope the house will sell.

I wish I didn't feel so permanently anxious about this. I feel like they're barely living, constantly stressed, angry, and yet they've enabled this situation.

There is no will or no financial security for either of them should anything happen. Everything is gone.

I really don't know what more I can do. I'm terrified their home will be repossessed and of the implications of that for them both. That said, I feel my anger at them both rising daily for the gravity of the situation and how desperate they've let it become.

:-(

What can I do?

[CookieDoughKid]

You can't do anything other than look after yourself first. I'll write more later but please. ..try not to get so involved. They can rent and they may have a pension?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

I suspect that if they are competent in the eyes of the law then you can't do anything :( It's hard to watch but they are free to make terrible decisions. How old are they?

[LadyofDunedin]

They're 55.

It's just so frustrating.

Selfishly,I feel at a loss at where it's all gone. I really struggled to buy my first home (keys in 2 weeks!!) and they can't afford to help me in any way. Not that that stopped me, it just made it incredibly hard. They can barely afford to hire a van to help me move. It all feels so desperate. I feel it puts a dampener on my new home when I get comments that I buy things on debit not credit and save up. Ie I'll have no couch probably until Christmas

It makes me sad as I know how much they could have and what equity they would have had.

[LadyofDunedin]

They can rent, sure. However I doubt they'll cope. They always moan about the neighbours when at mine.

I'm ashamed to say I feel embarrassed at they're predicament and how desperate it is. I hate how they lie and cover it up and how I feel ashamed by it.

[LadyofDunedin]

Their

[Atenco]

I can't see that there is anything you can do, OP, your parents are still relatively young so responsable for their own decisions, but why do you feel they should have helped you buy your house? Or help with the removal van?

[FolderReformedScruncher]

At least their crap attitude with money has not rubbed off on you OP.

[DeathStare]

There is nothing you can do about this. They are adults and how they choose to manage their finances is none of your business (unless they want you to lend them money).

Your DF has indicated he wants you to stay out of it, so stay out of it. There's nothing you can do by getting involved except ruin your relationship with them.

[Isetan]

They are facing the financial consequences of their irresponsibility and hopefully the harsh reality could be the making of them. They'll cope because they'll have to.

[barabasiAlbert]

They sound very like the people we bought our house from: an almost identical situation.

Thankfully, although we're in a small city, we are surrounded by tiny towns and villages where these people would probably be able to buy something cheaply and live the rest of their lives in reasonable dignity, if not in the style to which they've become accustomed. Though whether they will ever see that is another matter... is there the potential for a solution like that, for your parents?

[Costacoffeeplease]

You can't do anything, they're adults, they've made their choices - they might have been wrong choices, but they weren't co-erced or misled (I assume or you'd have said)

[VioletBam]

I'm 43 and don't even own anything yet OP..my kids are still small. Your parents are young. They will have to reap what they've sown. It's normal for you to feel sad for them of course...but move on...lend a sympathetic ear if you can but otherwise that's that.

[n0ne]

I'm afraid there's nothing you can, or should, do. My mum was also in a lot of mortgage debt, having to sell her house but putting it off and putting it off. DSis (the eldest) and awful BIL (her DH, manipulative bastard) were always on at her to do this and do that and hurry up. DSis was getting terrible anxiety about it (BIL, I suspect, was more concerned about losing 'his' share of any inheritance ) but I kept telling her to butt out. It was my mum's house, my mum's debt, my mum's money, she's a grown adult. Sure enough, she eventually sold the house for £100k more than it had been worth a year before, and got a little flat and a house in her home country

My point is, not only can you not do anything, out of respect for your parents, you shouldn't. Let them deal with whatever happens. You can't live their life for them. It WILL be fine, whatever happens.

[NeckguardUnbespoke]

The same bank he allowed to strangle him

Blaming a bank for lending to people like your parents is like blaming Waitrose for selling wine to genteel alcoholics. You can construct a case which says that, overall, payday lending to desperate people isn't good social policy even if the participants are ostensibly consenting adults, just as we have laws which prevent, or at least discourage, selling cheap vodka to desperate derelicts at three in the morning. But if people who are simply unwise with money borrow money that ultimately that can't afford, the only real way to stop it would be equivalent to the checkout staff in M&S doing a full medical review before selling you a bottle of prosecco. If you have income sufficient to service, and ultimately assets sufficient to back, your borrowing, why shouldn't your decisions be assumed to be rational?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You seem like you've become the parent now with you looking at them as children. Why do you feel so responsible for them?. That question is something that needs your serious consideration now.

You cannot do anything about your parents parlous financial state and they won't and do not appreciate you trying to "help" them. They do not want your help or support. I mean this most kindly but you are way too emotionally over invested in this, why has that happened as well?

Your parents are really the architects of their own financial demise here; you cannot blame anyone else for that. They went by the information your parents told them. Your parents have made bad choices re money and finances their whole lives and their own families of origin probably acted the same as well when it came to financial matters. You cannot help people who do not want to be helped.

[Sparkletastic]

Do they both still work? If they are in the Local Govt Pension Scheme and have consistently paid into it that will bring a reasonable income when they are retired.

[allnewredfairy]

Their finances and relationship are their problem and if they area asking you to butt out then you should.
To be honest you sound a little churlish complaining on how their financial irresponsibility has impacted on their ability to help you out. Surely you're not expecting them to pay for your removal van while they are in such dire straits?

[StubbleTurnips]

Lady my parents are like this. Pre DD we constantly bailed them out - new car we'd get a second hand one for them, new sofa we bought them one, no money for coal fire we'd pay for it, etc. My dad works in a low pay job killing himself, mum refuses to work

I can't imagine the money sent their way. When I was pregnant we made the decision to stop. They were always ungrateful about whatever we paid for, and we have since put that money away for DD. No ill has come to them for us stopping getting involved.

As another OP mentioned above its like we became the parents. I went to uni (against their wishes) and moved away to an area I could afford the mortgage. They ended up with an IVA and think I'm a snooty bitch as I don't rent / have a FT job. They don't have a house to lose as its council. They are 51 / 57 and have some strange ideas about the world.

Detach is my only advice, I sent myself a little crazy with anxiety worrying about them and trying to fix their problems. It took a long time to devolve my responsibility for them, but I'm glad I did.

[LadyofDunedin]

Thanks for all the comments.

It wasn't regarding a removal form hire, it was £50 for van hire for the day.

I guess I felt a little as they gained a lot from respective parents estate, equity, etc and blew it a all. I saved meticulously to be able to afford my own place. It's tight between legal fees, stamp duty, deposit and general costs.

As I say, I won't have a couch until Christmas!

The £50 for the van would have been a great help to me. I think it's just pitiful how it's turned out.

[Costacoffeeplease]

So you're less concerned about them, and more annoyed that they won't contribute to your new place?

They're responsible for their finances - you for yours

[ClassicCoast]

I thought they would be 80s and vulnerable?!? It's nothing to do with you. They can sort themselves out and you can sort yourself out. It's stupid and frustrating but was all their choice it doesn't have to duck your relationship with them. Feeling a bit oussy the cash has gone is also unreasonable though a bit understandable!

[junebirthdaygirl]

It's strange saying about the van. Even if my parents were millionaires l wouldn't expect them to pay for my removal van. I haven't taken a penny off them since 21. Selling their house and renting a small one and still working means they will probably be fine. I would leave very them to it. And stand on your own two feet. Maybe getting things too easy turned them into irresponsible spenders so you will escape that.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Why would your parents pay for a van for you to move your stuff?
Particularly when they are in bad financial straits themselves.
Do you have siblings?