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Can someone give me the honest truth about what makes a man choose you?

(63 Posts)
theoldfourtwenty Sun 10-Jul-16 22:13:46


Can anyone give me the honest truth about what you think makes a man choose a certain woman? why their husband chose them?

I think I have a bit of a worry that it is all looks / body orientated at the outset and do you think that is true?

I am seeing someone new, and as a size 16 I really like him and feel truly paranoid that my body is not good enough / not what men want - but he seems to not notice. Seems to think am perfect.

Am I being unkind here or are men just not as shallow as I think?

Not sure why I see them as shallow, but definitely grew up in a house where women's looks were the most important thing about her and I am not sure if that is just realistic or really distorted.

I look all the time at men in magazines, and they are all married to model types. You don't seem to see many male movie stars paired up with a slightly chubby housewife who might be kind and very funny.

Can anyone give me the real truth on this...are there genuinely men in the world who would love you for your personality over anything else?

This man I am seeing could have his pick of anyone and I feel a bit confused over why that choice seems to be me.

crayfish Sun 10-Jul-16 22:20:09

I think your problem isn't your weight, it's the fact that you are looking at the relationships of movie stars in magazines as a comparison.

Look at ordinary people on the street - loads of normal men are in relationships with loads of different types of women. A tiny fraction look like movie stars, and besides - movie star relationships tend to have a higher failure rate than most, so it can't all be about looks!

Seriously, most men aren't as fussed about looks and weight as women think they are. But men like women who are confident and secure in themselves - and it sounds like you maybe need to work on that. If he seems like he hasn't noticed your size, it's probably because he is bowled over by your personality, or lovely face or maybe he loves your body as it is. Try and look at what he might be attracted to about you, rather than focussing on what might put him off.

PuellaEstCornelia Sun 10-Jul-16 22:22:53

Are you only interested in your partners looks? If not, then why should your looks be the only thing that interests him?

Thisisnow16 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:23:14

Would be interested to hear the answer too.

Crazyforyouu Sun 10-Jul-16 22:24:05

I think you are wrong and I think it seems on men's age, personality and also on what they want from the woman.
If a guy is searching for casual sex, he will go for the looks. But, many men like chubby women as u say. Not everyone like the skinny ones.
A guy searching for something serious or a future wife, will consider the looks but will also go for her personality, go for someone he trusts and enjoys being with and so on.
Don't think you are not good enough just because you are not a top model. Very few are, actually. They love is just the same way we love them, for what they are and not for how they look.

whimsical1975 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:24:08

I think men go for women who they are initially attracted to by physical appearance, or else they become attracted to them through friendship. We all find different attributes appealing, some men like size 8, other men like size 20, some prefer blonde and others brunette... My husband and I were physically attracted to each other from the get go but that's because we were each other's "type". You may be this guy's dream girl, be confident in who you are... nothing is more attractive than someone who is completely happy within themselves!

Crazyforyouu Sun 10-Jul-16 22:25:40

I think it depends on men's age*

WellErrr Sun 10-Jul-16 22:27:11

Exactly the same things that make you choose a man.

Appearance is important but not everything, and everyone is attracted to different things anyway.

As the song goes -
'Don't read beauty magazines - they will only make you feel ugly.' And it's true.

isthistoonosy Sun 10-Jul-16 22:27:39

Personally I think they look for confidence

sooperdooper Sun 10-Jul-16 22:28:30

I think you're looking at this all wrong, it's not just up to a man to choose a woman, as if they're in charge of the relationship and women are just passively sitting about waiting to be picked!

You need to decide who you want, as much as vice versa - but if a bloke is superficial enough to only go on looks (whether that's tall/short/skinny/curvy/blonde/brunette) he's not someone you'd want to pick anyway

Thisisnow16 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:29:45

Just be yourself and you will attract the right person for you.

hurtyboobs Sun 10-Jul-16 22:30:04

No, it isn't true. I'm fatter than you and have had some great relationships.

People even fatter and uglier than me get laid too!

Stop reading shitty magazines. Insecurity is much more unattractive than being a size 16 I promise!!

hurtyboobs Sun 10-Jul-16 22:31:21

And sexual chemistry MUCH more important. And there's often no rhyme or reason for that

ILoveDolly Sun 10-Jul-16 22:36:02

Once at a family party my Dh was asked how he knew I was the one. He said 'I liked her CD collection. She had almost as many obscure bands asuch I did including one I thought no one else owned"
Not a romantic answer but that's strike one for personality/shared interests

pictish Sun 10-Jul-16 22:38:33

In my honest opinion I think men are more fundamentally looks orientated in their choice of partner than women are. Not that women aren't...but maybe just not quite so basically.

theoldfourtwenty Sun 10-Jul-16 22:44:34

I have had relationships before, regardless of size, but the difference was I think that the guy in question could not have gotten with someone younger / prettier / thinner / more perfect visually and in this case with this particular person - he definitely could have anyone so I was baffled about why he wants me.

He's 45 as someone asked that earlier.

I am not sure if I am shallow or not. I can give you the bull shit answer - which in truth is that no - I am not attracted to good looks, washboard six pack, money or all the regular things that might be obvious. I tend to go for men who are clever, interesting, kind, well adjusted, a bit rugged and funny gets me every time. I tend to fall in love after getting to know someone and all the lovely foibles of their personality.

That said, saying I am not shallow is probably bull shit because I would automatically discount a man for a gazillion reasons. If he used text speak, if he said "lol" or "banter" or wore shiny white trainers or had a hipster beard or was a vegan or was divorced more than one or unemployed or living with Mum and Dad at 40 -so yes there are certain things I am drawn to / not drawn to.

I was just wondering really whether the fact that men go for looks is just genetics, and we are deluding ourselves to think any different. I know that applies to a LOT of men I know and have known. They appear to have a type or a tendency to go for their equal.

I hate the whole sorry business and wish i felt as attractive as a size 10 woman, but I don't. I just wanted to know if that was all in my head / my issue or if it was just the reality of the world.

LocatingLocatingLocating Sun 10-Jul-16 22:44:57

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
My DH thinks I'm gorgeous, whereas I'm actually quite a plain Jane with a slightly saggy body. No accounting for taste.....
He also likes that I'm outgoing and relatively confident.

After much grilling years ago, he once admitted that maybe he wouldn't fancy me quite as much if I put on weight. I subsequently put on 3 stone after having DCs, and he still insisted I was gorgeous.

I think he's quite mad, but it just shows that not everyone sees us as we see ourselves.

theoldfourtwenty Sun 10-Jul-16 22:46:20

By the way he says he thinks my face is lovely (I have heard that before) and that I am very funny (same) kind (same) so the reasons he gives are realistic but I am just a bit...hmm..over why he doesn't seem to care that I am overweight and wanted a bit of a reminder that not all men are like the shallow ones I have known who like skinny girls!

hurtyboobs Sun 10-Jul-16 22:46:25

Yes op, it's all in your head.

You're being a bit ridiculous - you talk of all the good points you want in a man. Why wouldn't a man think similarly? Most men are not shallow unthinking bastards.

UmbongoUnchained Sun 10-Jul-16 22:49:41

All men are different. Some like looks, some like brains, some like humour, some like weakness, some like strength...

It's about finding a man that like YOU. Don't lump them all together in the same category. When you find the right man you'll know.

EasterRobin Sun 10-Jul-16 22:50:16

I think you need to look alright to be considered but once you're past that (not very high) threshold for most men other traits are far more important than actually being classically "beautiful".

My husband and I think in a similar way and that's what brought us and keeps us together. We make the same terrible jokes at the same time and believe similar things about the world.

theoldfourtwenty Sun 10-Jul-16 22:50:50

Thanks all. locating I think that is it, I think he's mad...I don't understand why he thinks I am so beautiful., Find it also a bit sad that I feel like that!!

TheNaze73 Sun 10-Jul-16 23:15:49

Sexual chemistry as hurty says. People genuinely don't generally get together, with the initial urge of owning a Volvo & getting a Labrador together, it's because they're sexually attracted.

hurtyboobs Sun 10-Jul-16 23:19:48

Agreed TheNaze, smile but ugly folk can be sexually attracted to each other is my point.

As Mumsnet says, 'when a man tells you who he is, listen.' And this one sounds like a good one! Happy shagging op grin

piglover Mon 11-Jul-16 01:30:47

You sound lovely. (Tho' I am a woman, so this isn't probably that helpful!)

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