Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have I really pushed him to cheat/flirt/whatever it is he is doing

(20 Posts)
sitha20 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:41:02

I messed up our finances whilst working to get a property. I didn't communicate the fact that my invoices wouldn't be paid on time so the statements will not show the deposit needed.
Generally I'm not good at money management and we had issues around this in 2014/15 and now 2016 I had invoices to confirm money is there but not physically in my account. For me this is an improvement from when I was not saving at all and spending.
The outcome has left me confused:
Now a week ago I woke up to find 2 unopened condoms beside DHs laptop bag mind you we don't use them ourselves. As one who doesn't do confrontations I put them just on top of his bag and left for work. That evening I came to check if they were in his bag as a way to confirm if they were actually his otherwise if they weren't he'd have thrown them out but they were in his bag.
I then did something checked his whatsapp since a week prior to the condom incident whilst he was showing me a house on his phone a message flashed "hi love". I did not flinch as I thought it may be a general greeting. Checking whatsapp has revealed more to me him flirting and I suspect more has happened with the girl he was sharing porn videos with on the phone.
after him realising I messed up the finances he said he is miserable with me. As I'm typing this he isn't back home yet this evening and as he is clearly upset with me about the money I suspect he is with the whatsapp lady. This DH does not drink or go to pubs well that's what I've known the 9 years together but the porn and texts I'm not sure if that's my doing or that's just him.
I am now pondering on this did I push him to cheat because of my poor communication and management of my finances which would have helped us get a beautiful home. OR I've made him that miserable for him to look outside OR just accept that I messed up, he is miserable with me and this whatsapp lady will be around unless I manage finances better OR I don't really know

amypie86 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:46:02

You need to stop thinking you are the problem and realise that he's actually an arsehole. It's not acceptable for him to cheat in any circumstances.

I don't really understand what you have done in regards to the finances, but that's hardly a reason to screw another woman.

amypie86 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:50:09

Also, it sounds like you're making excuses for his behaviour before you've even confronted him about it. You're already blaming yourself, he probably knows he can use that excuse and get away with it. Leave him and find someone who will treat you right.

sitha20 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:54:53

@amypie86 I was meant to have £12000 in my savings by end of June but only had £6000 because I was awaiting an invoice to be paid I'm self employed and I didn't tell him about the situation until last minute when he had put the offer in for the house.
He hasn't taken well to this because as I said before my money management has always been crap in terms of savings and loans but that had changed hence why I even had some money.
Thank you for reminding me I shouldn't blame myself

amypie86 Sun 10-Jul-16 00:07:02

That doesn't sound like crime of the century to me! Honestly you are not the problem here, it's not right if he's cheating on you. He may not like how you handle money but that's not an excuse to be unfaithful.

meworthit Sun 10-Jul-16 00:13:53

You do know He's probably out with this lady now using those condoms?
And this is your fault because you didn't save enough money?????

SandyY2K Sun 10-Jul-16 00:23:01

No. You didn't push him to do anything. He did it because he wanted to. Is this what your marriage will be like going forward?

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 10-Jul-16 00:26:05

Er, were you the only one expected to do the saving? Does he have savings too?

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 10-Jul-16 00:27:19

And to agree with PPs, there is absolutely no good reason to link your behaviour with money with him being a cheating arse.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 10-Jul-16 00:42:00

Is he a grown up with a mind of his own?
Yes?
In which case he has chosen to be flirting/cheating/whatever.
If he was unhappy about your financial management he could have raised this as a red line and chosen to end the relationship. If he was unhappy about anything, he could have ended the relationship.
Or he could be an arse.
You are only responsible for your behaviour.
He is responsible for his.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Sun 10-Jul-16 00:44:36

Nope. His decision, however rightly or wrongly you might have handles other stuff.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 10-Jul-16 10:31:35

Are you saving all the money or is he making an equal contribution.? I think its easy make the mistake you made when you're self employed.
Him however is a different story. He is way out of line and this is totally nothing to do with you. Maybe you have made a lucky escape not to buy a home with this guy. Do not for one minute let him blame you. This didn't start when you made your big mistake. This is ongoing and even him leaving the condoms where you could see them is like him punishing you for your bad behaviour. He is a horrible man. Usually l say work on things but he is too horrible. Leave him. Keep your savings. But get counselling so you can find your voice and not end with a creep again. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.

sitha20 Sun 10-Jul-16 10:52:42

@junebirthdaygirl thank you he was going to also contribute £12000 as the plan was we both have £24k we are in London hence the huge deposit. He has his £12k. Yes the texts from the woman go as far back as May but the finance discussion transpired the last two weeks.
Thank you to all contributors to the threads you are all giving different perspectives that I can consider.

TheStoic Sun 10-Jul-16 10:57:18

If he was the one who stuffed up the finances, would you then go and have sex with someone else?

sitha20 Sun 10-Jul-16 11:20:02

@TheStoic I wouldn't go and sleep with someone I'd just probably see how we can resolve it. It's just a shame that it's gotten to this.

TheStoic Sun 10-Jul-16 11:27:39

I wouldn't go and sleep with someone I'd just probably see how we can resolve it.

Yes, that's what any normal, decent person would do.

HappyJanuary Sun 10-Jul-16 11:44:16

No you didn't do anything to push him into it, although he may try to tell you otherwise when he is forced to justify his behaviour.

He may even be telling himself that it's your fault. I think it's called monstrification or something. Stbxh told me he justified his affair to himself in all sorts of ways that he can now clearly see were delusional.

Don't accept any blame. If he wasn't happy he could've done lots of things about it that didn't include lying and cheating.

LisaMed1 Sun 10-Jul-16 11:49:27

If he knew you were bad with money he may have been setting you up to fail and provide a justification for the cheating.

When did he suggest the saving compared to when he started the texts?

Diamogs Sun 10-Jul-16 11:50:55

If I were you then I would be thankful that your financial situation has prevented you from being tied through house purchase to this arsehole who treats you so badly.

What he did is not ok. Blaming you is not ok.

You deserve better.

magoria Sun 10-Jul-16 17:23:31

Please make sure your money /savings are not in his account.

He is messing around on you. Don't tie yourself down with a house purchase pull out now and lose a little before you are in neck deep and lose a lot more.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now