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Brother moving in with single mother with young baby

(106 Posts)
FrazzledRick Sat 09-Jul-16 20:15:09

I might get flamed for this. I'm trying not to be judgemental but I probably am. I'd just like a general consensus and I'm quite prepared to be told to wind my neck in.

I'm pretty worried my brother is being taken advantage in a major way. I don't think she loves him. I don't really know her to be fair and I could be wrong.

She has a four year old and a 6 month old baby. Different fathers but broke up with the youngest's when she was mid-pregnancy.

She and my brother met after she winked at him on an online dating site when the baby was two months old. It's been quite an intense relationship and he has taken on the role of "father" in many ways already. On the second date he went round to her house and somehow ended up feeding the baby!

She's got herself into a bit of a situation now where she has to move house and he is moving in with them all so they can afford to rent somewhere nice! He is talking in a highly committed way which I find bizarre so soon, about supporting them and them becoming a family.

He is 28 with no kids of his own. I think he must be ridiculously infatuated. I think she just wants to be looked after and can't possibly love him. I find it highly uncomfortable that she was actively looking on dating websites when her baby was two months old, like she was looking for a surrogate father for her kids.

Any opinions?

I don't feel like there's anything I can do of course but I saw him today and sort of feel a bit like I'm watching a train crash and it's sad.

LittleCandle Sat 09-Jul-16 20:17:44

You may be right, but its his life to live. He has to make his own mistakes and all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces and support him if it goes wrong. However, it might not go wrong.

Pearlman Sat 09-Jul-16 20:23:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K Sat 09-Jul-16 20:24:11

You don't say how long they've been together, but I'd feel as you do if it were my brother too.

Like yourself - at the risk of getting flamed wouldn't a single woman without the baggage of kids and 2 dads to deal with be a much easier relationship for him at 28?

How much time does she even have for him with little kids.

Having said all that, it's his life, you can only offer your opinion. If it goes belly up he'll hopefully learn from it and move on.

Any expression of disapproval will only push him further in.

PrincessIrene Sat 09-Jul-16 20:24:49

None of your business - back off.

ArmfulOfRoses Sat 09-Jul-16 20:25:14

Why can't she possibly love him?

Pearlman Sat 09-Jul-16 20:26:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

museumum Sat 09-Jul-16 20:28:24

Maybe she does want looked after. But maybe your brother wants to do that. Does she make him happy? It's all his decision, I'd be a bit hmm at the speed of it all but I wouldn't assume any ulterior motive. Why not give her benefit of the doubt even if they do seem to be rushing things?

AntsMarching Sat 09-Jul-16 20:30:30

I think I might know her. Does her name start with an L?

TheUnsullied Sat 09-Jul-16 20:31:03

Not sure why the single parent thing is hugely relevant here? Moving quickly is moving quickly regardless of parental status. Either way, he's my age so is definitely a grown up. You can tell him your opinion if it comes up, but don't base those opinions on single mum stereotypes. We're not all bad.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 09-Jul-16 20:31:23

Don't be so bloody judgey and snidey

BrandNewAndImproved Sat 09-Jul-16 20:32:12

She probably is looking for someone to look after her and the dc. Dating when your babies only two months old says that really.

However your dB knew what he was getting himself in to from the second date so it's not like shes tricked him. Maybe he wants a ready made family.

FrazzledRick Sat 09-Jul-16 20:32:36

I suppose you're right it is fairly assumptive. She's ok I suppose, there's nothing particularly offensive about her. Alarm bells are ringing for a few reasons; 1. I love my brother dearly and he is lovely but she is quite a lot better looking than him? That makes me sound shit doesn't it. He really is lovely in a geeky way but she is definitely a head turner. He's also quite socially awkward and I know he can't believe his luck. 2. He's very affectionate towards her but I find it uncomfortable that she is unresponsive to that if he puts an arm round her or something. I know some people aren't demonstrative but when you put the two together it makes me feel sad for him.

Also, I am just generally suspicious of someone who could focus on finding a partner when they have a two month old baby. I find it quite strange she was on a dating website inviting a man round to her house and letting him feed her baby - no matter how much they hit it off

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Sat 09-Jul-16 20:32:46

Oh hold on.... It's one of those threads hmm

Goady Goady..... Back off slowly

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 09-Jul-16 20:36:42

Ignore all the right one. I'd be concerned in this situation. It's the whole pic, not just that she's a single mother. I bet all you criticising the op would think differently if it was your son or even brother. One of my sons is with someone with a child from a previous relationship. That's fine, was never an issue, - actually it's a bonus. We're very lucky to have an extra child to love. But two kids in 4 years to different men then moving on to the next so quickly really doesn't suggest the most mature or stable lifestyle.

SandyY2K Sat 09-Jul-16 20:37:12

Pearlman

Of course the heart wants what it does , but that's not always what's best. I hear that statement made so often by OW actually, trying to justify, but this is a different situation I understand.

With all the single women who have no kids out there, why tangle yourself up with a woman who will likely have 2 baby daddies in her life (your life) when you could do without the stress of it all.

I guess I much prefer an easy life for myself. I would have not dated a man with kids unless I was much older. That's just my view and others will have their of course.

My point is that relationships are challenging enough as it is. I'd have to wonder how she found the time to be winking on a dating site, with a 2 month old baby and another child. I was forever busy when my kids were that age. But each to their own.

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 09-Jul-16 20:37:52

Right one = right ons.

Pearlman Sat 09-Jul-16 20:39:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

headinhands Sat 09-Jul-16 20:40:39

I assume your db doesn't have an learning difficulties. He's an adult and is making his way in the adult world. Support them and be happy for them and if it goes tits up, as can happen with two single professionals, then be there for him. Op I was a single mum when DH met me. Our relationship developed quickly and we've been together yonks with our own older kids now. His family welcomed me and my kids warmly. On paper I wasn't a catch but we've made eachother very happy smile

TheUnsullied Sat 09-Jul-16 20:42:02

hmm the single mum bashing here is going to get insufferable, isn't it?

SandyY2K Sat 09-Jul-16 20:43:27

OP

With your second post, I understand even more why you feel as you do.

Cosmo111 Sat 09-Jul-16 20:43:28

Your family of course your going to have concerns but hes 28. I'm the same age and would hate to think of someone criticising my relationship choices.

That been said I do get your concern I have a DB much older who is vulnerable to a degree that he can't bare being on his own so goes online and starts a relationship with that person they move in and get engaged within months, this is happened with two so far since his long term break up and now hes onto his third. He moves a 100 miles an hour in a relationship. I've learned to back off because he so deeply wants it to work and its no my place to tell him it wont.

All you need to do is be polite but be supportive of your DB if its not meant to be it will fizzle out.

TeaAddict235 Sat 09-Jul-16 20:44:23

I think that it's only fair that you have your concerns. It's your brother and when all is said and done, we want the best for our family, and that includes an equal and progressive relationship. In this circumstance however you feel (if I understand correctly) that she is looking for someone to provide and potentially thought this out during the pregnancy, and he happens to fit the bill: reliable, financially stable (?), responsible, non threatening....etc, all the things that we all look for in a partner.

I would gently speak to my brother and just tell him to keep his wits about him. Tell him to put them both onto the housing contract with the landlord and to share out the utility bills. All the things that you'd probably tell a son or daughter, but ultimately you have to let him make his choice and then be there like a lion for her cubs if it does not work out.

LilacSpunkMonkey Sat 09-Jul-16 20:45:00

'Ignore all the right ons' = ignore the decent people.

'Right on' as an insult is about as insulting as 'leftie'.

PortiaCastis Sat 09-Jul-16 20:47:14

Yes Unsullied I've been a single Mum for years and the eye rolling never stops

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