Verbal abuse

[nevis42]

I have been married 16 years. OH has now retired. Whenever we're in company he always finds something to ridicule me with making me feel an idiot. In recent months he has now begun to do this in private too. As a rule I don't say anything but if I do and family's there, he says oh lighten up its only a joke. Last week I told him I'm sick of his remarks. I don't do it to him but he says its only fun.....for him obviously! It's got to the point where everything he does is irritating me. All he seems to do once he's up, is sit in the chair on laptop playing games, then he'll visit his mum (I stopped due to remarks whilst there) come home, make dinner (he does all the cooking...his choice) then drink wine every night. What a life! Yes, I know its my fault I'm such a wimp not speaking up sooner. Is anyone else in a similar situation? I don't even have any friends because he doesn't like to socialise and whenever he does, the remarks start. Hence I stay home too...and I hate it

[AuntyElle]

Can you start an activity on your own once a week, and take it from there? Build up your confidence and your life away from him?

[nevis42]

Honestly, I don't even know where to start. My week consists of house, him and taking my elderly mum shopping. Have a 25yr old daughter from 1st marriage now living back home. She treats it like a hotel, has Aspergers and her moods can be awful. Spends a lot of time at boyfriends but can't even talk things over with her. At a complete loss.....57 and going no where.

[Greenandmighty]

Hi nevis42, I do sympathise with your situation. It's horrible being targeted like that. Do you feel you could sit down with dh and have a serious talk with him and explain how you're not willing to put up with him attacking you verbally? Or you could try the tactic of asking if he's OK because he seems to be putting you down. Do you think he might be feeling a bit lost too if all he does us play games on laptop and visit his mum? Maybe he needs encouragement to plan a structure to his days and yet involved with more meaningful activities. Is there something you could plan together, a day trip, weekends away or a house project? I understand how you feel put down and taken for granted though. My dh makes sneering remarks to me as if they're a "joke" whereas it's really a subtle form of bullying. I've lately started to recognise it for what it is....but tackling it is not easy.

[Darnmysocks]

I would play him at his own game but I am petty like that Is there something he's sensitive about, a chink in his armour so to speak? If so I would mercilessly take the piss out of him about it in front of his family and then make a point of saying it was only a joke using the exact same words he uses when it's the other way round so he can't fail to catch on to what you're doing. At least that's what I would do if you believe he doesn't realise it's hurtful, if you don't believe that then he's simply a bully and I would give him a final warning, stop it or I'll leave you and I would mean it. As for the rest I agree with Aunty, start pursuing your own interests and building your own life.

[nevis42]

Thank you for that advice and I shall certainly try it. Fact I shall visit his family later today and once he starts will retaliate with a remark back. We were on a day out in London with his neice lately. Soon as we went for coffee I had the map out as none of us knew where we were. Remarks were such 'here she goes, can't even tell left from right' ...'no point looking at that you'll still get us lost' etc. My neice could see it was embarrassing me so told him nicely that I was lovely. He laughs while saying these things n everyone else laughs too. But that day I said 'I'm amazed your still with me if I'm that useless. Why don't you find someone else'. He told me to lighten up. But today if he starts I WILL bring up something he doesn't like. If he doesn't like it I'll tell him its only banter. Your right, I shall start biting back! If it still continues then, somehow I will need to find courage to say either shut up or ship out. Hell knows where I'd go but as I said, really had enough of his 'banter'!!!!

[junebirthdaygirl]

I wouldn't do what you're planning as it's not your style to be nasty and you are only letting yourself down. Instead when ye are on your own after an incident rip into him. If you have never taken him on he will get a shock. Use your loudest voice. Stand up tall and shout. Say don't you ever put me down like that again EVER. If he whinges oh it was a joke tell him to have the joke on himself not you. Say you heard me now never do that again. If you humiliate him in public people will have sympathy for him and you will have let yourself down.
Also begin to take steps to have your own life. Join a reading group, a walking group whatever. Get support here for joining if you are inclined to put it off. The best days of your life can be ahead as you begin to have some fun and you can come home for dinner!

[nevis42]

Thank you again. Yet more good advice! He does know I hate it as I've told him before. However I've maybe not made the point clear enough? Right too in that I'm not nasty enough and on reflection it is his family and I don't want to look like that in their eyes. I shall look for something to do on my own too.....a yoga group perhaps? I'm sure I would feel stronger if I had friends. I'm not a bad person. Just because he wants to be old and boring doesn't mean I have to be. Ha....all very well writing this.....its having the confidence to do it!!!

[Darnmysocks]

If he knows you hate it I agree you shouldn't go the retaliation route as I said, if you've already told him it's hurtful that makes him a bully rather than just oblivious to how it makes you feel. Building your confidence should absolutely be your focus, you don't deserve to be treated like this and do need to get yourself to the point where you can tell him he either stops or risks losing you. Stuff like this chips away at your self esteem so it's no wonder you feel you lack confidence if it's been going on a long time. A yoga class sounds good but have a look at assertiveness courses too, anything really that would build your confidence so you feel stronger.

[LesisMiserable]

The best way to deal with this is laugh really loudly really long , really sarcastically and really exaggeratedly every time he does it. Like he'a absolutely hysterical. He knows he's not of course but the best way to unarm this kind of behaviour and put him in his place is to massively draw attention to it in the most condescending way possible using no words at all. Repeat til he gets it.