Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sexless relationship

(7 Posts)
deansmaman Sat 09-Jul-16 17:24:20

I am new to this site and I am in desperate need of some advice.
I am from the UK. I moved to France 7 1/2 years ago after meeting a 'wonderful' man. We fell in love very quickly and within three months of meeting I had quit my job, family and friends in the UK and moved to France to be with him.
The first couple of months were great until I had been in France for two weeks! He had previously explained how bad his break up was with his ex was and that he hated her and had zero contact (She lied about having cancer, then got married behind his back! Shocking I know). Whist he was at work his MSN was open on his computer and I seen a contact of his with the name of his ex! Without even thinking I clicked onto their message history. There were pages of messages between them both, even up to the week or so before I moved to France! They even spoke about his 'new girlfriend' which was me. There were many times he had sent her an invitation to use webcam. He said he wanted to see her baby bump. Who does that? She got married behind his back then was pregnant with her new husbands baby! I would imagine that would be the last thing he wanted to see! At the end of their messages they would end it with 'Love you darling'! The room started spinning and I couldn't believe what I was reading! All that went through my mind was how hurt I was and how stupid I would look going back home to the UK now after gushing about this 'perfect man'! When confronted, he said it was nothing and he was just keeping the peace with her and the 'love you's' were just being friendly! I knew this wasn't the case but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because maybe he regretted it now I had arrived in France and maybe it was me he loved after all.
He whisked me off the Paris on a 5 star break and proposed. I fell pregnant that weekend. Everything was good, he was affectionate and loving and we were happy, until I seen his ex's name on the search engine of our computer. I was 9 months pregnant and I freaked out. I went into labour with our son that evening. The birth was traumatic. I had no family or friends to support me and I was still fully aware of how stupid I had been to stay with my fiancé after this second blow. At a time I should have felt completely supported I felt so vunerable! He said he searched for her out of curiosity, and nothing more. I ended up getting very ill with postnatal depression. After our son was born that was the last time I remember my fiancé asking me when we could have sex again (It takes time to heal after having a baby and all that). That was 6.5 years ago.
Since then things have gone from bad to worse! He stopped being affectionate to me, didn't want to have sex with me, he was sometimes violent in arguments, he completely stonewalled me! I tried to leave many times but I was scared of starting afresh on my own with a baby to care for and I hoped that things would improve.
I got better from the PND. Started my own business which ended up being the making of me but things remained the same between me and my partner. He ended up buying a house which he demolished and is currently rebuilding a 'better' one in it's place We are living in a static caravan in his back garden. He refused to put my name on the mortgage because he said I had threatened to leave so many times and he didn't want to risk having to pay me money from the sale of the house if I left.
I have tried EVERYTHING to make things better, being patient, changing myself, therapy (which he refuses) but to no avail. He said he doesn't like my charachter and that's why he doesn't want to be intimate with me and that he feels blocked towards me. He only see's the bad in me. He says I'm a really good woman and he loves me but he hates traits of my personality! He never tells me he loves me, I have to ask him if he does. My friends in th UK have asked if he is cheating but I really don't know. I have never found any evidence to suggest this. I asked some questions about his past, which I later discovered that he had lied to me about some of the things he had done before he met me. Because of this, I started to not trust him.
I recently had a burn out because I have been working so hard to provide for my family. I have nothing to show for it. He has his house, a brand new car, his family and friends and a good job. He never supports me. When I cry, he just sits there. He doesn't make eye contact when I speak to him, keeps his head turned away from me. I have decided to leave him! My self esteem is on the floor, I feel unattractive and worthless. I have to move back to the UK with nothing. He will tell me this weekend weather he will try for full custody of our 6 year old son.
I feel so lost and broken. I have started to suffer with anxiety. I have spent the last 6 1/2 years in a bubble of confusion and rejection. I'm 31 years old but I feel 80! If he loves me then why is he like this with me? He says he feels trapped. I have asked weather he stays with me for the sake of our son and he denies this. He also denies ever cheating on me. I feel paranoid now. He doesn't open up to me but he said recently that he feels trapped. It was his idea to move over an hour away from his home town where his friends live. He acts jealous when other men look at me, but if he's that bothered then why is he the way that he is?
I'm sorry for the long post but I really need some fresh perspectives on this stagnant situation. What do you think when you read this? Am I crazy for staying this long? I feel so hopeless and a shell of the person that I used to be. Is there life after separation? Am I making the right decision to leave him? Thank you in advance.

amypie86 Sat 09-Jul-16 18:01:13

You are 100% right to leave him and that is what you need to do. As for life after separation....what kind of life are you having at the moment? It sounds truly miserable. You would be so much better on your own than with this guy, I'd rather be back in the UK with absolutely nothing than in France with that guy. You can start from scratch and get your life back, you're only 31.

You're right that you should have left in the beginning but there's no point worrying about that now. Just make sure you do the right thing this time and get yourself out of that relationship.

SandyY2K Sat 09-Jul-16 18:07:23

This relationship is doing you no good.

Putting aside the lack of sex:

He's violent in arguments
You seem to be carrying the financial burden
He's not affectionate

He's still very emotionally connected to his Ex IMO Or at least he was.

If I were you, I would not be in the marriage. There's no love from him and you could be with a man who would treat you nice and cherish you.

I certainly wouldn't want my friend or daughter in such a relationship.

LesisMiserable Mon 11-Jul-16 10:32:11

In short : crazy is the wrong word of course but yes staying this long, feeling rejected for 6.5 years and staying is madness. He doesn't want this relationship and has demonstrated this and told you so in every way possible. Please leave asap and pick your self esteem up of the floor.I suspect once he feels less trapped (your/his words) he will treat you better (as he did his ex, apparently) and the pressure will ease somewhat.

senna14 Mon 11-Jul-16 11:30:40

Yes you're right. I think I have been trying to find answers when deep down, I know that I already have them. Thank you x

senna14 Mon 11-Jul-16 11:33:18

I feel stupid for staying for so long. I'm terrified of having to start from scratch in the UK. I will have to go on benefits at first. I have always been so independant and I am gutted that I have to close down my business here. I know that when I return to the UK I won't be entitled to any benefits because I have been gone for so long. Does anyone have any idea what help I could get weather it be immediately or after the three months of me returning? Thank you.

LesisMiserable Mon 11-Jul-16 11:45:52

Don't feel stupid. This is life. It's a learning curve. We never arrive at all the answers. Love or the thought of it makes everyone do nutty things. Its universal. So. Get on to cab website and check your rights etc. And make a plan. No drama now just action. Painful yes. But less so than carrying on in this mire.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now