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Does the domestic violence helpline always tell you you've been abused and not the abuser?

(39 Posts)
user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 16:21:10

So my boyfriend broke up with and I was abusive towards him. I posted about it on forums but some people actually said he abused me which I wasn't expecting. One woman told me contact Women's Aid. The woman on the phone listened well. She said she thought my behaviour (although not ideal) wasn't really abuse and said that my boyfriend sounds like the the one who was more abusive. I have also called a helpline for abusers who said I was more the abuser but could only spend 20 mins.

I also posted on the Women's Aid forum and most people said he was probably manipulating me into thinking it was me when it was him instigating and I was just reacting. I was confused and doubting if the helpline was bias after all this mixed opinions and just wanted to discuss further/get second opinion. I then called women's aid again and was told that I couldn't have another phone call as I told them I'd called previously. When I'd said why I was calling I.e. to ask what is abuse in mine and ex boyfriends case. she said they can't tell me if I was abusive. I asked why I could be told that my partner was abusive (when I called up before) but not me and why other helpline said I was abusive. She straight up ignored me. So I just said 'so is there no way I can ask that to anyone then?' She ignored me and told me to ask my therapist. I then just said politely that it was a question about the helpline though and she said to bring it up if I go to a group session at my local WA.

It seems strange that she volunteered that statement but was unable or unwilling to answer my question. It leads me to believe that they really are very bias and it is very confusing. it seems there is no helpline to turn to where they can tell you if you're an abuser and tell you if your partner was abuser as they say you can call to discuss 'what is abuse?' but seem bias?

Please help. I don't understand. Anyone have any experience with this? Or insight?

DeathByMascara Sat 09-Jul-16 16:24:59

Can you post some details on here & the lovely experienced ladies will be able to help you out? It's possible that yo acted in an abusive manner but were driven to it by systematic abuse by your partner - it's difficult to tell. Having read responses on this board before, if you are generally abusive, you'll be told straight up.

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 16:25:11

Are you already seeing a therapist

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 16:43:25

Thank you for your responses.

I posted about it here yesterday (I actually posted first in relationships section yesterday but didn't get many responses and someone said post in mental health. Now I can't find the post in relationships) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/2681241-I-ruined-my-relationship-Need-perspective-abuse-OCD

I've posted on other forums but couldn't remember if I'd posted on here yet and got mixed responses I guess. Think I posted on netmums before but can't find the post now.

I saw a therapist for three sessions after the breakup but I can't afford to see her anymore (wasn't sure if I should find a new one anyway) so I'm waiting for free therapy on nhs.

mylovegoesdown Sat 09-Jul-16 16:55:10

I think this has become the latest focus for your obsessions and it's really not going to be helpful for you to be phoning lots of organisations or posting lots of threads here.

I'd try to step back and find something to distract you.

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 17:00:10

I think mylove is right, you seem quite intense. Have you been for a GP referral? What did your GP say?

RealityCheque Sat 09-Jul-16 18:10:22

Why are people obsessed with labels? You know you behaved badly and probably so did he.

You were abusive? He was abusive? It doesn't sound like you bought the best out in each other regardless of how you are both labelled.

It's over now. Move on.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 18:14:08

Yes I'm waiting for CBT therapy for OCD at my GP surgery but don't know when it will be yet.

I felt like hearing people's perspectives online was helping but after what she said when I called up the women's aid/domestic violence helpline for the second time, now I'm just so confused and don't believe anything the previous woman had at all when before I was sort of considering it. I'm just so confused now about everything. I feel even more guilty for infiltrating the women's aid forum and probably manipulating them into thinking I was abused or they just think that because they want to be nice and supportive and are seeing themselves too much in when it's not true and I'm the abusive one. I don't have any friends I can talk to either.

TheStoic Sat 09-Jul-16 18:14:56

The relationship is over, is that correct?

You both behaved badly. I recall your other threads. It doesn't matter what you call yourself.

Please get some professional help for yourself. Nobody here is going to label you.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 19:16:16

For example the woman on the helpline (when I called the first time) was minimising when I threw the champagne bottle. She asked why I did so I told her the silly trivial things which somehow lead to me going crazy. I was sat at home on my phone or whatever and he comes home from work and runs up to me jumps on the sofa so he's on all fours over me and puts his face right in mine real close and sort of stares eyes wide and tilts his head from side to side. I asked him to stop but he didn't straight away because I guess it didn't register then I asked again and he stopped. He was just being playful but it scared me (I guess it reminded me of in the past when he'd say and do things which upset me/traumatised me more and wouldn't stop when asked. So I said I didn't like it. And he didn't really say sorry properly but was more saying I was being too sensitive etc. That upset me I guess. Then went to the kitchen (in the same room) and starts making a sandwich. I criticise him for not washing his hands and he is sucking his fingers clean as well as he makes the sand which and doesn't stop when I ask him to. That was literally all that made me go crazy and throw a champagne bottle! Yet the woman was saying that he was being abusive in that situation etc. It just doesn't make sense. And now what the othet womsn said on the phone line the second time just proves it and the fact she wouldn't answer my question.

More was said which I don't believe but that's just an example of how biased I think they probably are. I'm not criticising the woman who listened to my story she was really nice and listened well. But I still think it doesn't make sense and they're biased maybe without realising it?

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 22:14:22

But if he wants to make a sandwich without washing his hands he can do. It's his sandwich. He then starts liking his fingers and you through a bottle.

It's excessive behaviour of both and that's probally why you got mixed response. Both women can see it from both view points.

You cannot blame him for you throwing the bottle. You did that.

If a woman come on here after her Dh had hit her - even if she said nasty stuff, posters would say he was in charge of his own actions.

It's sounds as if you were both abusive to each other in part.

You sound very intense, do you have anxiety?

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:21:53

Oh I was writing that post thinking that everyone knew I have contamination OCD. I now realise it is only in the other post I linked along with other details of the relationship.

Obviously it's wrong to tell someone to wash their hands etc. that's what I'm saying.

I was saying wha the woman on the help line said and I don't understand how she could think.

But I'm sure no one including her thinks I'm not in charge of my own actions. But she was saying that my OCD played a big part and she actually said he was abusive to me from a lot of the things I told her including that example.

Why is it excessive or abusive behaviour of him? Thanks.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 22:30:24

oh also just to be clear the second woman from domestic violence/womens aid help line didn't say anything about my situation as she didn't know anything. She just said that I couldn't speak about it again but also said that comment about how they can't tell me I was a abusive but then didn't answer my question which lead me to believe they are bias on that help line? A man from the Respect help line which is for abusers not survivors of abuse said I was abusive but it was a shorter phone call. And I got a mixed response from I posted about this on another forum.

and p.s. yeah OCD is a type of anxiety disorder.

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 22:43:12

The licking his fingers was to wind you up and coming very close to you in your personal space. If he hadn't of got in your face I'd be inclined just to think he was 'just licking his fingers'

BUT what you did was violent. What if the bottle has smashed in his face and blinded him, or knocked a tooth out?

Maybe the 1st women you spoke to was being very sympathetic. And listening to you. She could see in what you were telling her that he was winding you up to cause a reaction.

The second woman could see both sides as you called an abuser line and thought as you did the act of violence you we're the abuser.

If you rang 50 lines you could get 50 different answers.

Also you are consistently pressing for answers. You were told you had your first initial call but you still persisted in demanding answers for you new question when calling them back.

Tbh I can see why if people are getting exasperated with you on the phone as your obsessively searching and demanding answers that no one has any concret answers of evidence of.

Stop searching and go back to the GP and talk about how you are feeling. You were both abusive to each other - you violently on this occation.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:00:15

Thank you for your response.

I don't think he was winding me up though. I don't get it. He was just being playful and then made a sandwich. Also I meant to throw the bottle on the floor but it landed very near him and could have injured. I explain how I feel about it in the post I linked above - basically sick and terrible. But he thinks I actually to throw it at him as in to hit him but missed but won't believe me. obviously it's very wrong anyway and i have never forgave myself since it happened. It makes me sick to think of and I'm beating myself up about it everyday. To be clear I am not questioning it was wrong at all.

The man on the help line for abusers didn't know the full story but I'm he would have maintained his opinion anyway.

I called the domestic violence help line again because I didn't know you couldn't call twice. The previous woman had given me a reference number for incase I called again so yeah. When the second woman said I couldn't have another phone call so I didn't ask her anything or say anything but 'oh ok'. I just responded to the statement she voluntarily made in response to what I said as to why I was calling (I said this before I knew I wasn't allowed a second call). I can see she was annoyed with me but she was the one saying all this explanation when I wasn't protesting and I just responded to what she said which was about the help line not me.

That's the thing I wouldn't get 50 different answers I've now realised. Because I do think the help line is likely biased but I don't know.

I don't think you can really use a GP as a therapist or someone to talk to? I already have told them the basics in order to be referred for treatment.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:02:12

I think about what if it had killed him all the time. or hurt him. I've turned into everything I hate basically. And I can't believe the woman would basically minimise it or make excuses for me. Doesn't make sense.

thestamp Sat 09-Jul-16 23:08:14

You have OCD. Your OCD is currently fixated on whether you're an abuser. Thing is lovely, as you know, even though you feel that if someone could just tell you then the obsession would go away - it wouldn't. That's how OCD works, it only uses reassurance to make the obsession worse and worse.

Step away from the forums and hot lines. Concentrate on getting the right medication from your GP and on focusing on your CBT when you're able to start.

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 23:10:02

op with the greatest respect your posts don't make sense.

That's the thing I wouldn't get 50 different answers I've now realised. Because I do think the help line is likely biased but I don't know

^ that is confused and not making sense.

I think if you went to the GP He might be able to prescribe you something that might relax you a bit

Dutchcourage Sat 09-Jul-16 23:11:31

thestamp it's worded it so much better than I did! But yes I agree .

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:14:51

Can you explain why it doesn't it make sense please? and what else doesn't make sense in my posts?

I know I'm probably annoying asking questions but I honestly don't know why.

I'm taking beta-blockers now for anxiety.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:16:57

Yes I am obsessing. I think you're partly right of course but also talking about these things helps as I honestly don't know. It has helped me get over obsessive thoughts in the past and to understand my actual perspective on it.

user1466013611 Sat 09-Jul-16 23:17:10

and thank you for replying.

fusionconfusion Sat 09-Jul-16 23:21:14

One of the terrible things about OCD is that people will engage with it and try to deconstruct and respond to it as though it were a) factual or b) your personality.

You don't sound intense to me because what I'm reading isn't you - it's a pattern of obsessive thinking that you are sharing here compulsively because you are reassurance seeking... it is OCD, not you.

Seeking reassurance keeps your mind in threat and drive modes, when what you need is peace and respite from this obsession.

Posting obsessions online is one of the loneliest and most objectifying things a person with OCD can do, so if you can in ANY WAY pull yourself away from this long enough to sit on your hands and stop engaging with these discussions with strangers, it might open up a space for you to feel less miserable.

I feel for you. This will pass. That's all I can offer, I'm afraid.

And this is NOT YOU. THIS IS OCD. I see you. I hear you. I am sorry you are afraid and I hope you find ease xx

thestamp Sat 09-Jul-16 23:22:41

OK, keep asking if you must, but you are hurting yourself in the long run.

You need professional help. You are not going to get the assurance you need from unqualified strangers on the Internet. Your OCD already knows that which is why it is compelling you to constantly ask the same questions... the disorder is being fed by you being unable to get a single answer from every individual you approach...

fusionconfusion Sat 09-Jul-16 23:27:20

I think it's the OCD hurting more, really.

It's a really strong pull. When it's quite severe it really can be very difficult to interrupt and disabling. We forget to apply the same rules to OCD that we would to depression - you can't really ask people to snap out of it. People with depression aren't hurting themselves by being depressed and people with OCD aren't hurting themselves by being obsessed.

The best that can happen between now and when CBT begins and then starts to work is to get through it as best you can and try to have some compassion for yourself. This isn't your fault.. and you've been to the GP and you are seeking CBT which means you are taking responsibility. It just isn't going to go away tonight, I'm sorry. I wish I had a magic wand to make it better for you xx

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