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Narcissist grandmother(4 Posts)
I need advise. I have a fractured relationship with my mother, she's a classic narcissist. since I have had children she's gone off the radar, think full on meltdowns, awful things said, taking to bed for days, running off at one stage to an aunts house. She was sick in hospital for awhile, not too seriously but I was made to feel like I wasn't doing enough for her. Having just had my first baby I wasn't able to provide my undivided attention. It bugged her and she let me know. Now I've had my second baby and she's no longer working. I'm getting immense pressure from her to let her 'help'. Any previous 'help' hasn't ended well.
An example is she offered to wash the babies clothes but as I didn't call up to her house as I promised one day the clothes were essentially held ransom for a week. The week was no contact but I heard back from my sisters that it was due to me not being appreciative enough for her help. I had to go out and buy new baby clothes that week, you know newborns go through vests very fast! I was super hormonal at the time and the feeling she took my new babies clothes for her own reasons still bug me.
Another example is to I've asked her come help me for an hour a week at a play center to hold my DD so I can play with my DS. each week there are reasons she can't help that hour and always at the last minute too. I called her on it this week and I was made feel it was my fault for not understanding all she has to deal with. Previous babysitting requests had not happened due to numerous reasons - always about her and what she's going through.
I have many more examples and can't put them al in to words. A look, a sentence. Anyone with a narcissist mother can relate.
Now the offers are to mind my DS. I have a problem with this as on any given day I don't know what her mood will be, will she let me down at the last minute. Will she be in mood to just take to the bed and not get up because her life is so bad? In other words not reliable at all.
I'm so torn about the pressure to help. I want my children to know her but I can't put my past hurts behind me and I'm not 100% she'll not start to do the same things to them.
I think if you want to continue seeing her you need to keep things completely in your control, so that when she lets you down it doesn't matter a jot.
- don't ask her to commit to coming to the play centre - just say you'll be going on [Tuesday] and she's welcome to come along. Call her five minutes before you leave to see if she's still coming.
- fix a day and time for calling her/visiting her. Make sure you have a get out - you are calling in on your way to x or y and need to leave her house at x time. Don't waver.
So basically, she has caused you stress and upset at the exact time you celebrated a major milestone in your life and would have been asking her for support? ie having a second baby and you needing support with your eldest child? Yes, that is a classic Narcissist tactic.
I came home with my third child over August bank holiday, it was a grey overcast day all at but for some reason she had got the paddling pool out.
So, I had a brand new baby, 24 hours post c-section and instead of the nice homecoming I had envisaged, I came home to a three year old and an 18 month old filthy in a muddy paddling pool who then needed a thorough showering. Did she stay and help clean them off, no of course not, she pissed off as soon as they were in the pool as it was all about sabotaging the babies homecoming.
She even had the audacity to do the Narc silent point scoring motion at me as she went through the gate!
As another thread states, you can't communicate with Batshit....
Well it just got better... She has booked flights to the same place we are going on holidays to join us for a week and told my 4 month old that she need not worry she'll be see her everyday from here on. I don't know what to do I can take a week but everyday will not be happening. How do you tell her I don't want or need her everyday?
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