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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm just so sick of it all

34 replies

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 11:44

I've posted before about dh and his business. It's completely failed and we are up to put eyeballs in debt. He's finally admitted it doesn't work and has said he will close it down after a job in August. My mat leaxve ends in Sept but paying for 2 lots of childcare will cost me money (I earn min wage). So I won't be going back to work. I've gone through our budget and cut all the non essentials apart from my gym membership as its my only me time. My car is running on fumes as I have £2 left until I get paid in 2 weeks. We are absolutly broke and I hate dh for it. To top it all off he does agency work to cover short falls but he's off sick so we are even worse off. He went to drs yesterday (In my car even though he has a full tank of petrol) in the way home he stopped at the shop and bought a ton of junk food and a magazine for ds1. All out bills are late but he can afford to buy crap. I'm in tears every day about money and I'm just so angry. I seriously want to walk away but I don't want to rip my two young children away from their dad. I'm in bits right now. I'm sick from stress. I honestly don't know what to do.

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TokenGinger · 09/07/2016 11:51

It's not really fair to hate DH for the financial state you are both in. You work a job with minimum wage; you could find a better job.

He has a failed business which is sad but picks up more hours through an agency. He's trying.

He's off sick. Just like you're on mat leave.

Buying junk, of course, is not sensible. But you both need to pull together to action this. Don't place blame on one person.

Thattimeofyearagain · 09/07/2016 12:24

Nice Ginger- just get a better job, how helpful .
Op, for you.

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 12:35

It's not that easy to just get another higher paying job. I have to find something which works around playgroup etc. My work kept offering to put me through a training course and then saying they couldn't afford it.
If it was easy to walk into a better paying job don't you think is do it.

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LilacInn · 09/07/2016 12:41

Did he cling to the "business" long after it was clearly a failure, because he didn't want to get a real job? Seen men do that before. If so i would hate him too.

Spendthrifts are seldom cured.

I don't think you should quit work if he is that unreliable. What benefits could you get if you split?

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 13:30

He's always been a bit rubbish with money. We've just got his credit rating sorted and now it's crap again from missed bills and it's taken mine with it!!

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FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 13:36

Oops posted to early. I think it was pride which made him cling to the business although he had the nerve to say I forced him to set up the business. I said i would support him if that's what he wanted that's all.

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Zarah123 · 09/07/2016 13:43

He sounds irresponsible, OP.

Could he be a SAHP whilst you go back to work, even temporarily? Would he take it seriously and take care of kids, do housework etc?

This would give you time to think about your options and whether you want to stay with him anymore.

tropicalstorm · 09/07/2016 13:44

try entitledto.co.uk and at least see how you would be doing on your own?

how are the money issues/arguing affecting the children at the moment?

Msqueen33 · 09/07/2016 13:45

If you found a different job could he work around childcare? Money is such a huge issue and can cause a big divide. Maybe a chat about spending and trying to get him to see a bit of sense. Can I ask what he's off sick for?

LilacInn · 09/07/2016 13:50

Good point, can he (or you) get a night job to ease the childcare costs?

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 13:52

Job wise it's quite difficult because he's a chef so any job he takes will be long hours so I can't even work evenings to avoid paying childcare. and if he stays doing agency work his hours arent set.

He suffers migraines and he's been out on New medication which has made it worse. He's been vomiting all morning.

It's starting to affect ds1. He saw me crying this morning gave me a big hug and said it's ok mummy which of course made me cry more. I feel so guilty.

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LilacInn · 09/07/2016 14:57

Well, the detrimental effect on the kids would have me out of there. Some people will say, oh, they are young, they don't notice yet - but don't kid yourself. Situations like this set them up for lifelong deep-rooted anxiety and relationship problems.

Unless your partner is willing to buck up and get a job - any job, even if it's not his dream job - that will work opposite to your hours so he can cover child care, I would be out of there in a heartbeat. It's only for five years or so - if he can't make that sacrifice for the family then why stay?

If you can go to family even for a short while, it would be preferable to making yourself even more dependent on this person.

happypoobum · 09/07/2016 15:05

He sounds like a liability rather than a supportive partner. I would be so fucked off at the wasted money on non essentials. I don't think he will ever change, so you have to decide whether you want to continue to live like this or not?

OliviaBenson · 09/07/2016 15:29

You'd be foolish to give up your job. If he is a chef and does evening hours, would that not work with your job?

Do not become financially dependant on him.

CharlotteCollins · 09/07/2016 15:35

If you're considering leaving, don't let effects on the DCs stop you. They will be happier if their mother is less stressed. Enable them to continue a relationship with him and they will be fine.

Does he realise the spending yesterday was stupid?

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 15:36

He works days and evenings. He's very rarely home which is another sore point. He works long hours for very little money it never seems worth it but it's all hes done since he left school.

I don't want to give up my job but I can't figure out how to make it work as most of my money will gonin childcare and the extra income will stop out child tax credits.

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FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 19:53

I just broke down and told dh I can't keep on like this and he's just ignoring it completely.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/07/2016 19:57

I bet you would have more money if you lived separately. Look that website someone mentioned above.

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 20:30

The whole thought of what I'd have to go through and what I'd have to put my kids through is giving me a headache

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RedMapleLeaf · 09/07/2016 20:49

Reading what you've already put up with is making my heart ache.

FindingEmo · 09/07/2016 21:32

Dh hasn't even mentioned the fact I said i wanted to leave which really hurts. I feel one he thinks I won't have the guys robfo through wit it (which I don't know if I do). I might go and talk to my boss and see if I can organise my shifts around playgroup hours. If I worked 16 hours id get child tax credits and working tax credit of I was on my own. I should also get childcare paid for so I'd actually be better off by myself. I just hate the fact is be taken my boys dad away, at this point that's all that's stopping me.

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IonaNE · 09/07/2016 22:16

OP, if possible, I would keep your job even if financially it is no better than you not working. Your children will not be this young for long, and then you can progress, and you will have had a job. It is easier to find a better job or a promotion if you have worked. Your DH needs to up his agency hours (and I'm not sure why he gets little, I have a friend who is a chef and as you say it is long hours, but it's good money) initially, and then get a proper, non-agency job.

Also: why is he using your car when his has a tank full of petrol?

And finally, I think the issue of you leaving him has to be independent from the current financial difficulty you are in.

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bewarethewalkers · 09/07/2016 22:29

You should both be sharing the car with the full tank of fuel. He should be sharing the burden of the debt and working with you to find a way forward. You are not his mother. You are meant to be a partnership. Think seriously about your future. It is better to be alone and be in control of your life, with happy kids then with a feckless partner who doesn't want to make you happy.

user1468132986 · 10/07/2016 07:53

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar position I'm on mat leave but my dh still works but doesn't offer support at all he made me give him a pound back for a magazine i bought while I did the food shop. Like other people have said do not become financially dependent on him . I wasn't going to go back to work but fuck this for a game of soldiers. Tax credits should help with childcare just keep yourself financially independent .

FindingEmo · 10/07/2016 09:47

He's not controling with money hes just crap with it. He pays £62 for his phone and when I asked why he just shrugged. He goes to his hobby once a week (which isn't cheap) and I go to the gym. He got jealous that I got to go to the gym and he didn't so he signed up he's been once since so that's £25 a month he's wasting. It's just so depressing. His parents are crap with money i think that's where he gets it from.

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