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too scared to report dv attack ( unpleasant details of injuries)

265 replies

metoo72 · 09/07/2016 07:44

Hi

Five weeks ago I was viciously assaulted twice in one night by my partner. I don't know what the protocol is for posting details about assaults - I do know that since I was hurt, every time domestic violence is mentioned, on the tv, in papers etc. I find it very stressful, so I don't want to upset or offend anyone who might be in a similar or worse situation. I do know the injuries I suffered are much less serious than those inflicted on some women but I desperately need advice.

After saying goodbye to friends after spending a nice night out, my partner who was very drunk, pushed me over onto my back in a car park, there had been no argument preceding this, but there had been some stress in the relationship for the month or so before after I discovered that he had lied both to me (about the person he was) and about me in order to shift blame to me for something he had done. By my own admission, although we hadn't argued about this I had gone on like a broken record, asking why he had lied to me and about me - mainly because I didn't understand how a partner could do that. I'd also told him a few home truths about his behaviour - he told me this put him under great stress. We have been together for three years and in that time there has been no serious violence although there was an occasion where he kicked me multiple times bruising my leg and another time when he shoved me. On this occasion I ended up with black bruised elbows, cuts to my hands from the gravel and feeling very battered and bruised. I was obviously upset and shouted at him to go away and leave me alone - he took a taxi back home. After wandering around in shock for a while I stupidly did the same.

I had been through the door only a few minutes and was still wearing my coat when my partner launched himself at me and knocked me to the floor in the hall by the front door. He was on top of me, grabbed my head (by my hair I think) and slammed it into the skirting board. We have very large oak skirting boards. I remember feeling dizzy and sick and knowing that something wasn't quite right with the side of my head. I tried to lift my head to tell him this, I remember it being very hard to do because in retrospect I know I was concussed..I managed to lift my head a few inches at which point he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head down two or three times into the floor. I know I blacked out for a short time. When I came to and struggled to get up I noticed a large dark patch on the carpet and remember at first being very confused about what it was until realising it was blood. I managed to crawl away to the end of the hallway by the bathroom and just lay curled up on the floor - I know I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I don't know how long I was there, maybe 15 minutes. When i managed to lift my head I saw that my partner was by the front door trying to clean up the blood from the floor and the wall where there were bloody hand prints (i'd touched my head before using the wall to haul myself up). I know it sounds pathetic, but I haven't had a head injury before and I didn't know how much the scalp can bleed and I thought I was on my way out...I remember asking to go to hospital and also asking my partner to tell my Mum I loved her. I think I blacked out again and recall my partner calmly removing my boots, putting them in their usual place and the returning to cleaning. I have no idea why he would remove my boots and he since says that although he remembers cleaning up the blood he cannot remember removing my boots. He has also since said that he was cleaning up the blood due to being in a state of shock and when we saw a counsellor together a few weeks after the attack, she said this can happen.

I finally managed stress that i wanted to go to hospital enough that he could help me and he called an uber taxi on my phone. We went together to the hospital but once there I said I wanted to go in myself. I stupidly lied and said that I had fallen over while drunk and the wound in the side of my head was glued / stitched.

The next day I was very fragile and had bruising and pain all over my body from being pushed or held down, my throat was very sore from being grabbed and remained so for a week or two although there was no bruising to the throat. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover physically and in this time I visited my GP to check the huge lump on the back of my head (because of the amount of blood on the side of my head i hadn't even realised the back of my head was injured when I went to A and E and they didn't check that area) and told her the truth.

I know this sounds pathetic. I know this post and me being here and eating dinner and watching tv with my partner after the attack and not reporting it sounds like a joke and I have no excuse or sensible reason for not leaving...I can't explain it myself.

I have called the domestic violence helpline and spoken to my GP and as I have gradually started to come out of shock and realise that he has committed a serious crime I am feeling such an anger. Some of this anger has come out verbally...eg 'how could you leave me lying there' 'why did you do it' etc etc. again I have gone on like a broken record because I am struggling to understand but because this stresses him, now I feel like I am emotionally abusing him!.

Two weeks ago I was struggling to try and accept what had happened and I said that I wished I could report the assault. My partner immediately called his older sister. I have posted to mumsnet before and ironically it was about this older sister bullying me. I don't know whether I sound unhinged to be suddenly having problems with two people in the space of a year but in all honesty I am well over thirty, have lived with more than one partner since leaving home and I have never before had any conflict either with them, their families or friends..I've never fallen out with anyone at work or been over sensitive.

The older sister immediately called my partners parents and gave them the impression that the violence went both ways. I know this because my partners mum immediately called him and she has quite a loud voice so i could hear what she was saying...i also spoke to her myself and she said the sister said we had been 'fighting' not only did the sister give her parents this impression but she invented an imaginary story about why we were arguing (there had been no argument).

At the moment I seem to be swinging between anger (and wanting to report what happened) and fear. Although i am not physically afraid of my partners sister I am frightened of her emotionally - for most of last week I developed a paranoia that I myself would end up in prison if she invented stories about me being the aggressor. I know this sounds insane, however I can only imagine its part of me being a stupid pathetic deluded victim and in shock - I have also become isolated from friends and family and have no one close by at all. Another strange thing was that despite my injuries (I now have a ringing in my ear that wont go away and constant nausea and nightmares) I seem to have become more fixated on trying to understand why my partner did this and what issues he might have, than my own safety. I also became very concerned about the fact this parents and been lied to by the sister and asked him to call them and explain that there was no provocation - I dont know why I give a Sh@? about what they think - i don't...but it was more the being lied about. Even I know that my concern should be my safety and not what the family of my attacker think and I can't explain it.

My partner did call his parents to set them straight - he didnt admit to the full assault but said he had pushed me in an argument and I'd fallen... after this his mum asked me to come to lunch and his dad told my partner 'these things happen'. Neither apologized for what had happened to me. My partner said that this is because they didn't know how to deal with the situation. They seem very much more concerned with him.

I'm worried that if I report the assault my partners family will try and cover for him...he is practically middle aged, but they treat him like a hapless child who has a lot of stress...he was married some years ago and had an affair and even then they treated him like the poor victim. My partner is very quiet and shy and apparently gentle in public....and I am scared that no one will believe me if I report the attack - or that the sister who seems to hate me for no apparent reason will lie. Im scared she might say I threatened him or attacked him..this makes me feel so victimised and I'm struggling to accept the unfairness because during the attack i didn't even have a chance to defend myself and certainly didn't hurt him.

I just wondered if anyone else had felt fear about report an attack due to the threat of not being believed. I suffered from slight depression last year after being ill with a thyroid illness and did ask the GP for anti depressants - I'm worried this will be dragged up and they will make me look like some kind of nutter.

Due to the attack I asked my partner to go to counselling...he has been alone and we've been together. I think the counsellor is blaming the attack on my partners anxiety. In the joint session my partner was honest with the therapist and told her the full details of the attack.

I know all this sounds stupid...I know people will say to walk away or man up and I agree...I never thought I'd be so pathetic. But the intimidation feel from this family is bigger than my confidence and the possibility that as a victim i myself might be accused of something I haven't done or being accused of emotional abuse myself (i had moaned on and on about my partner lying to me and this is what led him to be so stressed) frightens me so much I can hardly sleep. I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

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StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2016 07:48

But if you leave him then what he or his family think say or do is of no concern to you.
I realise I am lucky to have never dealt with this and so am not really in a position to advise but I can reassure you that no one will think you're pathetic.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was a violent attack. Please please try to distance yourself from this man and his family, they're no good for you either.