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Abusive H. Advice needed(7 Posts)
I am so muddled and tired I can barely get down everything I need to say. I am 35wks pregnant and have a 2yo DD and my heart is just pounding in my head from no sleep.
Been married to H for 5 years. He's always had an explosive temper, but I was used to that growing up (verbally/emotionally/occasionally physically abusive mother) so have probably been more tolerant of his explosions than anyone without an upbringing like mine would have been. And I have been passive and allowed things to pass and boundaries to be busted which I shouldn't have
Three weeks ago he smacked me round the face and grabbed our two year old and ran off with her when I tried to leave in the middle of the night. I was forced to follow him sheepishly and push on the door as he tried to lock me out of our house. I followed him because it was pointless leaving without DD. I was locked out for a couple of hours in the early hours of the morning until I travelled 10 miles out of my way to get a spare key as he had taken mine in the bag I had hanging off dd's pushchair.
His behaviour at the time was so explosive and frightening I made a note to wait and make a plan, so backed down and stayed quiet, excusing my behaviour as a hormonal "folly" but in the last few weeks the pregnancy has taken over and I have some physical problems which have made it hard to get out much or take much action.
Things escalated again last night, no physical violence but just accusations, shouting and threats. I believe that H has a alcohol addiction. He of course does not believe this at all. He is out 4-5 times a week from 7-2am. He feels that if I complain about my physical symptoms in this pregnancy over text to him, or ask him to take DD so I can have a break, that I am causing him stress. I am a convenient scapegoat for everything.
Last night he called me many names and told me that my selfish behaviour would be the death of him and that he would make sure our DC would always blame and hate me for it. He said I was going to give him a nervous breakdown or a heart attack with my complaints and selfish behaviour. I worry frequently that he is going to kill himself and leave a note blaming me. This, to me, hurts more than being physically hurt.
I still occasionally work but this will all come to a stop when I give birth in a month. I had to meet a client this morning and DH was supposed to take DD but he has said he will not, if I don't support him why should he support me? I called a friend and asked her to take dd while I went to the meeting. She said yes, but that made him even angrier and he accused me of trying to take dd away from him. So he is now taking her and it was just a threat and attempt at sabotage.
He then told me that my work was a stupid job that didn't help us financially at all and that I shouldn't even be doing it.
You don't need to tell me, I am an educated woman - I see that he is a vile, insecure bully, but I just don't know why I am so stuck.
Well I do know. I am pregnant and the bits of work and means to support myself are gradually slipping away. He and I own a house in our joint name but we have a big mortgage against it which he pays. If I were to leave him and try to claim this, the size of the mortgage seems too overwhelming right now while I see my work winding down to have this baby.
Also I am afraid of him. Afraid of what he'll do and afraid of being unprotected. MIL has seen him at his (almost) worst and she believes he does nothing wrong. I have been protecting my parents from his behaviour for years, half because I don't want to admit that what looks on the outside like a good marriage is actually deeply rotten, and half because they would be no help or consolation at all because of their evident attitudes from my own abusive childhood. I thought I had escaped that abuse by getting married. Little did I know I had just repeated the cycle, in my desperation.
I want to log all these events with someone official but I don't know how to do it without authorities being alerted and taking action right away. I am not prepared yet by any means, to have him know that I plan to leave because he has all the power.
When we had dd the HV was quite wary of him and asked me several times if I was ok. I said yes because I always fear that saying no will set off a series of events that will lead me into a worse position. We all know that these authorities are overstretched and underpaid.
Please could you give me some advice about what I can do at this point?
The first thing I did in your position (after ages wondering if I was going mad and thinking it was all me) was to get lots of information.
I went to the library to search www.entitledto.co.uk on the web to see what money I would have if (when) I left.
I collected my/DCs documents (that he would not notice)and stashed them with a friend along with a change of clothes and a little bit of money that I had hoarded (not much).
I opened my own bank account which required no credit check etc.www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/basic-bank-accounts make it an online account or have paperwork sent to a local branch.
I talked to Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247 Freephone 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline
and they were able to direct me to ways of leaving safely and possibilities for accommodation.
THEN I LEFT
Do it as soon as possible.
It will not be easier once the baby has come.
He will not improve (except possibly temporarily to reel you back in) and statistically once you have "seen him" the violence is likely to escalate.
Good luck and be brave Life is better on the other side
After this I phoned the police and logged all the violence.
They were amazing and although there was no prosecution they certainly took me seriously and warned him off. When he came looking for me they had a "red flag" on my details and responded so very quickly.
this is of course the short version...your story and abuser is different from mine...but I was not so very different from you. Don't think I am special because I left...I am/was just the same as you. Weak, scared and worn down. If I can leave so can you.
Thank you for your replies. I will certainly take the advice here.
Just a question about police. I want to log it without him being alerted immediately to the fact that I have logged it. But there is obviously a process where they take the information and then they approach him, is that right?
So do you think it would be best to wait until I have all my stuff together, then log it with the police?
Women's aid will be able to advise you, regarding informing police, logging etc. They are also good at helping you devise a plan of escape. Make sure you clear all devices of any calls, web history so that your husband is unaware of what your intentions are. I do know what you are going through and you have my deepest sympathies. You don't have to live like this, just get as much advice as you can so that you're ready to spring into action when the time is right. All the best to you and your dd.
You have a 7 hour window, around 4 nights a week, in which to make your escape. Pack up everything you need, and leave. Are you sure that your parents wouldn't help you, even take you in for a few weeks, whilst you find somewhere to live etc. I would confide in them asap. Or do you have siblings you can stay with?
My friend had to leave her husband and she packed things away first that he wouldn't notice. Then when he was out she packed the rest of the stuff she would need and left.
I personally think you should leave asap before the baby is born, the links above should help.
Do something now as after might be too late. Xx
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