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How do I go about this?

(6 Posts)
Onthedowns Fri 08-Jul-16 09:07:51

Bit of back story I am 36 with 4 month old DS and 4 year old DD. Moved into my foster home when I was 11 no contact with blood family. Foster family have two girls boy who are now 21,27,31. They have all but adopted me I moved out when 25 paid for my wedding been there with children etc. My brothers sisters are that except for blood. However last year or so I have felt disjointed and not sure if it's me them or both. My mum used to own a nursery and provided childcare for my dd however she retired and we fell out as I didn't agree or she didn't agree with my parenting methods. We made up but it's not been right since. My DSIS has 2 children 6 and 4 and although I say I have always been treated the same there are differences . My DSIS is a nurse and her DH are fairly well of albeit a lot due to credit and hefty mortgage. My mum provides all childcare although she has offered with mine I work part time and have managed to sort mine out. My parents came into some money and have house abroad so divide their time. One if the reasons I don't rely on childcare is that they are away a lot so it can be unreliable and hard to find alternatives although my sister has money for clubs etc. I had my DS prematurely 5 weeks and he was in scbu for 3 weeks I was made to feel like I should keep going stuff upper lip etc! He's home but has a few problems reflux and cmpi it's hard work but no real support. I think family think I am making it up! My DSIS has followed everything I have done got married 6 months after me, moved 2 months after me children) I had a miscarriage. She's now pregnant due Christmas, was conceived whilst son in scbu. I always feel like she doesn't like attention on anyone esle. I am looking at going back to work my dd starts school in September . Parents said that they would be around to help in holidays next year with both sets grandchildren. However now DSIS will be on mat leave they are going abroad for whole summer. - thanks! Myself and DH are the odd ones out occasions as we don't live beyond our means or to keep up appearances. However I find myself being distanced through my choice and also because I don't follow suit in family. It's my younger DSIS hen weekend I am going for one night not two due to money and leaving my young son. Comments have been made about it and if I mention it I get told its normal have a break etc! I feel very down about my son being in scbu and premature but again no one mentions it and focus is now on new grandchild arriving. I know I sound jealous but situation is beginning to get to me and I don't know how to approach it. Sorry for length

MatildaTheCat Fri 08-Jul-16 09:22:53

Firstly you sound a little depressed. Caring for a newborn is so tough, let alone a baby with health issues. After 4 months the wider world generally think someone is over the early bit and getting on with it but it isn't always so simple.

You do sound a little jealous and resentful of your sister. She didn't announce her pregnancy on your wedding day or do anything to steal your thunder, she's just living her life. Your mum cannot be equal in everything she ever does, it isn't possible. She has already helped you with childcare and will do so again but is now in a different phase of life and able to go away and please herself. Try not to resent that.

In your position it must be incredibly hard to not feel like an outsider, even when all of the evidence points towards your family loving you very much indeed. Have you had counselling to explore your feelings? You only have to read here a bit to see that birth families are full of people with similar resentments and long held grudges ( not saying you have these).

Try to talk to your mum honestly and tell her how sad you are feeling. Maybe have a chat with your GP or HV if you are having trouble coping, they won't be at all shocked or surprised. Support is there.

Best wishes.

Onthedowns Fri 08-Jul-16 09:46:01

I probably am a little depressed but I don't have support as it's more of a we are tough women and get on with it! It's hard not to feel resentful of sister when I can't do anything without following suit it's almost like as soon as spotlight on me it has to revert. But I think it might be nice to be asked how I am doing etc. My mum was also looking after my sisters two through out nursery also not just my dd. My sister announced she will be spending 6 weeks summer holidays abroad now mum will be away. Mum has offers to help with DS but I can't say yes when it's unreliable and I think she takes that as rejection. My sister has left her children whilst she has been abroad several times I haven't and I think they think we don't like leaving our children. Simple fact is we don't have money. They say use credit card we don't want to currently . It's very hard!

Onthedowns Fri 08-Jul-16 21:27:59

😔

loobyloo1234 Fri 08-Jul-16 21:33:16

Hey OP
Didn't want to read and run flowers
How are you this evening?
Do you have any good friends that you can rely on at the moment?

Onthedowns Sat 09-Jul-16 05:30:22

Hi thanks I have a couple but it's hard as they are different stages no children yet! I am joining groups with my DS to try and meet you knew people and my dd starting school I have starting to meet new people. It's hard to know what's depression and what's not? A log of these feelings are around most of the time re family I just feel distant maybe it's showing our differences

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