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Tell me about your df or dm - if you are so different

(5 Posts)
CookieDoughKid Thu 07-Jul-16 21:40:47

....that you don't see eye to eye and find it hard to maintain a relationship.

I'll go first:
My mum, immigrant 30 years ago but never integrated with British society. She was born in a 3rd world Asian communist country.

She is a recluse.
She has NO and NEVER HAD friends .Only a handful of acquaintances on the street.(I was never allowed friends. I never ever did playdates).
She doesn't read (I was never allowed novels or any kind of creative reading.)

Mum hates music, theatre or art (I was not allowed to learn a musical instrument and never allowed out to the movies).

She doesn't like any sport (I never learnt to swim).
She can't cope with noise. (I was not allowed to have the radio on growing up).

Her house is full of clutter and she collects empty boxes at home.

She has never worked, she doesn't understand what her children do.

She is complete narcissist - She is unable to take ANY criticism.
She is racist, hates black people and think the whiter the skin, the more superior.
She acts like the martyr and refuses to get any help with my dad (stroke victim). Her life is blighted by looking after my dad 24x7 but refuses ANY professional help.

Refuses my dad to go to any daycare centers.
She completely relies on my brother to help wash dad and move him around, several times a week. Brother is just 35 and has a baby,, so much so, it's causes issues in his marriage. Mum refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and will scream at you even if you hint it.

She never goes out of the house other than to the same Tesco shop.
She takes NO physical exercise - and suffers from numerous phantom ailments.

When I left home to go to University she said I was to never ever come knocking on her door again to live at home. That she hated me and that I disappointed her and that I was to never ever ask for her help.

And I never ever did.

I truly believe some parents should not have had children.

If you made it this far, please tell me about your parents. How different are they to you? Note - I'm still in touch with my mum and we have a very distant and cordial relationship. We both only feel the need to see and talk to each other for a few minutes a handful of times a year. Knowing I'm alive is really enough for her - she freely admits it.

DaughterDrowningInJunk Thu 07-Jul-16 22:27:15

She insisted I get an education but simultaneously told me I was stupid and useless and would never get a job so I have only ever applied for cleaning-type jobs. Then she prattles on about people I don't know and their fabulous jobs.

She only talks about cleaning but I don't think that is a very interesting topic of conversation, which makes me pretentious.

I have never seen her reading a book. When I was a kid she would tell people what a great reader I was but it turns out you are meant to stop reading books when you leave primary school, unless it is "a school book".

She never listens to music. I grew up in a house without music, yet was forced to have music lessons.

She keeps up with news but never expresses an opinion on any of it. She always used to make me keep up with the news but told me I would get tested on it in a job interview. I was never encouraged to discuss any of it, just absorb facts.

She can't take any criticism so if I suggest that the DC might be better having squash diluted to more than 50/50 she starts crying and says she doesn't know where she has gone wrong. Not that I am great at taking criticism either but I do try to be diplomatic about stuff.

She has never hugged me, not once. She used to clap me on the head, like a dog, if I went near her. I am quite touchy feely.

She hates single parents, women other than her and her friends, rape victims, people who have ever claimed any type of benefit, women who have been murdered by their partners, women who earn lots of money and women who have children, women who are attended by midwives in labour, and women who dress nicely despite being poor. Also women who have hobbies, women who go out and leave their poor husbands to fend for themselves while they do their hobbies, women who let their husbands cook them a meal from time to time, women who have nicely decorated homes, women who don't have nicely decorated homes, women who wear make up other than her, women who don't iron, women who don't go to church, women who are religious, women who don't work full time, women who put their children in childcare.

Cr3ampufff Thu 07-Jul-16 23:32:43

If everyone was the same the world would be a very boring place !

We are all different

We have similarities with some people and differences with others

Over time the world changes with; new inventions, new morals, new social values. I live a totally different sort of life to my grand parents or parents. I luckily live somewhere where I have a lot of choice

I guess we all strive for a better, healthier, wealthier, happier life than our previous generations

RochelleGoyle Thu 07-Jul-16 23:32:51

Yikes Daughter, your mother sounds utterly draining!

CookieDoughKid Fri 22-Jul-16 19:54:30

I didn't want to leave a thread unanswered especially when others have taken the time to respond. I realise what I posted was a complete rant but it all holds true. I truly believe if my mother was a 'young woman' and I had got to know her as a person and not just mum, I'm convinced we would not be friends. She just isn't my kind of friend.
Daughter - Is your mum not native to Britain? I feel that a huge part of the differences we feel is due to cultural differences, certainly my case. My mother never offered physical affection. It just wasn't the done thing back in her Asian country. I'm sorry about your mum. She sounds like a nutter.
How is your relationship today? Do you just detach?

Cr3ampufff I understand where you are coming from but don't entirely agree. Especially in this political climate where lack of immigrant/EU and non-EU integration can have impact. I feel that my childhood was robbed because when my parents came here as immigrants, they never integrated and they never embraced British culture. I know that it affects many of the children even though it is not talked about (suicides and murder etc). I really missed out not being allowed to read at home or have the radio on as ultimately affected my schooling and education. For many years right into my 20s, I knew many words from free reading and studying my degree, but I was not able to pronounce many English words correctly. My DH used to laugh when he first met me as he couldn't believe I had a wide vocabulary but wasn't able to pronounce. It's because I never had the opportunity at home or at school (and I went to a really shit school) to properly express, debate and use English language. The damage can be very far reaching. That's just one example.

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