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I consider it proof of betrayal ... but why can't Ieave her?

(9 Posts)
Arsenal123 Thu 07-Jul-16 19:45:57

I travelled to Russian with my Russian girlfriend and saw messages from other Russian guys. I translated them to my horror to find she had been flirting with them.

It came out that she had a Russian boyfriend who she had broken up with a few weeks before she met me but who was constantly in contact for the first 6 months of our relationship. This was main to arrange video chats to try to "sort things out".

However, there were several other guys on this Russian messaging site and one of them was asking my girlfriend about her sex life and saying that "we shouldn't be talking like this again". She said that she adored him 3 months into our relationship and sent him photos and arranged Skype conversations. It was kind of implied in one message that something went on during her time with her ex. There was also talk of a meeting while she was in Russia with me and I am very suspicious of a three hour nail appointment she went to. She dismisses it as a joke amongst old friends.

Anyway - I was stuck in Russia with this on my mind as she returned from the appointment and I hit the roof. I asked her what was going on and as she lied I got very angry, stood in her face with my hands on her shoulders and shouted some terrible things at her. She got very upset and I felt bad.

However, I have been unable to let it go. I keep analysing the messages and when I realise these conversations were going on while I was at work I get very upset and angry. I don't know why but I am finding it very hard to let go.

We've been arguing about it every day and she has gone from upset to aggrieved victim as I said I would move on but I haven't for since it happened two weeks ago. I just feel so bad inside when I think of it. I know I have to let her go but I can't and as a result I'm losing sight of myself.

She just keeps listing the things I have said to her and how I overreacted. I really want to tell the world what she did. Especially as one of these guys has a girlfriend.

What do I do if I can't walk away. Where can I find help to muster up the strength and support?

SandyY2K Thu 07-Jul-16 19:52:08

You can walk away if you want to. This relationship has no future with no trust. The world has millions of of single women. Find yourself a better one.

hmmmum Thu 07-Jul-16 19:56:52

Sounds like she's getting a buzz from the attention she's getting through flirting with other guys. Unless she changes she's going to always be like that - not content in a committed relationship but always wanting the thrill of the chase to give her an ego boost. Try and get support from real life friends and lean on them a bit so that you can have the strength to break up with her. Otherwise you'll just keep getting hurt.

Flacidunicorn Thu 07-Jul-16 20:01:10

From your post id say you have a couple choices.

1) stay
2) leave

If you stay, you're going to have to really dig deep and move past it. Otherwise youll go mad with paranoia, youll be checking her phone, her fb, getting suspicious and driving yourself batshit whilst not doing anything to stop her doing anything.

If you go you'll have to put this reltionship behind you and not let it affect future ones.

Tough position op. Personally I'd be gone. Once trust is broken, it's damn near impossible to repair ime.

ThePigeon314 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:04:28

maybe you feel that you will have wasted the time you invested in to the relationship and you're not ready to accept that yet, so you stay, hoping things will improve and make the time you spent together not a waste.
it's called the phallecy of sunk costs or something.

I would move on tbh. Sounds like her heart is not in to you/the relationship - at all. why stay together/?

merville Thu 07-Jul-16 20:09:09

"Constantly in contact (with ex) for the first 6 months of our relationship"

"She said that she adored him 3 months into our relationship and sent him photos and arranged Skype conversations. It was kind of implied in one message that something went on during her time with her ex. There was also talk of a meeting while she was in Russia with me.."

Her behaviour has been inappropriate. She doesn't sound trustworthy or committed. Without trust you can't have a "decent" relationship.

No offence but it's also worth keeping in mind that a non-EU national may have an agenda in being in a relationship with someone from a relatively wealthy, developed country with a welfare state.

Re. the hands on the shoulders & shouting thing; I suspect you are downplaying that slightly .. be careful of any physical contact like that when angry and arguing; she or someone else may choose to go to the police over it (and perhaps exaggerate) and you could end up with an assault/domestic violence charge & record. Just walk away and give yourself lots of time & space to calm down.

Stillunexpected Thu 07-Jul-16 20:21:16

How did you meet this woman?

Cabrinha Thu 07-Jul-16 20:26:30

Don't care what she's done.
You need to be ashamed of yourself.
You were in her face, angrily shouting at her with your hands on her shoulders shouting terrible things?

I divorced a cheat. I know the anger. I didn't abuse him though.

Split up with her because she clearly isn't interested in a committed faithful relationship with you.

But don't ever tell yourself that your vile behaviour was justified, and don't even think about dating again until you can control your disgusting behaviour.

Shame on you.

ThePigeon314 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:32:44

Blimey, yeh, I missed that bit.

That level of anger is abusive.

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