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Fussy husband

(14 Posts)
Aranpoo Thu 07-Jul-16 19:15:17

Apologies for how insignificant this sounds I'm comparison to other threads, but I could really use some advice:
My DH is a kind man generally, he's quiet and reserved most of the time, until it comes to anything new. I'm very creative, I have a creative job which involves designing and making things. Sometimes my ideas are a bit out of the ordinary, but generally they're just plain ideas. DH rarely has ideas to change anything and will make do with any old battered piece of furniture, object etc, whilst I'm wired to create things, add my own stamp and add bits of colour to things.
lately I've been feeling utterly depressed at home as DH vetos every single idea I have no matter how big or small. We have just moved house and I suggested about moving our current dining table into the conservatory as it wouldn't fit in the kitchen. Straight away he said "no, dining tables go in kitchens not conservatories" He seems to think there are always strict rules to follow with every minor decision we make in life and it's exhausting me. My creative nature feels completely capped at home.

I think this is a learned behaviour as his parents are very similar and almost seem to compete with each other to be the most awkward. For example, DH'S DF hates tomatoes and demands nothing be made with tomatoes at home, yet when we eat out he always chooses a tomato based dish! When I questioned him he said "we'll it's different when you're not at home" Is it? The rest of DH'S family appeared to accept this preference and I was shocked at the way he chooses to limit his life and be so awkward about things.

DH does this with food too. His reaction is often "I don't like this/ that" but he regularly learns that he actually does.

We are compatible on other levels, but as creativity, originality and ideas are such big things for me, I'm feeling utterly stifled and depressed. DHs awkward nature appears to worsen with age too.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 07-Jul-16 19:17:36

Have you told him that his small mindedness is making you unhappy?

It might not seem that bad now- but can you imagine this worsening over the years?

You need to have a serious discussion about his behaviour. Old habits are hard to change but if he loves you then he needs to lighten up.

Aranpoo Thu 07-Jul-16 19:17:47

I should add that sometimes DH comes up with ideas of his own, though rarely. I go out of my way to allow for them always so that he can see and feel how good it is to be valued. But hes yet to mirror my behaviour.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 07-Jul-16 19:22:14

I wouldn't expect him to be coming up with ideas of his own often, that's unlikely to change but I would expect him to be more open to ideas and change and also more aware of how his behaviour is making you feel- thats the most important part

booksandcoffee Thu 07-Jul-16 19:22:33

That sucks. Is part of his thing that he does not like change? I have that issue, but I have found that after two or three weeks I get used to the change and it becomes the new norm. Perhaps you could just make the change next time, when he complains suggest that he give it a few weeks and see if he gets used to it. If he still dislikes it after a few weeks then put it back to how it was. Good luck.

ChocChocPorridge Thu 07-Jul-16 19:23:31

Have you considered just doing it, and asking him to just give it a go for a month and then decide?

I find, that with people who are set like this, you just need to jump over their rules. You need to be grown up about it though - unless his character accepts it, you shouldn't poke or gloat for instance (my DP does this, and I do it back when we've been right over something the other wasn't convinced about, but I know that lots of people would find it upsetting)

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 07-Jul-16 19:27:45

Dining tables go in Dining Rooms. If the Conservatory is going to be used as a Dining Room then that is where it should go. Kitchens have Kitchen Tables.


WhatsGoingOnEh Thu 07-Jul-16 19:43:45

My first husband was like this, I feel your pain, it's a headfuck.

Honestly? Just stop asking him. Just do it. Just move the table. Just customise the lampshade (or whatever). Chances are high that he won't even notice, or if he does, his innate laziness will force him to accept it looks great rather than go to the effort of moving it back out.

Just do it. I know a million wives who just do their creative wacky shiat at home, and never ever would dream of asking DH's permission.

Topseyt Thu 07-Jul-16 20:42:29

You can't make him creative when he isn't. He just isn't.

He should though, make an effort to at least give your more creative ideas a try.

Start just doing things yourself. Move the table into the conservatory while he is out, if you have someone to help you. If he questions it then tell him that the conservatory is the designated formal dining room and so needs a decent table in there. Maybe compromise by getting a smaller folding table for the kitchen, if that is what would fit. It can be an everyday eating area.

Add your splashes of colour if you want to. If it is nothing outlandish then he might start to find he likes it, or might at least learn to hold his tongue.

You want a bright and cheerful home, not a dungeon.

ButIbeingpoor Thu 07-Jul-16 20:47:53

I agree with pp. just do it!
Years ago I worked in a big open plan office, our desks were arranged in straight rows. One morning I came into work and all the desks were changed and grouped according to sections. Everyone hated it.
The boss announced that he would hear criticisms about the rearrangement after one month and not before.
One month later, no one remembered why they hated it.
So tell him he has to try the new thing for a specific time and then you can discuss any issues.

SandyY2K Thu 07-Jul-16 20:57:32

Another who says just do it.

As long as the change are not major and irreversible

Aranpoo Sat 09-Jul-16 13:07:04

Thanks everyone.

I think I will just start doing things. I think part of the issue (my issue) is that I'm always trying to seek his approval, I always want him to appreciate or like the things I create, which I know I probably need to give up on.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 09-Jul-16 13:23:40

His approval is nice but that should not trump the fact that you are an equal in your home-not a subordinate. You do not need his permission.

WhatsGoingOnEh Sun 10-Jul-16 18:41:40

OP, I'm like you. I say: "I think we should do this!" when what I'm really saying is, "Please love this idea!"

But our partners hear, "I genuinely want to hear your opinion on this idea, even if - perhaps especially if - your opinion is negative."

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