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was your DH/DP as attentive during second or subsequent pregnancies as with the first?

(30 Posts)
Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 18:52:44

Just canvassing opinion really. DH couldn't do enough for me in first pregnancy but this time is really quite useless if I'm being honest. He will just watch me struggle with things that are clearly too heavy for me to carry etc without offering to help, gets in from work and sits on his arse while I put DS to bed (he's a non-sleeper so this can be quite lengthy!) then asks me after the bedtime battle what i am going to do about dinner (at 9pm!) after hes been sat on his backside, that kind of thing. There's obviously alot more examples but don't want to come across as having a pity party. I've not said anything to him about it yet as I realise that second time is very different so I don't want to have a hissy fit before I've put myself in his shoes a bit. He dors work very hard. I've heard from other friends of DH being less involved in the pregnancy second time around which I totally get but to me it feels a bit more than that, or it could just be my hormones!

pointythings Thu 07-Jul-16 19:00:18

Yes, my DH absolutely was. I was incredibly sick, even worse than first time round, and he made me home made tomato sauces (which with pasta was all I could eat for about 20 weeks), did most of the housework when I was too shattered to do it, was generally brilliant. I didn't have to ask. You need to talk to your DH, he does have to step up. You're having his child and parenting takes 2.

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 19:07:43

That's so lovely of him to do that for you pointy, exactly the kind of thing that DH would have done for me first time. I forgot to say I am a sahm do I do expect for the majority of domestic things to be my responsibility - I do usually have dinner ready or at least have a plan for dinner for example. I'm 33 weeks now and just begun to feel uncomfortable (not to mention tired!) and just can't do everything to full capacity at the moment!

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 19:12:43

He probably looked after me less, but looked after our son more than usual to give me the opportunity to rest. I suppose we were both a bit less precious about me as a pregnant woman (fine by me).
On the other hand your husband sounds like he's being a lazy bugger regardless of you being pregnant. Do you not work hard too, outside or inside of the home?

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 19:14:18

Sorry just saw that you're a SAHM. Unless you get loads of time to yourself in the day, he should be helping in the evenings. It's not really fair for you to have a 18 hour day vs his 8 hour day or whatever - plus I bet he gets a lunch break!

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 19:20:13

I totally get about being less precious this time Alice, I totally expected that but maybe I've let him get away with too much and hrs gone a bit too far and now just is oblivious to the notion that I might nerd extra help towards end of pregnancy...

SmallBee Thu 07-Jul-16 19:21:45

I'm in the same boat as Pointy, I've had a horrendous second pregnancy and I've still got five weeks left! DH has done ALL OF THE THINGS, DD, housework, food etc without being asked or complaining.
He's not as precious about me being pregnant, less talking to the bump etc but I'm the same.

Trinpy Thu 07-Jul-16 19:22:42

My Dh was less helpful in my second pregnancy but I spoke to him about it and he got much better after that. He said he thought that since I'd said I was finding pregnancy easier this time round that I would be fine to carry on as normal hmm.

He would never leave me to do everything in the evening though. As soon as he's through the door he gets stuck in with housework/childcare. Maybe you need to talk to your Dh about having a 50/50 split so one of you puts ds to bed while the other cooks?

Thomasisintraining Thu 07-Jul-16 19:23:06

No DH was totally unsympathetic after my first pregnancy however he was brilliant at putting in more than his fair share with the existing child (ren). Basically he took more care of the existing one(s) while I worked on the next one.

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 19:23:38

He does do a 12 hour day, mine doesn't really have definitive start and end due to non sleeping toddler angry I'm up before him 7 days a week and go to bed probably 30 mins before he does. So it's not dissimilar. I am jealous of the lunch break though grin

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 19:27:23

Okay, thanks for your replies. I think maybe I do need to have a chat. Any advice on how to word it? Hes very good at arguments and I don't want it to escalate in to one but sometimes hormones get the better of me and it comes out wrong. Then we argue, then I back down and nothing changes!

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 19:38:09

But he sits around all evening - do you get any time to relax? By being precious I meant the silly little things - he absolutely needs to do more than normal around the house so that you can rest. After the birth it's likely that he may need to do nearly 100% for several weeks so that you can concentrate on recovering and the 24/7 job of looking after a newborn, so he needs to sort his shit out.

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 19:39:18

You have a toddler too - that answers my question about time to relax! Why isn't he doing 50% of bedtimes?

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 19:44:19

Normally: same amount of free time - he does not sit down while there are still things to do, once everything is done you can both sit and relax.
When you are in the last trimester of pregnancy: Once he gets home from work you get to put your feet up. He gives you several hours a day at the weekend to put your feet up - you do not reciprocate. Surely he can do this for seven weeks!!

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:26:42

So to answer your question re bedtime: For a few reasons he can't really do it, partly because DS refuses to be put to bed by him (were getting help from HV re sleeping issues!) and because he usually doesn't get home until after I've bathed DS and taken him through to get him dressed for bed, around 7.30/8 ish. I think it might be too exciting for DS if daddy comes in 10 mins before bedtime and tries to take over although I'm probably wrong there as I clearly am not getting the sleeping thing right. It's the downing tools as soon as he gets in that gets me. Comes in and dumps his stuff wherever hr feels like it for me to pick up (house is 99.9% of the time tidy and clean when he gets in. Maybe he sees it as a blank canvas to mess up!) he does have DS Saturday mornings while I go to yoga and occasionally out for coffee after. He usually does something practical during this time too like gardening or cleaning the car etc. I think I usually manage things quite well but just worried about being able to manage it when I have two of them! Okay I will chat to him tomorrow. He's put with work tonight. Not a good time to bring it up when he has been drinking!

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:30:22

Trinpy - thank you, I'm glad he was understanding when you spoke to him about it, that does give me confidence that he will take it on the chin and step up.

katiegg Thu 07-Jul-16 20:32:53

18 weeks pregnant at the moment and husbands attentiveness is about the same but in different ways, if that makes sense?

Early on, I was quite sick and very tired. first time around he was very attentive - bringing me drinks, toast etc and taking on the lions share of the housework. This time around, he's more likely to leave me to my own devices when I'm tired but completely takes over looking after 18 month old ds. Which is great because in the early stages I wasn't able for running around after him.

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:38:03

Side note - interesting that lots of people seem to be more sick with second baby, as was I. I distinctly remember throwing up one morning though with toddler clinging to my ankles demanding more cheerios very loudly while DH was lying in bed drinking a coffee in the next room. We live in a two bedroom bungalow, there's no way he didn't hear what was going on. Should have said something then I think.

MyBreadIsEggy Thu 07-Jul-16 20:40:14

My DH pulls his weight around the house, and does his fair share of childcare for 14mo Dd when he is home...but he definitely does not fawn over me and treat me like I will break if I lift a cup of tea like he did last time hmm
I think he was scared last time because he didn't really know much about pregnancy or babies before we had Dd, but this time around he knows that I am not a fragile, glass container with his child inside that will smash to a million pieces at the slightest physical activity!
To be perfectly honest, I'm not as attentive to this pregnancy as I was last time, purely because I'm constantly busy with Dd, so j don't have time to sit and think "I'm pregnant" like I did last time!

Bee182814 Thu 07-Jul-16 20:46:03

I know MyBreadIsEggy - some days I get to lunchtime/teatime/bedtime and think I haven't even acknowledged this pregnancy today and feel guilty!

AliceInHinterland Thu 07-Jul-16 22:15:54

I know it's hard with toddler bedtimes - mine only wants to be put to bed by his dad! I just put up with the screaming and get on with it to be honest but I know that's not for everyone. I never leave him to cry on his own, I just sit with him and tell him that I'm putting him to bed today. I work longer hours than my partner and have to make an effort to spend bonding time with my toddler to even out the favouritism a bit.
My partner has done nearly every bedtime since the baby was born though (6 weeks) and it's a lifesaver that he can do it. Can your partner possibly get home earlier for a couple of months after the baby is born?
It is so hard influencing some men to step up because then they would have to admit they were taking the mickey before.

Bee182814 Fri 08-Jul-16 06:28:54

Well he thinks he is going to use his paternity leave for job hunting and finding a job closer to home so he can be here more hmm but if things stay as they are it's not really an option. Maybe I might ask my dad to help out with bedtime etc in the early days. He's not very local though so it's difficult. And yes, any suggestions that they are less than perfect are not well received usually...

coco1810 Fri 08-Jul-16 14:18:15

Mine did my head in the first time round. He didn't get the memo that pregnancy doesn't turn a woman in to glass. The second time he was far more practical taking care of DS and housework as I had the double whammy of SPD and I had three miscarriages previously.

DownUnderBound Fri 08-Jul-16 14:24:35

Mine actually got better massively with second pregnancy. And I can fully envision if there was a third, he would be waiting on me hand and foot. First time round was useless.

branofthemist Fri 08-Jul-16 14:25:21

My dh was different the second time around. Which was better. Neither of us were that nervous and worried the second time. I enjoyed it more as well. The first time I was pregnant he was always hovering. I felt like a China doll.

But in general dh has always done 50% of house work and childcare (I have always worked full time and so its 50:50) , he would never come In and dump his stuff.

I imagine if your dh was at least doing his fair share, you wouldn't be that fussed.

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