I have been together with my long term partner just over 10 years, we are both in our early/mid 30s with one little boy nearly 1. I feel we are at a nadir in our relationship, and I can't decide whether we can work at it to move forward, so any words of advice would be so gratefully received and considered.
Background:
We are both very independent, and career wise successful. he in particular has excelled in the last few years and now is very financially secure. It was always the case that his career was very important to him. For me my career is enjoyable and gives me financial independence but it comes definitely a second to my family and home life.
Early in the relationship he made it clear he never wanted children, due to huge commitment in terms of emotions, time and finances. I didn't feel that way but I was in my early twenties, we were deeply in love (we are really both weird in exactly the same way, we are great friends, and we have neither of us met anyone quite like each other before), and I gave myself until 30 to decide whether I'd be prepared to give up having children to be with him (and obviously hoping that he might change his mind). We are both lukewarm about marriage and are not.
When I turned 30, he still did not want children and also seemed quite reluctant to commit to the long term (e.g. Buying a home together), even though it was clear he still loved me. We had a year or two of a tough time as I dithered between leaving or not, I still loved him deeply and had to choose between a childless future with him or leaving him to pursue these goals with a theoretical someone else.
Quite suddenly (btw should add that he finds it very hard to be communicative about feelings and relationships), he seemed to realise that he was about to lose me, and within the space of a year committed to buying a house together (we don't live there permanently, and it is being renovated majorly), and having children together. We got pregnant very quickly and our baby is nearly 1. In hindsight I realise I never really probed why he changed his mind, I didn't want to Rock the boat as I was so overjoyed. I suspect he mostly did it for me.
Because I realised how hard it might have been for him to make that decision, I took on 90pc of the share of baby and household duties. You will laugh at me for putting up with this, but he has never:
Washed a bottle
Done a load of laundry
Cooked a meal
Fed the baby a meal
Done food shopping
Dealt with night wakes
And a million other things that tend to be shared as parents.
That said, it would be unfair to not recognise that he does try his best in some ways, he pays for our cleaner and our nanny to take some of the burden from me, he pays the majority of our outgoings, he is thankful and often brings home little gifts to remind us that he thinks of us. Also, until now I genuinely didn't mind - I knew that he hates all of those domestic chores, and we agreed before baby that he had a pass on this.
I sound like a total pushover but I promise you I'm not, I adore domesticity and it was not a chore for me to do this because it is my life goal to create a lovely home, and a wonderful brood of well behaved and happy children. I have spent the last year working so hard on our home life (also renovating a whole house!) that I haven't been always very easy to live with, and I can sometimes take out my emotions on him.
Currently:
Two things happened.
- He went without telling me to the home of a young lady about a month ago. I don't want to be specific but the timing of the visit, and the personal relationship between the two of them, makes the visit highly inappropriate. I was very upset. He says that he 'likes' her but that nothing happened. I think I believe that nothing physically happened, but whether he wanted to is a different matter. For the sake of the family I did my best to see this as positively as possible (he's just an insensitive oaf who didn't think about what it all might have looked like), rather than the worst (he's trying to have an affair). And we basically patched things up, But then:
- He said he will not have more children. Despite having talked about siblings for the baby, despite only last week joking about silly names to call number 2, despite other little hints. He said it as though it was a tiny thing, but of course for me it is such a huge deal. Not only am I upset that we may not have more children, but also how he said it so carelessly without any thoughts for how I might feel.
Of course right now I hate how much I have done for the family. Why did I do more than humanly possible in the last year if we aren't even on the same page with regards to priorities? Ridiculously I was even trying to ask him to take more time away from the baby on the weekends to sleep or relax! What is my reward for all the effort I put in? Why is he even in my life?
To be blunt, the positives of him are:
He's now financially set enough that I'd never have to worry about money, but I would have to 'ask' for some things, and I wont be say deciding when I buy a new car. However I have a large salary too, and it would easily fully cover the outgoings for me and the baby if we lived a fairly middle class life.
I do love him. He is original, intelligent, and interesting. We are basically still great friends, and he inspires me in my mental life.
I'm used to having him around, and It is nice to not be lonely
Whilst I'm pretty certain that I could find someone else who i could love, and who loves me and the baby, I also know that right now, on paper, he is a better catch than me. Would I feel awful if he had a family with someone else?
he would put up with a hell of a lot before he'd leave me and the baby (perhaps physically if not emotionally) because he sees it as duty as a father.
He is my baby daddy
There is of course so much more I can add. But given the above, do you still think there is still some grounds to work this on, so that we come out of this? Am I a total fool? Is this worth salvaging?
Thank you again so much in advance.