Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Totally don't know what to about DH anymore....

(29 Posts)
Fedupd0tcom Wed 06-Jul-16 23:00:36


So tonight I've basically spent the last 2 hours alone.

My DH and I are in the home....but I have been alone.

This happens most evenings. There hasn't been a row or anything. We've just done our own thing. Or rather he has...

I wouldn't mind only it's been going on for a few years. We have a lot of stress as I'm also a carer to my Mum and I struggle to get on with ILs, which adds tension. He also works long hours and isn't well sometimes with exhaustion. However I also work, albeit pt, and that plus juggling being Mum and a carer floors me.

But we never want to do anything together. On the extremely rare occasion we get a babysitter neither of us makes plans or knows what to do. I used to....I booked us in to see a musical and go stay at a posh hotel ages ago. I used to always plan things we could do. Book all our trips away
But now I've stopped as he does none of this.

Basically I'm fed up. This feels like an empty marriage. Maybe I'm being an unreasonable b1tch. He's a decent man and great father to our LO. But I can't take much more. We went marriage counselling.... waste of time...he didn't want to continue. He says he doesn't want me to leave but if I do he won't/can't stop me.

The physical side of our relationship is non existent. No basic affection or cuddles... let alone much else.

I know it's football season and to be expected...but I'm so fed up and feel v alone. AIBU?

Fedupd0tcom Wed 06-Jul-16 23:02:54

Whenever his ILs are dismissive he always takes their side. Never notices when I make an effort to look nice. Moans at me if I don't stick to my diet. So fed up.

Fedupd0tcom Wed 06-Jul-16 23:04:06

We barely converse most days sad

NightWanderer Wed 06-Jul-16 23:06:27

He sounds like he has checked out of the marriage but doesn't have the balls to actually end things. Probably doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy who ended things. You have every right to be happy. You don't sound very happy though.

sooperdooper Wed 06-Jul-16 23:09:11

You don't sound happy OP, do you think you'd be happier on your own? He doesn't sound like a partner, just like someone you share a house with sad

MeMySonAndl Wed 06-Jul-16 23:12:24

It is over, he has checked out. I agree that he doesn't want to be the one who ends the marriage.

Use this to your advantage and use this time to prepare a well organised exit: save some money, improve your financial independence (get a job if you do not have one already), check entitlement to benefits/tax credits and round your friends up for support.

It may sound really sad to get to this, but in some time you will look back and wonder how you manage to put up with such "relationship". You are better on your own.

Fedupd0tcom Wed 06-Jul-16 23:15:09

Sadly I think you're all right. But I can't bear to go. It'll hurt my LO so much. I want to have another LO. It'll ruin our family. I'm so devastated. But you're all right. I think I need to go when it's sensible to.

MeMySonAndl Wed 06-Jul-16 23:21:21

No, it will not hurt your LO as much as growing up in a family environment where there is no love and parents do not talk to each other.

Do you want your kid to grow to think what you have is the norm and model to follow in their own relationships?

MeMySonAndl Wed 06-Jul-16 23:24:17

And yes you need to go when you are ready, but not leave it for long, when you are in such state of indiference it won't be long before resentment and frustration starts to build up, and that's when the real damage may happen.

As for your child, the younger the better, they find it much easier to adapt the younger they are.

MeMySonAndl Wed 06-Jul-16 23:27:19

Don't go for another kid yet. You should only bring more children into the equation if you are in a happy functional relationship, babies add a lot of pressure to already difficult situations.

Shizzlestix Wed 06-Jul-16 23:33:19

Do you have anything in common? Could you ask someone to babysit and re-ignite some of the reasons you got together in the first place?

oldfatandtired1 Wed 06-Jul-16 23:49:00

You're me Fedup. I stayed 'for the kids' and he walked out on my once my youngest had gone to Uni. I wish I'd had the courage to leave years ago, we'd have been fine. He can still be a good father to your LO if you live apart. I live alone now but I'm not lonely. I was bloody lonely in the last few years of my marriage!

Fedupd0tcom Thu 07-Jul-16 07:00:02

I don't know if we have anything in common anymore. I'm trying to sort out a babysitter so maybe we could go out and talk. But in the rare events we have gone out together it's been a case of me talking and him being pretty silent.

Fedupd0tcom Thu 07-Jul-16 07:23:18

I don't know if I'll be happy if I go. I'm scared of being alone. He's just so passive aggressive though. If we ever have a row, rather than argue he just walks off. He's wearing a crumpled shirt to work today. I said he should iron it as he's going to work. He rolls his eyes and walks off. I don't have time to iron. I won't see him again until this evening. Maybe it's all my fault. I'm so tired right now with all my juggling that only the bare essentials of housework get done. He does help but he must be sick of me being inept and tired.

Fedupd0tcom Thu 07-Jul-16 07:24:24

Sorry he said 'I don't have time to iron'. Maybe it's my fault ....I should iron more.

NightWanderer Thu 07-Jul-16 07:33:42

But it must be so exhausting living with someone like that. How about a break? Can he spend a week at his parents? I really think you'd feel so much happier without him there. You'll have more energy. It's so exhausting living with someone negative.

loopygoose Thu 07-Jul-16 07:34:47

I agree with the first comment of memysonandI. You need an exit strategy that will protect you. The difference is that I do believe it is worth trying to turn things around. Why? You'll never know if you don't try and if you're doing that then it gives you time to work out how you get out in a positive way. Why not 'find' him and just give him a hug? Try kind gestures like touching him. Perhaps you could broach the subject of housework and say acknowledge how you think he might be thinking then explain how you'd like it to be different but don't know how to change everything on your own.
I'm no expert but sometimes it's the little things that can add to making a marriage work again. He may have checked out but he may also be feeling resentful that all your attention and energy is elsewhere. Have you been to see a marriage guidance councillor? You don't, necessarily, need to take him to begin with. Perhaps they can give you expert advice on how to bridge the gap and also to explore your feelings and your side of the relationship. The worst that can come out of it is that you get to know yourself better and the mistakes made in this marriage help you to grow as a person.

AyeAmarok Thu 07-Jul-16 07:40:37

Relationships don't get into this state because of ironing OP. It's not about the ironing.

It sounds like he takes you for granted. You're trying to keep a lot of balls in the air and rather than help you, he's chucking another one at you with his refusal to sort out your marriage.

Fidelia Thu 07-Jul-16 07:51:44

He's an adult. He can hold an iron if he chooses. He chooses not to, and he chooses to let you blame yourself.

A DH doing housework is not a DH who is 'helping'. Housework is about equally sharing the workload for running a house. He makes the house messy/dirty etc, so it's natral that he should do his share of tidying it etc.

There's probably no point scheduling a date night right now, it's more likely to make you miserable. Get your ducks in a row.

It sounds like he's just waiting for you to leave so that he can be the poor passive aggressive victim. Well my Ex was like that, and HE had cheated! I stopped 'fixing' things for him. I stopped reacting to his messing up/procrastination/little comments. I stopped trying to talk about things. I also stopped

- doing his washing unless it was in the linen bin etc (the passive aggressive in him liked me having to pick his clothes up off the floor etc).
- tidying up after him
- asking him where things were (that he had lost). I adapted or bought replacements & refused to let him see it bothered me.
- asking him to move when he was in the way (he often did this) and just did something else instead.
- asking him to do anything (he liked to passive resist any normal requests)

Basically, I stopped doing the things that the passive aggressive in him felt that he needed me to do for him/react towards him (so he felt good that he was calm and I wasn't/he'd manipulated me into asking for something)

It was the refusing to react to his provocation that really irked him. In our case it was more complicated, his passive aggression had been diagnosed, and this was about not enabling him.

It was definitely NOT my intention (I was wanting us to work on our marriage) but after three weeks of this, he walked out. Turns out that all I was to him was a passive aggressive tool to control. When he didn't have that anymore, he didn't want to be married.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 07-Jul-16 07:52:40


What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You state that you are scared of being alone but the fact is that you are pretty much alone now. There is nothing much more lonely than being on your own in what is a failing marriage. You've tried marriage counselling and unsurprisingly it did not work out because he regarded it as a waste of time. He's always been selfish and dismissive of your efforts. He is very much a product of his own upbringing; I can imagine he is really a carbon copy of his parents (and you find them difficult as well).

He wants you to call time on this because he is cowardly and selfish, he has also already checked out of this marriage and is probably several steps ahead of you here.

He is not a good father to his child if he treats you like this. Your child deserves to see a better example of a relationship. It will do this child no favours at all to grow up within such a household, it will just teach the child that a loveless marriage is their norm too.

Women in dead end relationships often write the "good father" comment simply because they can themselves write nothing else positive about their man.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Thu 07-Jul-16 08:05:13

It will be scary when you walk out the door.... (or he does depending). You will have to negotiate how you split... (on that matter, try not to get vicious and nasty and just accept you are better off separate). You will have to earn a living without support and for a while money will be tight.

But you will have your dignity and the freedom to make your own life as you choose. As everyone above says, it is time to call it a day. I wish the best for you.

BobbinThreadbare123 Thu 07-Jul-16 08:16:09

Been there, done that. He's checked out. I'd start putting my ducks in order before he actually acts, if I were you. The lack of interest, passive aggression and ambivalence from your supposed life partner becomes soul destroying. I forgot what it was like to be happy until after he'd gone! Now, life is fab.

Fedupd0tcom Thu 07-Jul-16 09:06:48

Yes....happiness has gone out the window. I wonder is there any way we can turn it back to a time we were happy. sad I'm so devastated. I have everything set up so I can go, everything is in order, but I am too scared to go. I also had hoped we could work through this. I feel it's all my fault because I'm depressed. I also stupidly had an emotional affair a few years ago (the other man made me realise I was my own person and had a right to be myself and follow my dreams....while my husband just denies my dreams and dismisses and belittles them). All ties have been cut with the other man and I massively regret my lack of fidelity. I am just thankful I wasn't physically unfaithful.....but emotionally is bad enough and it's all my bloody fault. I'm so stupid

notapizzaeater Thu 07-Jul-16 09:11:37

You probably started the emotional affair because your needs weren't being met at home.

My mum was lonely in her marriage, they've now split, yes it was hard and bloody scary but she's in a much better place.

Fidelia Thu 07-Jul-16 09:12:01

Oh yes, you'll find your self esteem comes back once he's gone. And I know it's a bit scary now, but it gets so much easier once an unsupportive partner is gone.

As for your LO, at the moment, you are teaching them that your marriage is what a healthy relationship looks like...and it isn't. Yes, they will be sad/angry and will want you back together because it's what they've always known. But you can teach your LO that it's better to be happy and single, than together, treated badly, and miserable. Then they will look for a partner who will treat them well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now