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Want to move on fully ... sick of feeling hatred and resentment. Please help!(6 Posts)
Warning,this is going to be long...
Last summer I finally asked my exH to leave. It had been a long time coming. Our relationship was always turbulent. During our marriage he lied to me, cheated on me to at least the point of kissing, was cruel and abusive and on several occasions hit me. He also did pretty much nothing around the home and treated me with contempt financially as I’d stepped back in my career/hours when the kids came along (mutual decision) and he always earnt considerable more. Despite all this, it took me a long time to find the resolve to leave him.
Fast forward a year and we are now recently divorced. My 2 children live with me and overall things are good. I do however find the weight of responsibility of running the house, managing all the kids needs, working and coping on way less money than before a lot to shoulder. ExH only sees the children EOW and sometimes for a couple of hours midweek. He offers very little in terms of support, but in his mind he is a wonderful father.
So here we get to my problem. I need to work out how to move on from the anger and frustration I feel towards him. Apart from maintenance, his support for our kids really is minimal. He is currently on a last minute holiday abroad. What’s my problem with that?? Last week he lost his job out of the blue. He is massively in debt (credit cards run up since we split) and told me he needs to find a new job within 2 months or he’s fucked. So, a holiday right now seems totally ridiculous to me. He didn’t tell me he was away – what would of happened if there’d been an emergency?? And then he lied to my eldest over Skype about where he was. And I just know what’s coming next month - re his not being able to afford maintenance. This will leave me struggling massively.
I can’t find the words to express how much contempt I hold him in. I think he is a selfish, immature, self-centred, entitled prick. I am sorry I chose him to be the father of my children as not only am I going to have to live with this, but now my children have to live with years of lies, disappointment and upset too.
So, how to just accept that he is 99% useless and move on fully. I am def not in love with him. When he first left I was shocked by how little I missed him and by how happy and relieved and free I felt. When the decree nici came through I cried for what could of / should have been, but felt relieved to be free from his web of bullshit and deceit. I just feel so much anger and resentment…
I don't include mine in ANY equations. Even the maintenance, I am not relying on it. No school pick up, no nights, nothing. Whatever he does, is a bonus, but I am not expecting anything.
I'm no martyr, but I think resenting/being angry will only affect me, not him! So I'm being really kind to myself and erase him out of the scene.
I hear what you're saying 8. It just seems so damned unfair. Even down to earnings. He says to me, if you're skint then go and earn more. If I were in his position then I would, but I put the children's needs first and therefore that limits my position. He on the other hand, effectively lives like a single man, which gives him so much more freedom to max his career.
I wish I didn't have to rely on the maintenance, but sadly I do...
I know exactly how you feel and I'm thirty years on from where you are at the moment o/p. If I'm honest, I don't think you ever get past that feeling of regret for making the wrong choice in life, for choosing him instead of someone else. Somehow, it gets to the very core of who you are and it makes it very hard to trust someone again. It took me a long time but I did eventually and met someone really special.
What eventually helped in fully moving on from all the anger, upset, regret and shed loads of resentment...was focusing on my career. For years, I balanced work, kids, home, chased promotions and pay rises whenever the opportunity presented itself and got myself into a good financial position, not brilliant, but good enough by the time the kids were off to university.
That relentless focus resulted in meeting my DH through a work assignment and three years later we tied the knot.
I can honestly say that I'm happy these days but there's a tiny bit of resentment and anger left over from my time with the ex. I just live with it. I never talk about it to anyone because, well, what's the point? What's done is done.
Look to the future. Find a focus and build on it with determination and passion. It could be a hobby, training, new job, whatever but it has to be for you and not for anyone else.
We can lose ourselves in relationships. We can love too much, care too much, feel too much.
Its a revelation when you stop.
OP, a year ago I was where you are now. When you are 'strong' and 'independent' and 'shouldering it all' (oh yes that breathtaking feeling of 100% responsibility, I remember that) there is something underneath that, to be explored. I felt the same as you, and I got myself some proper psychotherapy. It helped me realise my poor choice of man was just as much about me as well as about him. I was able to see a different picture a got at peace with it all. And put it into context of the family dynamic I grew up in and the expectations I had of myself. I started to value myself in my own right. I finally and properly detached from him. I sat down with ExH and told him his contribution was not acceptable and that he had to have better contact with the dc and take responsibility for some of the stuff in their lives (school runs, after school clubs) and that he had to find some solutions to make it happen. It's all about what's fair and nothing more.
As a result my kids are happier, more secure and have a better relationship with him. I get a break from All The Responsibility. I now have respect for my ExH because he is now Parenting instead of child-minding (he is now with a new DP and this has helped massively). We are now pretty amicable and extremely cooperative. It's only 3 years since the split. My kids can see there is warmth and respect between their parents now where once there was hostility and tension.
I get to pursue my hobby and have just started a relationship with a new, very different, and very lovely chap. All the resentment has gone. It's such a different place to be.
Life has a far better balance now. I'm not saying it's a magic wand but you are facilitating the situation so if you can explore your relationship with yourself I think you'll find some answers.
I'm sure this is not the sort of post you expected to read but I do hope it helps. You can get past this stage, you really can.
Thanks HandyWoman. I understand what you are saying re why I ended up with him and I think it would do me so good to explore this. I really like the idea of finding a way to make peace with it all.
With regards to getting him to take on more responsibility, it is just not going to happen. I have explained all of this to him in a calm and rational way. His take on it is that he needs to earn lots of money (he's very materialist) and that at his level he cannot ask an employer for flexible working. I told him that women work in very senior roles too and they do have to ask their employers for flexibility and get it. The fact is he just isn't interested in doing it. It suits him to play at being a Dad EOW and even then he surrounds himself with other people so he doesn't have to deal with any responsibility on his own. He has also moved about an hour away from us ("to a town with a big pub culture, as it'll be more fun!") and uses this as his excuse for doing little during the week. He knows nothing about my children's lives - he'd struggle to name their best friends or teachers, for example.
I find it exasperating that just because we are no longer together, that he's pretty much written off having a great relationship with his kids. He knows I do everything for them and so he doesn't have to worry. Yet he still has the bloody audacity to tell me I'm a crap mother!! Honestly I could scream with rage at the unfairness of it all.
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