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Am I too emotional?!(9 Posts)
Have posted before under a different name, but mostly about sleep training my toddler!!
My husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment, and I think I am seriously considering ending it as I don't know how much longer I can cope with it. We hadn't been together very long when I got pregnant with my eldest (now 5) and I think if we hadn't have had a baby our relationship would probably not lasted as we seem to be so incompatible.
Our main issue seems to be the way we react to one another. I am the first to admit I can be oversensitive, but it feels to me that he is seriously lacking in any empathy whatsoever. We just seem to piss each other off all the time, and I am sick of having to tread on eggshells or watching what I say and I think he probably feels the same. It isn't even real arguments, more petty snipes and irritations. It is so hard to even think of examples as it all just seems so pathetic, it is making me so miserable and I just don't know how to get past it.
My confidence has been at an all time low and if I react badly to something he says or does, it always seems to be turned around to be my fault, or just me being emotional. I always end up being the one to say sorry, or take the blame just to clear the air.
It hit me today that it has been like this the entire time we have been together. I genuinely can't remember the last time we laughed together, or had proper fun. We do get time to ourselves without children a reasonable amount, but I always get the feeling he would rather be somewhere else.
Just for a couple of very recent examples -- i'd love to be told that I am being ridiculous and I need to snap out of it!! At least then it might be in my control.
I'm a bit overweight at the moment, and am struggling to find things in my wardrobe that I feel comfortable it. I had an important evening event that I had to go to, and was really nervous about it. I chose a couple of outfits to try on and see which worked. I showed him one or 2 outfit and he shrugged his shoulders and said they were fine, then turned back to his iPad. I tried the others on by myself and chose a different one to wear that I felt happier and more comfortable in. When I came out to leave he snapped at me to say what was the point in showing him an outfit if I was just going to change anyway. I ended up apologising, and feeling like crap for my evening (am very oversensitive!) He never tells me I look good/pretty/lovely.
I recently got promoted at work, I was actually the only one that was eligible to go for it so not a huge surprise that I got it. I was still really chuffed and proud of myself though. When I told him he did say congratulations. Ever since though, whenever I've told anyone about it, he always follows it with comment like 'easy when you didn't have any competition hey!' always in a jokey manner so then gets pissed off if I get upset by it (oversensitive again!)
Last one! We live overseas and his mother came over to visit for 2 weeks. He wanted to use the opportunity to go away for a weekend without the kids (over a 4 hour train ride away) I explained that I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving his mum with them the first time she visited us as the kids hadn't seen her for nearly 2 years. She doesn't speak the language, and it is quite hard getting out and about on public transport (no car, crazy city!) so she would have been stuck in the apartment the whole time we were gone. I suggested instead that we stayed in one of the numerous fancy hotels within a short taxi ride away for a night, so that way we could have a nice evening, but be nearby in case his mum needed us. He refused. (As it turned out his mum was terrified about the idea of being left with the kids on her own even for a night!!) Ever since (this was about 6 months ago) though he has ignored any suggestion of evening outs/dates/trips that I have suggested. It is like as I refused that one time, he is just not interested anymore.
Am I just too emotional?! oversensitive? Now i've started typing I am thinking of lots of other examples over the last few years!!
Sorry for the mammoth post if you got this far!
He sounds awful. You sent over sensitive he has just told you thAt. Reminds me v much of exh
From your examples, no, you're not oversensitive or overly emotional.
It's him, not you.
I do t think that's the reply you want, sorry.
If it's been like this for years and he continually blames you then I think you need to think long and hard about what you're going to do about it.
I don't think you're over-sensitive. He seems to be lacking in sensitivity, & doesn't make any effort to praise/compliment/encourage his wife. That's what a husband is for surely? To be your ally & champion, not to make you feel bad about yourself. It sounds like he's trying to get away with mean behaviour towards you by putting the blame on you for being over-sensitive.
It's positive that he wanted to have a weekend away though - maybe underneath it all he does want things to be good between you.
Can I give you my interpretation of your examples Op?
1 - You didn't put his opinion before yours and he is annoyed because he thinks he is more important than you.
2 - He is jealous / unhappy that you have been promoted and are doing well. He knows if he just says to you 'I don't think you deserve it' he'll show himself to be a bastard so make PA jokes about - designed to put the pressure on YOU not to cause a scene and point out how fucking horrible it is.
3 - Same as point 1 - you didn't put his opinion before yours and you're clearly supposed to.
He is an insecure, manipulative person who feels inadequate and is trying to push you down to make himself feel better. Telling you that you're over sensitive basically means that he is going to behave how he likes and if you don't like it, your feelings are invalid and can be easily discounted because you are an over sensitive / emotional woman.
Just to show you - when I got promoted (which was a no-brainer, similar circs to yours) DH was very proud, told everyone and took me out to celebrate. That is a normal reaction.
Thank you so much for your responses. It is nice to know that I might possibly not be going as crazy as I think!
Telling you that you're over sensitive basically means that he is going to behave how he likes and if you don't like it, your feelings are invalid and can be easily discounted because you are an over sensitive / emotional woman.
This is EXACTLY what i've been feeling but haven't been able to put into words. I think i've started to truly believe it myself so I don't say half the things I want to say in fear of being dismissed.
I kind of feel damned if I do speak out, damned if I don't. Often I will avoid making a decision as i'm worried that it will turn out to be the wrong decision, but risk annoying him by not being decisive. Usually over ridiculous things like what to have for dinner, or what to do with the kids for the day.
He just doesn't seem to have the empathy gene, i'm sure it is causing him problems at work too, but he just doesn't seem to notice or care what I or others think/feel.
He ignores me all the time, I'll say something/ask a question and I get Zero response. If I repeat it he'll then snap at me for asking him twice.
He'll make decisions in his head about things and not tell me, but then gets annoyed at me for not knowing what is going on.
He spends hours on his computer/ipad in the evenings it is rare we actually have conversations anymore. I've tried saying something about it, but he thinks i'm being ridiculous (and over sensitive!)
I feel so trapped. We are tied into a contract for another year overseas and I can't even begin to think about how complicated it would be.
Thanks for listening, it helps to write it all down!
Do you have family support back home, OP?
Which country are you in - is there a local version of something like Women's Aid that you could call on for emotional support in the meantime?
Also, is he beginning to emotionally abuse your 5 year old?
Don't answer if not helpful to you, just some questions that might be worth you thinking about. If I were in your situation those are the kind of thing I'd be thinking about before deciding whether to wait out the year or not.
Either way, you need to get your ducks in a row. As in, some money in an account only you can access, etc.
Where did you give birth to your babies? Which country, that is.
He reminds me of my teenage boy. I can honestly say those years were some of the most painful of my life.
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