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Unsure about relationship

(42 Posts)
EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 19:45:31

Hi. So I had been in a relationship for 6 months (with a woman, although not sure that matters) and all was going great. I fell in love with her.

About 5 months into the relationship I started having doubts as she would cancel plans last minute, which is fine, but it was always done in a cold, matter of fact way. She would get moody (coincided with period coming up) which I let go.
Eventually, it came to a head over one week when on the Sunday she text me at 7 saying that she wasn't coming up today cos she was tired (she'd been out all afternoon in the pub drinking) she was meant to be here at 7. I told her I wasn't happy. On the Tuesday I went up to hers and she said she was tugging with money so would only be able to come up once a week, I said that's ok, but I would pay if she was struggling. Then on the thurs she came round, all seemed fine, then at around 8 she said she was going home cos it felt weird. I said don't leave, let's talk about it, she said no she was leaving. Anyway, I ended it.
Regretted it the next day, told her I didn't want us to end, that I loved her, she said no she doesn't play games, it's over.

2 weeks later she stayed the night at mine, same again the following Sunday. This weekend, I saw her both sat and Sunday night, she wants us to get back together, I say ok, we are back together. Should be fine, except it's not, she seems cold and moody again (period is due) doesn't make as much of an effort as she used to with calling or texting. Ok, it can take time to get back to normal.

The main issue is, that just before we broke up I found out that she is gambling, using online bingo sites. She also spent £200 on scratch cards which was the last of her wage, I suspect this was a huge contributing factor to our breakup and her moods. Then this Sunday it turns out she gambled her last £350 on fruit machines. She said she's always had a problem with it, it was under control, but it's back.
What do I do? I really love her and it hurts so much the thought of us not being together but is it worth it? I really don't know what to do. She's been so cold and distant this last few days and I'm sure it's because she's feeling down because of the gambling, but I don't want this every month.

My kids love her, and I love her son, they all get on great and if all used to be so so good, but things have changed and I don't know if they will get back to normal again.

Sorry about the long post by the way, thanks for reading this far!

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 19:46:21

Also, everything was absolutely fine this sat night, exactly how it was, warm and loving, until she gambled on Sunday which I imagine what the issue is.

Saltfish Wed 06-Jul-16 19:53:48

I dated a woman like this, blew hot and cold all the time and lost myself in the process because I allowed it. This woman is bad news and love just isn't enough to keep two people together.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 20:17:37

But it's so hard to let go though, it's the good memories that hurt the most sad I don't know what to do, is this just a bad week? Will it be this same bad week every month, I just don't know.
I just remember the good times we had and just feel like crying.
I'm still waiting for her to text me tonight, she used to text every night by half 7 after she were sorted after work, I can't just sit here everyday waiting for her to contact me. Everything seems to have to be on her terms at the moment.
She never takes responsibility for anything that goes wrong either, it's always my fault, no matter what.
I really want to text her, I'm sitting on my hands here, not knowing whether to send a text or not.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 20:20:12

Never mind, she's just text now, but still...

Claraoswald36 Wed 06-Jul-16 20:22:31

I would struggle so much with a parent gambling it's so so irresponsible. That would be my deal breaker otherwise it sounds b hard work

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 20:24:18

Oh I would never decide to move in with her or anything while I know she has a gambling issue

AyeAmarok Wed 06-Jul-16 20:29:40

Your relationship has no future then.

Best to end it now before you get in any deeper.

Sirona Wed 06-Jul-16 20:30:02

She's an addict, I wonder how much of her behaviour is down to her addiction and not her period?

Honestly op I would find this extremely tough. I'm in a newish relationship, anout the same length of time to yourself and still in the honeymoon phase. I don't think it should be as much hard work at this stage.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 20:37:39

Yes I know you're right. I think it does all come down to her addiction as it always coincides with the middle of the month when she starts running out of money.

MatildaTheCat Wed 06-Jul-16 20:37:56

The gambling addiction is another relationship unfortunately. She may not realise it but she has dumped you in favour of her addiction.

Like others have said this is too much like hard work. She sounds like a moody, unpredictable woman at the best of times. Move on and don't imagine you can fix her.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 20:42:12

Doesn't feel like I can move on. It all feels so shit, these last few weeks that we haven't been together have been torture. It does get easier right?

KindDogsTail Wed 06-Jul-16 21:01:14

I think the moods swings are common to addictions. Even though gambling does not seem chemical like drugs and alcohol, it has a chemical effect.
Then it will be being used to dull other feelings underneath that never get dealt with properly.

So she would need to have counselling and treatment for addiction and address any underlying problems at the same time. WIthout that you would not be able to make a success of being together.

Saltfish Wed 06-Jul-16 21:11:59

Welcome to codependency. It's not an addiction to her it's an addiction to the makes you feel alive when she comes back. Believe me I've been there and it is incredibly painful to extract yourself from this situation. And no it wont get better. It will get harder as time goes on. That is, unless she decides to get counseling which doesn't seem likely. Perhaps she has bpd? Push/pull, impulsive, instability...

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:14:48

I just asked her if I'm seeing her Friday, she said no she's working, so I said when can I see you then? She said can we see about Sunday? I don't want to see about Sunday? Either yes or no is fine. I have to end it don't I sad

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:16:02

She won't get counselling, I've suggested it and gambling anonymous. She ended up in care at 7 when her mum died of cancer and then her dad neglected and abused her and her siblings. If she won't get counselling it can't work can it.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:16:29

What's bpd? Off to google...

GreenRut Wed 06-Jul-16 21:20:26

Seriously, 6 months in and all this? Yes you need to end it. In about a month you'll be wondering what it was all about, you'll be grand. She's not exactly making you happy these days is she? Text her back and tell her not to worry about Sunday you'll be busy and BE busy!!

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:21:43

I can't be busy, all my friends are wrapped up in family life and relationships unfortunately. Sad I know.

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:23:06

I think it doesn't help that she has been the first person I've been in love with, so I'm just not equipped to deal with these feelings.

KindDogsTail Wed 06-Jul-16 21:32:03

EnterNicknameHere Wed 06-Jul-16 21:16:02
She won't get counselling, I've suggested it and gambling anonymous. She ended up in care at 7 when her mum died of cancer and then her dad neglected and abused her and her siblings. If she won't get counselling it can't work can it

She will most likely have terrible problems from what you say of her past and she would definitely need help, and even then it would be a long long struggle.

GreenRut Wed 06-Jul-16 21:41:56

Fair enough OP, but you can just say you're busy. She's only going to make you feel more shit about yourself the more you have to do with her and honestly, I know about addiction, you are on a hiding to nothing with this one. Sorry!

foursillybeans Wed 06-Jul-16 21:58:58

Gambling problem. You have children. Hell no. Run a mile. It wasn't even worth jazzing this up to make it easier for you. Gambling destroys lives. You would never live a happy contented life.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Wed 06-Jul-16 22:27:51

I lived with a gambling addict for a year. Looking back I know I wasn't in love with him ,but the social life was amazing; meals out ,spur of the moment days/weekends away etc.
The reality soon kicked in as did his blackmailing.
Get shot of her or else you and your children will suffer for years after the relationship ends.
Gambling addicts are great tricksters; you get caught up in their highs yet reality kicks in when you are expected to step in because the have had " a run of bad luck"
I had to find £1500 to pay staff because my DP?? had been unlucky on the horses.
Fortunately I got it back eventually.
Don't be a bloody fool.

Sirona Wed 06-Jul-16 22:30:05

I often see the 3cs mentioned on here from al anon that deals with families etc of alcoholics. It works for any addiction - you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That all has to come from her own decision to stop. Sorry op, I know it's not what you want to hear but you have dc yourself and really have to put them first, don't drag them into this.

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