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Relationship after mmc (sorry its a bit long)

(7 Posts)
ktt512 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:24:27

Hi guys,

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, but its both relationship and miscarriage related so I didn't know where best to put it. But I think it's more about our relationship dynamics than the mc itself so I put it here, hope that's ok?

So we found out exactly a week ago at our 12 week scan that our baby had died at just over 9 weeks, I had medical management on Saturday which went very smoothly, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more as each day passes. Today has been exceptionally tough, I have cried, I've been angry, I've not made it out of my pj's and I feel like I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for the foreseeable future.

Last night, my OH and I had a fight. He asked me whether I really wanted to have a baby with him (as we were talking about if we were going to try again sooner rather than later) and I was honest, I told him I did and that I loved him, but that I wanted a different experience than the one i'd just had. He already has two children and although he was excited in his own way about the new baby, he didn't show it, didn't show much care or consideration towards me and took the mick out of me when I was down with morning sickness - his favourite term being I acted like I was 'dying of pregnancy'. It ended up in a big row where he accused me of blaming him for everything and I accused him of not giving a shit about the baby, but just going along with it so I didn't leave him. He says that's not true and he wanted to have a baby with me, but I can't shake the feeling that he's not being truthful.

Today he was at work and I am still hiding out in my house, he messaged me to see how I was and somehow we managed to get into an argument again. In the end I wrote him a long message about how hard I was finding it to cope emotionally and that although I logically know that there must have been something very wrong with the baby for it to die, I couldn't quite seem to get past it. During the medical management, I saw the baby, it was unavoidable, and although I was ok at the time, a picture of it keeps floating into my mind, I dream about it, it's literally haunting my thoughts, so I told him about that and how hard I was finding it to get it out of my mind. I told him that I was devastated because I wanted that baby so so much and I was so excited, I'd basically planned out everything and that I had names ready (stupid, rookie error, with it both being so early in the pregnancy and my first).

He replied and told me he had been excited too but he's more practical about it than me and doesn't like to mope around being miserable. And that I need to stop doing that and get on with the future. Valid points, but it's been a week since we found out and less than a week since the miscarriage - how can he think I would be over that already?

Then I was really honest and told him I felt completely alone in this because he's totally fine and he thinks me not being fine is stupid. I told him he's shown no comfort or affection for months, other than on the day of the scan and on the day of the physical miscarriage, past that he barely comes near me.

So having been so honest and him replying that he loves me, blah blah blah, he comes home tonight, says hi but doesn't come near me, goes into the kitchen, goes upstairs, comes down and says 'i'm taking the dogs for a walk', goes out, comes in, sits on the opposite sofa to me and complains that i'm not in bed (I was laying down because i've had a headache all day that I can't seem to get rid of!). Sits in silence for a while looking at something on my laptop, then sods off out on his motorbike. He managed to give me a peck on the lips before he went, but that is literally it.

Does this man hate me? I thought maybe it was just his coping mechanism, but he's like this all the time, I just thought maybe tonight, after everything, he might at least give me a cuddle when he came in? Is that too much to ask? When I come in from a day at work, I cuddle him and give him a kiss and ask him how his day was - I thought that was normal behaviour but am I expecting too much? I feel completely alone in my grief, even if he doesn't approve, surely it wouldn't kill him to attempt to be kind to me? Instead of leaving me alone all day and then all evening too. I don't know what to do.

Puff42 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:40:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never been through anything like this so I don't have great advice.

Could he just be trying to put on a brave face? Even if, he shouldn't be acting so cold and thoughtless to you. A week is nothing in terms of such a huge loss and if anything, your OH should be the person you can turn to. flowers

pocketsaviour Wed 06-Jul-16 18:44:03

I'm so sorry you've been through this OP flowers

I thought maybe it was just his coping mechanism, but he's like this all the time, I just thought maybe tonight, after everything, he might at least give me a cuddle when he came in? Is that too much to ask?

Has he been like this only since the start of the pregnancy, or has he been withdrawn emotionally before that? Do you think that's just how he naturally is - doesn't show much affection, whereas you are much more open and demonstrative? Or do you feel he's withdrawn more than normal because he doesn't want to have to deal with your need for support?

ktt512 Wed 06-Jul-16 19:01:39

I think he's always been like it, he's affectionate on his terms. I think I've just noticed it more since I was pregnant. I have a vomit phobia that I've struggled with for 15 years now and morning sickness was tough to deal with, I felt like I needed his support and all I got was the sense I was inconveniencing him, derision and annoyance that I wasn't 'just getting on with it'

I guess I just don't understand how he can be so dismissive of someone else's feelings at such a horrible time. Especially someone he claims to love. But I don't feel like I can talk to him about it anymore because he thinks I should be moving on and not dwelling on it and that I blame him for everything and am a nag.

ktt512 Wed 06-Jul-16 19:01:40

I think he's always been like it, he's affectionate on his terms. I think I've just noticed it more since I was pregnant. I have a vomit phobia that I've struggled with for 15 years now and morning sickness was tough to deal with, I felt like I needed his support and all I got was the sense I was inconveniencing him, derision and annoyance that I wasn't 'just getting on with it'

I guess I just don't understand how he can be so dismissive of someone else's feelings at such a horrible time. Especially someone he claims to love. But I don't feel like I can talk to him about it anymore because he thinks I should be moving on and not dwelling on it and that I blame him for everything and am a nag.

Thank you both for wading through that essay of mine though!

springydaffs Thu 07-Jul-16 05:51:45

Oh dear. This man is going to hurt you soooo much.

This is who he is. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry your p is a cold fish sad

MakeItRain Thu 07-Jul-16 06:40:23

I had an mmc with similar dates to yours. I found it devastating. It took me months to get past the initial grief. I think your OH's reaction is quite worrying and uncaring. Do you have friends who can support you at the moment? It's a difficult time for you to be reassessing your relationship but you've asked for support and he's just not giving it to you. He doesn't sound right for you at all. flowers for the mmc. It takes time but you will slowly begin to feel better.

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