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My mother

(9 Posts)
DextersMistress Wed 06-Jul-16 13:54:37

Don't know why I'm posting really, I'm just so sick of the rows we have if I dare answer back or stick up for myself.

She's so stuck in her ways. Hasn't worked for 20 years, yet bemoans people 'coming over stealing our jobs'. She's rude, has no friends, flies off the handle over the slightest thing and sulks for days.

I see her once a week when I visit with dc and we speak on the phone every other day. When she's in a good mood we get on brilliantly, but if she's not she's awful. If I say something she doesn't like I'm told to shut up or fuck off. She adores my dc, and them her though, so nc wouldn't be an option.

The latest is over an appointment she has that she wants me to go with her to. I said yes, no problem. It was originally at 9.30am which would give me time to drop dc at school/nursery, go with her (25 min drive) and be back to collect ds at 11.30. DM then changed the appointment to 11. I told her it wasn't ideal for me, but I'd keep ds off nursery that day and bring him along. This was fine with her.

Yesterday, she said it would be better if ds didn't come and could I ask a friend to have him? I said no, sorry. She said or bring him to her house and my db can get up and watch him (db works nights). I said if db was willing to do that could he not go with her instead? She blew up, said forget it, I don't want you there, fuck off.

I know I did nothing wrong. So why am I thinking about asking a friend to have ds so I can take her? I was in tears after the argument, I'm in my 30's ffs sad

SummerRosie321 Wed 06-Jul-16 14:29:18

Heave you ever researched narcissistic parents and see if your mum fits? There's a great support for it on reddit I'll try and post the link for you.

SummerRosie321 Wed 06-Jul-16 14:30:12

//https://m.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists//

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 06-Jul-16 15:24:04

Dexters,

re your comment:-
"I see her once a week when I visit with dc and we speak on the phone every other day. When she's in a good mood we get on brilliantly, but if she's not she's awful. If I say something she doesn't like I'm told to shut up or fuck off. She adores my dc, and them her though, so nc wouldn't be an option".

Its not you, its her. You did not make her this way, her own family of origin have done that lot of damage to her. What if anything do you know of her own family background, that will give you clues.

Presumably she says these things to you in front of your children and at the very least they will pick up on the tensions between you and their grandmother. Your mother is completely inflexible here; its her way or no way. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, why is your mother at all different?.

Of course NC would be an option, its just one that you do not want to invoke at present. Your children do not "adore" her at all, they are more likely to be afraid of her than anything and she certainly does not adore them. You all probably tip toe around her trying to seek her approval as well. You're doing that as an adult re her. If she truly did like them she would not be treating you as their mum with such contempt.

No she does not adore your children; she simply uses them in not too dissimilar ways to how you are and have been used by her. Where are your own boundaries with regards to your mother or has she really encouraged you not to have any?.

They are seeing her behaviours weekly; you need to cut down on both the number of visits and phone calls made as of now. That is a small but significant boundary you can achieve. Its hard as well being the last one left who actually bothers with her (and there are very good reasons why your mother has no friends) but she has you well trained to serve her, you need to sever ties with someone this disordered. Emotionally healthy people do not ever behave like this, she is and will suck you dry emotionally.

I would suggest you read the resources at the start of the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and post on either that thread or the "you cannot communicate with batshit" thread.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 06-Jul-16 15:25:21

She was also not a good parent to you I daresay when growing up if she can behave like this towards you as a grandmother. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic as grandparent figures. She is not a good person for your children to be at all around either.

DextersMistress Wed 06-Jul-16 15:43:55

Thanks for the replies.

Summer I've read through your link and I can't say she fits the description tbh. She is undoubtedly unpleasant at times but not a narc I don't think.

Attila much of your post rings true. However, and at the risk of sounding like I'm defending her which I'm not, she really is good with the dc. A far better grandparent than she was mother. She's kind, patient and affectionate with them, something she never was with me and my brother. Her nastiness is never in front of them, it's usually over the phone.

She's just never wrong. Even if she's proved wrong she'll cut the discussion off with 'oh shut up' and get in a huff. I told her yesterday that she speaks to me like crap, and you're right, I wouldn't allow anyone else to talk to me like that. She just hung up.

Like I said, I'm not sure why I'm posting really, she'll never change.

Dogolphin Wed 06-Jul-16 16:16:58

Could you tell her your phone has broken and only works on speaker. She wont do it if others might hear her!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 06-Jul-16 16:39:45

Dexters,

re your comment:-
"Attila much of your post rings true. However, and at the risk of sounding like I'm defending her which I'm not, she really is good with the dc. A far better grandparent than she was mother. She's kind, patient and affectionate with them, something she never was with me and my brother. Her nastiness is never in front of them, it's usually over the phone"

She is not a good grandmother figure to your children if she is nasty to you over the phone. Also your children pick up on your reactions and any upset following on from these phone calls. You cannot fully protect them from her abuse of you.

She likes your children because they are still very young, malleable and unknowing. There is really nothing to stop her being nasty to them in future particularly as they get older and start answering back or asking questions as to why she is so horrible to you as their mum. She could even now have a favourite grandchild and favour one actively over the other child.

I would keep them as well as your own self well away from this woman. She may well have given birth to you but she like all toxic parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Again I would reiterate it is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

Badbadtromance Wed 06-Jul-16 22:25:19

Op I could have written your post. The only difference is that I was so conditioned I really thought this was normal behaviour. It has taken a year but bit by bit I am distancing myself. Good luck

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