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Someone slap me, I can't move on

(20 Posts)
girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 10:33:14

7 months today since we split up.

I can't get over it, I can't move on. I feel so depressed, and I can't see a future without him in it. (I know, I know, hand me a grip)

We were each other's first love, together at 17 for 14 years. We have three young dc's.

Back story is, we had a really good relationship, happy or so I thought until September last year when he became distant, withdrew from me. No communication, no sex, no general intimacy.
It was awful, he would ignore me. Including at family meals, he wouldn't sleep in the same bed as me.

He wouldn't say what was wrong, just that he wasn't happy but didn't know why. He was snappy with me and the kids.

Eventually in December I asked him to leave to sort himself out, he went to his dad's and strung me along for a couple of months saying he didn't know what he wanted and basically never came back. Saying he didn't miss me.

He refused counselling and refused to attend the doctors.

There isn't anyone else and still isn't. He has his own place now. He regularly sees the children.

I don't know how to move on. I still love him.
I regret asking him to leave and constantly think what ifs.

I don't know how I can be happy without him, family days out just aren't the same. I feel empty inside.

What can I do to get past this?

Mishaps Wed 06-Jul-16 10:48:17

It must be so hard for you as he has been a huge part of your life for a very long time. There is bound be an enormous blank space at the moment.

Do you know what caused him to suddenly distance himself from you? - another woman? - depressed? - unable to cope with the demands of family life? - work problems?

It might help if you could understand what is behind all this. If he suddenly became withdrawn and snappy, depression cannot be ruled out.

If he really has not missed you, then sadly it may simply be that the flame has died. His refusal to try doctor or counselling must be very frustrating for you.

The important thing to remember if he has just lost interest is that it is no reflection on you - you are still who you were and can hold your head up and be yourself. Do not fall into the trap of feeling worthless because he has apparently "rejected" you - you are a grown woman and a Mum and must keep your self-confidence afloat. You are bound to be sad, but you are not defined by him and his presence in your life. You have lots more life to lead and lots to give to your dear children. Stay strong - you are allowed to be sad but must look to the future. flowers

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 10:56:35

Thank you,
No he refuses to say what made him unhappy, he just says he still doesn't know.
I ask him if he's happier now and he says I don't know.

I just feel so shit.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jul-16 11:09:02

Sounds crazy but this is still early days!
You were together for a long time.
As a very very general guide it takes one month per year together to start to get over it!
So you are only half way through your journey right now.
Can you have counselling?
It may help a lot.

The 'What ifs'!!??
Well you would have got more and more resentful.
He would have got more and more angry and withdrawn.
Your children would have suffered.
Your life would have been hell for ever more!
At least this way you get to start again.
Move on and get yourself a new life.
It might not be on your list right now but you will get there.
Give yourself time to grieve.
It's a loss and a massive one.
Don't rush it.
Don't expect to 'just get over it'. It doesn't work like that.

Try to keep yourself busy.
Join a club or a gym.
Meet new people.
Get out and about with friends and family.

WellWhoKnew Wed 06-Jul-16 11:16:06

The period around four to six months after a long relationship is the lowest point. Everyone who was less emotionally connected has adjusted which gives you a sense you should be over it by now. Only you're not.

At this point you're becoming aware that this isn't going to change, there's not much you can do about it: you feel hopeless, helpless and useless.

So you're perfectly "normal" for someone struggling with a LTR breakup.

Knowing this, can you start expecting a little less from yourself now?

All you can do is KOKO a bit at a time. Get some ADs if you want, or counselling, exercise, out of the house, a holiday, a new hobby, anything really to pass the time. The worst thing you can do is spend time focusing on his "breakdown" but I realise that's very easy to type, and not so easy to put into practice.

You do come up again but it takes a while.

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 11:17:53

Thanks all, I just feel like family and friends are getting fed up with me. I don't talk about it all of the time, I'm sure it's just me that thinks like that but I don't really have anyone to analyse with me if you know what I mean.

I'm still really tearful most days.
I feel bogged down, three young dc's is hard work. I'm feeling the strain of being solely responsible and I just want to be comforted by my best friend except he's not here.

It would have been our wedding anniversary next week, so I'm particularly anxious.

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 11:18:06

Thanks all, I just feel like family and friends are getting fed up with me. I don't talk about it all of the time, I'm sure it's just me that thinks like that but I don't really have anyone to analyse with me if you know what I mean.

I'm still really tearful most days.
I feel bogged down, three young dc's is hard work. I'm feeling the strain of being solely responsible and I just want to be comforted by my best friend except he's not here.

It would have been our wedding anniversary next week, so I'm particularly anxious.

Isetan Wed 06-Jul-16 13:11:48

He may of been your best friend but he isn't now, whatever his issues are they aren't yours to fix. He checked out of your marriage before you asked him to leave and as hellsellsmelons posted, your life would be even more miserable if he had stayed.

One day at a time, it's still very early days but you do need prioritise your emotional wellbeing by detaching from him.

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 17:20:05

How do I detach from him?

WellWhoKnew Wed 06-Jul-16 17:29:29

As little contact as humanly possible. As busy life as you can make it. Is the shortest answer that avoids the hideous "time" answer.

Focusing on your self-esteem and yourself. Not spending a fortune on 'self-help' books which have you pondering the mysteries of his mid-life crisis all help too.

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 18:27:09

Thing is, with his job he's often driving in the community so I see him too much.

He turns up at school events and tries talking to me like nothing ever happened and it sends me back to the day he left (he speaks to me like shit over text and emails though)

I feel stuck in a rut of endless moping.

I'm restricted to what hobbies I can do with three young dc's.

I know it sounds like a pity party sad

pocketsaviour Wed 06-Jul-16 18:36:20

I agree with WWK that this time period is particularly challenging. Other people seem to think you should be all over it by now. But the reality is that you are still adjusting and 14 years is a fucking long time! I think if you are coping day to day, the DC are clothed, fed and got to school and that you're managing to co-parent with the fuckwit effectively then you're doing really well and should give yourself a break.

Having the three young ones at home makes things more difficult. Does he do any overnights? If so, could you look for a class or meetup group that meets on that night, just so you can at least get out of the house and meet new people? Or are there any free online classes or groups you could join in the evenings when the DC are in bed? I find sitting in the evenings with nothing to do really fucking depressing so I try to stay away from TV and books in the evenings and do something productive instead. Either something to earn money, like writing freelance articles, or "improving" myself by taking classes.

Minime85 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:52:38

I think the first year of everything is hard. I think it gets easier after all those milestones I think. So first Christmas, anniversaries, birthdays etc. I'm three years now and have a new DP and have moved on. I'll still never be over how he ended things and walked away though. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try and plan small treats and put them on the calendar. Try and plan things for you when dcs are with him. Make most of that time to yourself.

Thinking of you and hope you are feeling more positive soon. flowers

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 18:53:27

Thank you for being kind.

I've never lived alone, I moved from my parents in with dh when we were 19. So I'm struggling with the lonely feeling.

He doesn't have the kids on any set days, just when he's not working. Which changes every ten days, so it's hard to join a club as more often than not I wouldn't be able to go.

I use my babysitting favours when I work, as his work comes first apparently. God forbid he should have childcare problems.

Minime85 Wed 06-Jul-16 18:56:30

I don't have a set routine either as my ex has them on his tests days. But to give me and them some routine I plan out a calendar two months in advance and he has them on those days. That means you can see what time you have. Better for not having so much contact with him too. Is it possible to do something similar?

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 19:28:39

Mini me is your ex in the police?

Yes that sounds like a plan, then I'm not flitting from one day to the next and then often a weekend comes up when I'm not working and he's got the kids and I haven't made plans and that kills me.

I plan to rejoin the gym after the school hols too, so I always have somewhere to go.

Any tips on boosting self esteem, it's such a big thing that he chose to walk away from me and the kids.
Seriously what could have been so bad that it's worth giving your family up for.

That's what hurts the most. It's such rejection.

Minime85 Wed 06-Jul-16 20:21:34

Yes girl he is. Similar story it would seem! I ask for two months shifts in advance and I then plan it out and take photo to send to him. I am accommodating if there are changes but then I have that in my hand if I need to ask for a change. The way it works is roughly 8 sleepovers a month. One weekend a month. I hate the not having a routine but by doing two months in advance I know more where I am. Kids do too.

I re decorated the house a room at a time and did silly things like cut the grass and go up the attic! Things which had been his remit. I loved both! Get a new duvet set. Small things hey. Just be kind to yourself. Enjoy the time to breathe when they go. Go out for coffee or plan to meet a friend for lunch.

girlintheriver Wed 06-Jul-16 21:23:28

I've redecorated the house and it's now up for sale, I need a fresh start I think. Make some new memories.

that's a really good idea about asking for his shifts two months in advance.

We'd been planning in six month blocks but it's very stressful and obviously evolves around his work.

Minime85 Wed 06-Jul-16 21:35:42

Def that's it make new memories. I moved too and that has been a great new start as new home that is ours and kids therefore don't associate with daddy. Me either. And whilst I'm not rude he isn't invited in past door now where as at old house I felt I had no right to stop him not that he barged in or anything but you know what I mean.

I didn't have much money but book a little holiday if you can. My mum came with me to center parcs in summer and the dcs. I put new photos up of me and dcs at key moments, like a new photo of Christmas etc. Time is a huge healer. You will move on. You will want to. I turned a corner after about 9 months and joined a dating site and started divorce proceedings . I needed to be free.

Try and separate yourself from him as much as you can. It's hard when still have to live your life around his bloody job but it gets you down less in time.

girlintheriver Thu 07-Jul-16 16:24:38

Thanks minime, I need to accept its over and stop looking through rose tinted glasses at our relationship

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