Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

so sad & angry

(20 Posts)
hotsweetpotato Wed 06-Jul-16 08:20:07

Think I know what people are going to say, but sometimes u just need to actually hear it to make u act on it.....

For the last 2 years, dh and I have been working to get past his affair. In this time he has done everything I have asked to help me get thru this & move forward with our lives.
However, I am so up & down,
I can go weeks without thinking about things, and then have a few days where I am so crushingly empty, numb, angry and feel nothing for dh.
There doesn't seem to be any real trigger that I can find for this, it's almost like a build up of the good weeks need a bad week,
And this is killing me.
I want to move past this, I want to let myself feel happy & secure, but it's like self sabotage almost....
Only 2 r/life friends know of our situation, and I do sometimes feel like I am living a lie when we go out as a couple, but then everyone has secrets / things that have happened in their marriage that not everyone necessarily knows about.
I think maybe I need some counselling, maybe to offload some of the anger??
But I'm scared that this will show up more issues/ problems that will be more for me to deal with.
Just feel like I'm drowning some days lately and don't know what I'm doing....

Summerlovinf Wed 06-Jul-16 08:36:42

Yes, arrange to see a counsellor. S/he will help you to work through your feelings and decide on your next steps. Keeping it bottled up and hoping it all goes away won't help (as you're finding already). Good luck

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jul-16 08:41:18

2nd the counselling.
Got to be worth a try to help you through this.
Do you have kids together?
Just because 2 years ago you agreed to try doesn't mean you have to keep trying if it isn't working for you.
I didn't take me long to figure out that I'd never get past it.
But it can work out really well for other couples.
Some can come out stronger.
But get yourself some counselling and take it from there.

Pheonix1102 Wed 06-Jul-16 09:19:12

I know cheating is cheating but sometimes I almost believe some are slightly better/ easier to get past than the others depending on how the affair started (intentional online hunting or not), how long it had lasted, the way he treated you and your children if any during the affair, how you have found out etc etc.
Again no justification for any affairs just some more challenging/ impossible to get past for various reasons.
I feel your pain OP. I agree with PP - you don't have to continue to try and make it work if you don't want to or find it too difficult to. Counselling may help you to sort out your feelings and get to talk about it openly and honestly if nothing else. X

hotsweetpotato Wed 06-Jul-16 09:19:47

Thank you,
We do have children,
I know that decisions made in the past can be changed, but I honestly do want to stay married, we both do,
When u get like this dh is so supportive, he hugs me, cries with me & generally feels bad for the fact he caused all this.
I think I am just scared that counselling will make things worse before making them better, I am a very private person and the thought of talking about all of this to a stranger is so daunting,
I just want me back tho..

hotsweetpotato Wed 06-Jul-16 09:24:23

Cliche affair of work colleague, never saw each other out of wirk time, only on business trips over 18minths or so,
Was fine at home, he just always seemed a bit distracted/busy but always good to me & children, just compartmentalised really well,
He has been disgusted with himself since & totally changed his outlook on life etc.
So just feel bad that it's me now that is holding things up in moving on& although he is patient with me now, how long will he be patient for..

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Jul-16 09:28:42

If he loves you and wants it to work he will be patient for as long as it takes.
Seriously, you both want this to work.
You have kids.
You need to move on from this if you want to stay together.
Get some counselling. It can and will help you face your fears and move on.
You have nothing to lose but the life you want! And that's a big loss!

Pheonix1102 Wed 06-Jul-16 09:51:36

OP when my ex had an affair with someone he met on, I almost wished it was with a work colleague on a business trip or some scenarios like that or with a neighbor. I also wished he didn't take it out at me and DS when she was giving him pressure to leave or he hadn't brought her to our house whenever I was away with DS.
from what you have described there are some positive reasons you may be able to get past it although it's not going to be an easy journey. It's more painful to give it a chance than giving up for sure. I have seen friends through an affair and are stronger together.
It can be liberating to talk about it honestly even it's with a stranger.
Best of luck x

hotsweetpotato Wed 06-Jul-16 12:43:44

Thank you both,
Maybe I will spk to GP next week & try to arrange to spk to someone,
I really don't want to feel like this anymore,
I have always been such a strong person, friends come to me with their problems as I can always seem to listen well & give good advice,
Just finding it hard that I can't sort this one out on my own I guess X

fattyfattytoadgirl Wed 06-Jul-16 12:57:02

Counselling, definitely.

I believe it will make a big difference that your DH is doing what you ask to help you come to terms instead of telling you you should get over it. Too many men do that. Your DH obviously knows he's lucky to be getting this chance.

It will take as long as it takes.

Don't feel you are living a lie. As you say, many marriages you see may have battled all sorts that you aren't privy too. When I see elderly couples hand-in-hand, I wonder if they've gone through stuff like this too. Likely some of them have and come out the other side.

I believe counselling will help you get your feelings and thoughts out properly so you can deal with them.

I wish you all the best.

hotsweetpotato Wed 06-Jul-16 19:48:25

Thanks ,
I don't want to lose the life I want for me, dh & children, I do feel we have so much to look forward to if I can just get my head space right.
I also often see old couples walking along holding hands & supporting each other & wonder how their lives went,
I guess no ones lives ever go quite how they imagined they would, I do want to be able to look back 10/20 years from now & know I tried my hardest to give my marriage a chance X

Summerlovinf Wed 06-Jul-16 21:41:54

You could be looking back over several years of happy marriage to someone else in 10/20 years time ...someone who doesn't cheat on you...just saying

hotsweetpotato Thu 07-Jul-16 06:34:21

I realise that, I think that is why this is so tough....
But also, I want to give this a chance, I feel I owe it to my children, and also myself,
I want to look back and know I tried...
Does that make sense?

Malamutes Thu 07-Jul-16 07:31:45

I tried for years to get over DHs indiscretion. Failed. We tried counselling after four years but way too late. Now divorcing. Everything is ok. I know that we both tried but the trust was long gone.

So advice is go to counselling right now, the first one you met might not be right so keep trying. But you deserve happiness and your children deserve to see their parents happy even if they are apart. I have two DS and after the initial shock of divorce and they are both doing well, they see that their dad and I are getting on with life and always putting them first. Plus I had no idea how amazing it would feel not to be married and to no longer re live in my head what he has out me through over past 20 years, I no longer care about that, thank goodness!

devastated2016 Thu 07-Jul-16 07:45:03

O.P, Im just starting out on the journey you are on, its been only a matter of months since I found out my husband was having an affair with a work colleague.

We started counselling quite soon after the reveal, (on my insistence) Im also the strong one that puts everyones problems right if I can so I know how it feels not to be in control of my own life. The counselling does help, it wont take your feelings away but it will give you the tools you need to communicate with each other without the anger taking over.

I hope we can go through this journey and come out of this dark tunnel, if you would like to chat or rant feel free to msg me.

hotsweetpotato Thu 07-Jul-16 09:49:29

Thanks all again flowers
Some good advice here, & some more thinking to do.
I think maybe I'm just scared to let myself relax & be happy as I don't ever want to feel as absolutely floored & empty as I did when I found out about the affair.
Trusting again is a big thing, but I don't think that my problem with trust stops at dh, I think I would struggle now with anyone/any relationship, which is why I need to give this one my best shot,
I've always had trust issues, and so the A just made it so much worse.

I'm so sorry for anyone else going thru this in their relationships right now, it seems all consuming some days & you don't know how u will get to the end of the day,
But you do,
Keep telling myself,
Fake it til you make it, things are so much better than a year ago, just need more time maybe ...X

BarbaraRoberts Thu 07-Jul-16 21:35:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adora1 Fri 08-Jul-16 10:46:27

Just remember OP, he did this to you, you didn't do anything to him or yourself, this is the result of lying and cheating, the fall out, you're the victim I'm afraid, he may well be extremely sorry and want to stay with you, it won't change the fact he has now changed your relationship for ever and can't expect you to trust him 100%, who would?

Just don't be too hard on yourself, your feelings are valid and completely understandable.

hotsweetpotato Fri 08-Jul-16 12:24:23

He knows that the trust has pretty much gone, he understands that and knows that it took 15 yrs to build our relationship, and a second to break it. I think he knows this is the long haul now & wants to help me.
Have booked an appt with GP next week to discuss options, no idea on the counselling services in this area,
Hope everyone has good days today xx

BarbaraRoberts Fri 08-Jul-16 13:25:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now