The nagging wife...

[ludolooby]

I hate being the nagging wife.
I've let a lot of standards slip as a result as I don't want to be constantly nagging at DH to clean up after himself. However, our house is currently on the market and we need to make a quick sale. Naturally, we've had to step things up a gear.
Would the following piss you off?

Within hours of you telling DH that he needs to really make a big effort with being clean and tidy, after spending an entire day cleaning and decluttering the house he does the following:

Gives DS some food and leaves the table and floor covered in milk whilst he goes to play with DS in the other room.

Takes out a colouring activity to do with DH and then goes to the previous room again, leaving all pens and colouring books scattered across the coffee table.

Dresses DS for bed and leaves his dirty clothes on the kitchen worktop.

Leaves his own shoes in the middle of the floor in the lounge.

Leaves DS' toys in the bath after bath time and doesn't tidy them away in the box again.

Puts away the dishes after dinner (I cooked and washed up) but stacks all of the bowls and plates in one pile because he can't be arsed to sort them out and you open the cupboard and get attacked by the precarious tower of dishes. This is after returning from visiting my sick grand-parent straight after dinner. He had also not bothered to get the washing in, so on returning home at 9.30 pm this is the first thing I did!

I'm sure that after speaking to DH about us needing to be a little more house proud, he's actually turned the opposite way within hours. He's usually untidy, but I'm sure he's not this bad? I've dropped my standards a lot since being with DH because I can't stand the sound of my own nagging. He hasn't done his fair share of the cleaning in weeks (he has things he's responsible for and I'm doing it all!)

Anyway, I lost it when the plates tippled over and told DH to get his act together, i got very angry. I then continued pouring some wine for us both when he then declared that HE no longer wanted to be in MY company and took himself off to bed?! Huh?! Is it me or am I the one who should be feeling annoyed here?

I think any other time, I could let these things go or atleast make a few sarcastic comments instead of losing my shit. But we've got house viewings tomorrow and Ive been prearing the house all day... do I need to chill out and stop nagging or is it him?

[ludolooby]

Bumping up

[summerainbow]

I think you need to on the same page .
You are selling a house .you need to talk about who is going to take time of work to do the cleaning if you not going clean as you go along.
When I was selling it lunch time viewing. And Saturdays . So you he can't walk out of house in morning if it not clean. How would that work.

[newworldnow]

TBH I think it's you. In his mind he wanted to play with little one and probably doesn't even notice the bits he's leaving behind. I'd just be glad DS was happy. But then I'm not into things that don't really matter like washing being brought in.
Depends on who works most and allocating a fair share. Seems to me you're just not on the same page re priorities.
Why would you post something so small? Is he bugging you in other areas?

[CodyKing]

No! You could be writing about my DH - why shoes in the middle of the floo? Why hang your coat on the banister afyer youb pass the hooks? Why put ducking crisp packing in bastard cups???? WHY?

Oh and we're not selling - and I'm kot that house proud! !

Get him to do the clean before the next round.

[CodyKing]

It's not small - I day to DH - this is my work and you've capped all over it - I might just pop by his work desk and drop a pile if crap from a great height.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I don't think these things are small and petty, yes it's great that he's playing with DC but someone has to pick up all the stuff he's scattered and someone has to get the washing in or the dew will settle on it/birds crap on it in the morning etc. Why should OP be doing all these 'small' things because dh can't be bothered? Just shows he doesn't care about making extra work for her.

[suspiciousofgoldfish]

Are you married to my husband?!

I'll be watching this thread with interest.

Sorry, I have no advice but I know how you feel.

[schnubbins]

Sounds like my husband and my two teenage sons.They all do exactly all of the above all the time and I don't think it will ever change .

[Toomanycats99]

Sounds like my husband too. He's oblivious. Like I really want yo get up at 5.30 am and clear his crap before I go to work!

[Msqueen33]

I am that nagging wife. My husband thinks as we have a nice house in a nice location actually having it nice means naff all. I know he has a busy job but out of my three kids two have autism so being at home is not a breeze. He also expects praise if he occasionally washes up. His standards have slipped dramatically and aside from working I would start describing him as lazy. He doesn't realise I don't want to nag. Frankly it's boring and pisses me off.

[RedMapleLeaf]

But by the sounds of things you went out and he did the bath and bed routine on his own? You could have said thanks for supporting you in visiting your relative, and let's let the wine breathe whilst you both straighten the house up?

[Lyndsaylou84]

I think you've described most men there. They don't seem to notice mess like us women. I think you were a little bit harsh though, if he's done all that with DS at least he is contributing that way. Are you sure he wants to sell the house could be a way of sabotaging the sale?

[ludolooby]

I'm glad there are other women who feel the same way. I just don't get it. I'm not asking him to join me in a mass clean-up, literally all I'd like him to do is to be tidy as he goes so that we don't have to them have another big tidy up once DS is in bed. Otherwise what was the point in me doing it in the first place? Literally all he needs to do is KEEP it clean and tidy for a couple of days!

It really gets my back up that women have evolved enough to leave the nest and go to work, yet on the whole, men haven't evolved enough to pick up the slack. I hope things change for the future generation.

In response to RedMaple: DH played with DS and did the routine whilst I made dinner and washed up. We ate and I left afterwards to see my grand-parent. DH was able to have a bath and do some reading whilst I was gone. Which he's entitled to after a long day at work of course, but I know that had I not said anything about the mess that was building up at the time DH was with DS, I would have walked in to it all at 9.30 pm. I'd feel better if I nagged and DH then acknowledged his behaviour, but he actually then punishes me by turning on the silent treatment and basically having a little quiet tantrum about it. I find DH more exhausting and difficult to deal with than our toddler to be honest.

[ludolooby]

Why are women supposed to feel 'grateful' that atleast he kept our child occupied? If he did a job at work and left milk all over the floor and table then walked away from it, I'm sure he'd be in trouble for not completing the job properly. Why should it be any different at home?

[DrMorbius]

There are two things at play here nurture and nature.

Nurture: us men as usually mollycoddled by our DM's. I genuinely never made a bed, washed anything (pots or clothes) or put anything away until I got married. My lovely DM did everything. Including cooking something else if I didn't fancy what she had already prepared for dinner.

Nature (this is the weird one) I think we have a disconnected in our logic system. Even to his day (married nearly 30 years) I can find myself putting dishes next to the dish washer, or throwing dirty clothes near the wash basket. I have a corner I like to throw dirty clothes, which means I walk past the wash basket

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm not asking him to join me in a mass clean-up, literally all I'd like him to do is to be tidy as he goes so that we don't have to them have another big tidy up once DS is in bed.

I'm like you, tidy as I go along, but have learned that other people do things differently and my way is only the right way for me not them.

I know that had I not said anything about the mess that was building up at the time DH was with DS, I would have walked in to it all at 9.30 pm.

You don't know that. Why not just say, "DH, I spent hours tidying and cleaning up today for the viewings tomorrow. Would you straighten things up again whilst I'm out so that we can both relax for the rest of the evening?".
I was resistant to this kind of idea in the past (with my sister, my housemates, my DPs etc) because I thought they should, well, just be able to read my mind.

Even to his day (married nearly 30 years) I can find myself putting dishes next to the dish washer, or throwing dirty clothes near the wash basket.

Blimey. Really?

[RedMapleLeaf]

I think we have a disconnected in our logic system.

I'm not aware of any evidence to this.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Yanbu. tidying as you go is a huge part of the job of looking after babies and toddlers. If you just play and feed them and leave a trail of mess it's not really caring for them. My DH is generally good but can be a bit like this especially if he has a lot on. He then gets stressed that the house is messy but can't link the two things. I hate nagging but not as much as I hate the idea of becoming 'the one who tidies'.

[BlackVelvet1]

I think it's not a man vs. woman thing, it's more about priorities. Yes, he could have made more of an effort to tidy up after him, but taking care of kids is a job in itself. DH could say the same thing about me re. cleaning the house but TBH I wouldn't accept it. I'm ragged and the house is a mess but the kids are my priorities, they don't spend endless hours in front of the TV. I do understand that you have special circumstances as you are selling the house but you sound a bit too angry. Also it's not nagging to ask or remind someone if a chore needs to be done. Perhaps he didn't know or remember that the laundry was out?

[RedMapleLeaf]

If you just play and feed them and leave a trail of mess it's not really caring for them.

I often read on here that looking after a child is a full time job in itself and that housework on top of that should be shared between both parents. I.e. that one parent can't come home expecting all of the housework to be done if the other has been doing childcare.

I do not want to come across as minimising the OP's frustration and resentment. I've been there and I just want to share what I have learned.

[ludolooby]

I feel the same whatyouseeiswhatyouget. Not clearing up spilt food is more lazy and unhygienic than messy. I would say that DH would have gotten round to cleaning it but generally EVERY time he feeds DS, I'm having to do the wiping up afterwards whilst he goes off to play with DS. I've found crusty bits of bolognese on the floor days later before now. If we all played all day and never cleared up after ourselves then I guess our houses would be filthy to the point of being a health hazard. I don't think this is acceptable and part of 'caring' for a family, even if it is less fun!

[eddielizzard]

but - you're DOING it. so he hears 'blah blah blah' and then it gets done and he hasn't had to do anything. same thing next time and on and on and on. there is no incentive to change and you get into a negative downward spiral with resentment all round. he hates you nagging, you hate his lazy arsed ways which he'll continue because somehow you've morphed into his mum and he's a spotty wanky teenager.

firstly you have to get him to agree that he will do it. he's got to have buy in.

this house looks like a tip. we need to sell. we will not get as much for it as we could if it looked nice. if we keep it nice we will get more money. i will not take responsibility for the mess you make so if you want that money you have to clean up after yourself. i'm too tired to clean up your mess and i don't see why i should anyway - i did my bit with the house clean.

then you have to make him do it. each and every time. tedious. annoying. horrible. painful even. but keep your eye on the end game. you don't need to be unpleasant. but you MUST NOT DO IT. point it out. oh gosh there are dirty clothes all over the kitchen and milk gunging up the floor. what a shame we've got a viewing tomorrow first thing. their shoes'll stick to the floor and it'll honk of sour milk. oh well, i'm off for my bath now!

let the consequences happen. he has to feel uncomfortable if he is to pull his weight. unfortunately it might mean you'll feel more uncomfortable, but if this means anything to you, hang in there.

[ludolooby]

I like the idea of making him feel uncomfortable and feeling the consequences Eddie. I've taken what you've said on board. Thanks :)

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

The thing is my post wasn't about housework. I have two under two and I'm definitely not cleaning the bathroom or mopping floors while DH is at work. But cleaning up behind yourself is t housework it's just part of whatever activity you were doing. Binning leftover food and putting your plate in the dishwasher is part of having lunch. Clearing away pencils when you're done is part of colouring in. Just like flushing and washing your hands is part of using the toilet. Kids need to learn this as early as possible. It's just showing respect to your home and the people who live there. He is role modelling terrible disrespect here imo.