struggling with everything

[whensitmyturn]

I feel like the last 18 months have been so hard and I'm feeling low more and more after always being a very optimistic/happy person.

I got pregnant unplanned with number 3 then while on Mat leave my car died and became a write off, my baby hardly slept, my childcare for when I returned to work all fell through so dh and I agreed I would be a SAHM ( we would have paid out more I earned and we couldn't afford to do that.) 

3 weeks after handing in my notice to my job I enjoyed I found out dh had been having an affair with a work colleague so after being devastated I was now was in a vulnerable position as regards no income. Dh moved out despite not wanting to and I became a single mother to 3 on benefits.

I've applied and been rejected for jobs, which has knocked my self esteem even lower plus I haven't lost as much weight as I wanted to and just eat pointlessly. I'm struggling with the house, skint and am hardly cooking nutritious meals anymore. 

Dh wants to reunite but because I don't he says that it's me splitting up the family and even though I know it was his fault I feel so selfish that I'm putting my needs before my kids i should be able to put up and shut up. 

I just feel sad or numb a lot of the time, I've got lots of friends but horribly so many of them have also had an unbelievable shit year for different reasons so don't feel like I can burden them with my ongoing sadness. 

I feel better writing it down I feel so weak when I'm struggling and am ashamed of myself.

[KatieKaboom]

You will get through this. I'm so sorry your fuckwit of a husband did this to you. It sounds like he completely blindsided you.

Big and .

[Toocold]

You have nothing to be ashamed of at all! And you are as entitled to have a moan as much as your friends. With a year like that I am not surprised you are low. Your dh is an arse, how dare he make you feel this way, he was having an affair and let you leave your job knowing that and what could potentially happen, only he is in the wrong here, why should you live a half life full of lies, who's to say he wouldn't do it again. I am angry on your behalf. You are showing your children that people deserve respect and that they shouldn't le people walk over them, that is incredibly valuable in life and will serve them well. Things will get better, I promise, this is not your doing but his, when you hit th angry stage you'll feel so much better.

[whensitmyturn]

Thankyou both its nice to read words of encouragement/understanding.
I've been through an angry stages before but just feel hopeless at the moment like whatever I do I'm spoiling the children's chance of growing up well adjusted in a family unit.

[daisydalrymple]

You're not breaking up your marriage, your husband took the risk he was doing that by having an affair. I'm sorry things are so hard and that your friends are also facing difficult times. If you're all good friends, it can sometimes help your own problems by helping others. Try them, you may be surprised that someone else's problems can be a welcome distraction from your own and you can help each other by offering support and a different view point.

I hear you on the lack of sleep, dc3 is 20 months and still hasn't read that chapter. I'm now on anti depressants for anxiety / PND, partly brought on by lack of sleep, but other stuff going on too. I'm just letting the meds do their job whilst I learn to deal with things differently. Obviously only you know if the way you feel is enough to go see your GP about.

It might help you to try and tackle one area of your life at a time, so for example, maybe start with weekly meal plans, do 2 or 3, enough so you can rotate them and not get bored. Simple healthy meals that don't take too much prep. You might find it easier to swap the munching for healthier choices by focusing on what you can eat that's good for you, rather than what you shouldn't eat. Then maybe try and get outside for walks regularly, just build up a little weekly routine of things you can do, park, library, swimming etc. Mostly though, be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. You need to rebuild yourself and look after yourself to feel more positive. And you're absolutely worth having a happy life.

The job will come, but for now, get yourself in a happier place first, then you can look at updating your cv, whether you can update with a few courses etc.

[whensitmyturn]

Thanks daisy I like your ideas I think meal planning is a good one to start with it feels like it could be manageable.
I've started a new fitness hobby I really enjoy but sometimes lack the motivation to go (it's an evening class when I'm done in with the kids) which gets me in a cycle of hating myself.

Going on holiday next week and honestly not looking forward to it which isn't me usually at all.

[daisydalrymple]

I know how you feel, I struggle to motivate myself in the evenings, by the time I'm done with bedtimes it's gone 9pm and apart from a bit of tidying I have no energy then. It's a pain at the toddler stage too, I miss my long brisk walks down the beach- kept me fit and sane (just about!), but now of course dc3 wants to get out of the pram, so we don't get so far!

I hope you do manage to relax and enjoy yourself next week, even if you see it as a chance to start afresh and plan the new you a bit.

[daisydalrymple]

Ps great if you get to your fitness class, but if not just see it as you listening to what your body needs that week - rest! There isn't much of it when we have 3 dcs

[KatieKaboom]

Op, please don't worry about breaking up the family unit hurting your kids. My mum raised us alone after our dad cheated and then absented himself from our lives. We all shone academically and have grown up hard-working and successful and happy. And we LOVE our mum.

Pretty much all my most successful friends were raised by single mums, too, for some reason!

[Greenandmighty]

whensitmyturn, so sorry about what's happened. Have you thought of seeing gp to see if you can access counseling? You've done nothing wrong. It's your dh who cheated. He's to blame. You need support. You'll get through this, but make sure you get support. Good luck xx

[whensitmyturn]

Thanks katie that's good to hear. It just wasn't the life or future I wanted for them.

green I think counselling would help but haven't got enough money to pay.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You sound low and like you are heading towards depression.
Get to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling.
This could help you a lot.

I'm spoiling the children's chance of growing up well adjusted in a family unit
Oh no you are NOT!
HE did this.
HE did all of it.
None of this is your fault.

The way he is behaving and talking is NOT conducive with wanting your forgiveness. Not at all.
He just wants back into the fold so you can do his washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning, etc.....
Don't fall for it.

You do NOT want your DC growing up with an unhappy mother who is settling for a lying cheating scumbag.
You are showing them that people don't have to put up with it.
That's a good thing.
Hold on to that.

[Mellifera]

I'm sorry to hear what a shit year you had. And not surprised you feel so low.
I don't know how little your baby is but I'd keep on applying for jobs, you've been out of your job for a valid reason and just need to keep going.
Having a job would sort some of your immediate worries plus give you back some self esteem.
You did the right thing kicking your H out. You gave your dc the right message, it's just hard when you could get together again and solve a few problems.
Always remember that your happiness and self respect is the most important thing for your children to be happy.
You will solve those problems. Your GP can refer you to counselling, you don't have to pay but you might have to go on a waiting list.
(Counselling is not that expensive though, three sessions could really help you and would set you back £120-140.)
Hobbies in the evening never worked for me until my dc were older, by the time it was 7-8 pm I was ready to collapse.

Try to look after yourself, you're worth it! Eating crap food (to make yourself feel better?) will make you feel crap. You're going through a tough time, treat yourself and your body with compassion.

[Pheonix1102]

OP you are already so amazing raising the children alone and having the courage to kick the cheater out - a cheater who lays the blame on you doesn't deserve another chance and you and DC will deserve so much better.
Is the father sensible enough with the children in practical sense? Just wondering if you could have some time alone with friends or the youngest if needed while he takes up some responsibility. X