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Will it ever get easier?

(9 Posts)
enfru Tue 05-Jul-16 17:12:00

I've posted a few times about my marriage breakdown but quick recap goes- back in late March/early April STBXH started going out a lot- pretty much every night, sometimes straight from work without so much as a word about it, was staying out late, wasn't taking his keys with him which left me in the quandary of staying up waiting for him to get back or locking him out and dealing with the subsequent fall out. I questioned him about this sudden change in behaviour a few times and was told it was merely that there were a lot of "events"close together and that was all.
One night when he'd not taken keys I stayed up and confronted him about it yet again and he told me he no longer loves me or even cares about me and that was why he was going out all the time- because he couldn't stand to be in the same house as me.
Apparently he's felt this way for a number of years but had been pretending to be happy and I was at fault for not realising his true feelings.
I suggested counselling- he said no
he wanted out.
He then refused to leave. He was an absolute dixkhead to me for two months until he finally left 3 weeks ago.
Since then he's barely seen our kids. He picks them up from school 3 days a week and drops them home and that's it. He did come over on Father's Day because our eldest wanted to make him lunch and he has hung around for a bit on a few evenings after the school run- helping himself to food and drink which really winds me up.
The thing is I feel he should be making more of an effort with the kids- they're 8 and 2. He thinks the school runs and a few minutes after is enough, I don't think it's quality time as he's on his phone texting for most of it.
I brought this up with him last night along with the fact that I have all the proof of the existence of another woman I need-several very long late night phone calls to an ex-colleague- which is, I suspect, the real reason behind him leaving and why he doesn't have the time for the kids.
He threatened to call social services on me because I'm clearly crazy and also said he'd smash up my phone the next time he's round if I have anything to do with him on it- I know about the phone calls because I accessed his phone bill online (I'm the registered keeper of the phone account so I wasn't doing anything illegal). He says in mentally unhinged and he worries for the children's safety around me.
I'm not proud of myself for looking at the phone bill, I knew I was being lied to and I needed the proof- now I have it, even with him denying everything still, it's easier to get my head and heart in line.
I just want him to stop being a dick, to see that 10-15 minutes of just being with the kids, not interacting with them, is not good enough.
I know it is him who will lose out in the long run but I don't want my kids too suffer in the meantime.
Just venting a bit- no need to reply!

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 05-Jul-16 18:54:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enfru Tue 05-Jul-16 19:04:24

The thing is he refuses to take the kids out and can't have them at his new place as its a houseshare so no under 16s allowed. This means when he does want to see them he sees them at my house.
I don't want the kids to miss out but I can't stand having him in the house.
He's here tonight so I went upstairs and he's spent most of it trying to pick a fight with me. It's exhausting

Oddsocksgalore Tue 05-Jul-16 19:33:22

Its really his business if he seeing someone.

Stop letting him come into your house. Tell him he has to find somewhere else suitable to take them.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 05-Jul-16 20:13:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enfru Tue 05-Jul-16 22:57:12

thank you, those are useful, implementable rules. I can't ban him from the house because when I go to work he has to come over and look after our eldest til it's time to go to school and in the evenings they get home before me.
I suppose I could say all other contact is to take place elsewhere and he's not to come into the house at any other time.
I would prefer it if I went out or disappeared upstairs and was left alone- I was very much looking forward to a soak with my book tonight!
Just have to wait and see how it goes next time and hope he realises how pathetic he's behaved in the last 24 hours

Kirk123 Tue 05-Jul-16 23:10:53

My kids are adults and after 14 months my ex who was the best dad doesn't really care any more , like you I tried to sort it for kids and ex however now realised I can't fix him and I can't control it and make it better for my kids ( adults ) he has changed not me not them ! Sad but it's not our faults, he won't realise how pathetic he is as its too late now , ow is his addiction now !

TheNaze73 Wed 06-Jul-16 07:30:52

Why are you letting him in the house? That's not right for you or the children, stay firm. As for the OW that's his business not yours

enfru Wed 06-Jul-16 08:55:19

He has to come into the house because he picks them up from nursery/school and they get back before me.
I know the other woman is his business but seeing as he only moved out 3 weeks ago and announced he no longer loved me because of what an ogre I am, for my own peace of mind I wanted to prove he was lying.

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