My children's father's are ruining my life.

[Hunterflower7]

Hi all
Just looking to vent really.
My eldest children's father has pretty much gave up all the contact that he took me to court for. We have a child arrangements order and he has now decided he doesn't want them overnight anymore, Infact he has them once per week for around 5/6 hours. This is whilst I am working, they are preschoolers and I work when they are in nursery, and I get exactly zero break or rest to myself anymore. I take them to nursery, go to work, pick them up from nursery with no time Inbetween.
He says he is justified in this that he pays extra child maintainance now- and extra sum of £17 per week when he has dropped 2/3 overnights. How am I supposed to pay for any kind of childcare with the £17!
I know I am within my rights to take this back to court for an enforcement order, but at the moment I just don't have the money for it, the time off and to arrange childcare, and also my mental health is not great, I have lost motivation and struggle to get through the day with everything on my plate.

I am also pregnant, approaching third trimester which is adding to the exhaustion. This baby's father is a manipulative, conniving and very clever man that was both physically and mentally abusive to me. He continues to emotionally blackmail me, and refuses to cut contact, despite me changing number, coming off all social media- he makes up new email addresses constantly, asks how me and baby are. I try to ignore these but sometimes I cave. He is clever enough to not write anything abusive on the emails, but he will ask me to call him urgently, that's when the threats start.
I am drained. I am emotionally exhausted. Gp refuses to prescribe medication, I have been referred for counselling. I can't see it working, as I have these two idiots in my life now dictating my every move. Life is a struggle, everyday is hard, emotionally, psychically and financially, yet these dickheads are allowed to live their lives as they please, whilst my life is one constant battle. Why is this allowed, life was not meant to be like this for me

[SandyY2K]

How well do you know these men before having children with them?

[EverythingWillBeFine]

That was helpful Sandy NOT

Hunter I'm not the best person to advise but it looks like you are under a lot of pressure. Did you tell your GP how bad you are feeling and that you can't cope with it?

I'm sure there will be some much more knowledgeable people coming to advise but my first reaction is, can you detach as much as possible?
For example, re the father of your unborn child, you don;t have to talk to him at all atm. I wouold really cut contact until the baby is born. Then once the baby is there, he will have the rights to see the baby but uintil then, he has no right to contact you. So use that and avoid him until then.

[Offred]

How well do you know these men before having children with them?

What a stonkingly stupid and unhelpful response!

Op - the only thing I can really advise is to stop driving yourself mad thinking about what could have been and try to refocus on how you can make things better now.

Try not to set up your life so it is reliant on these two unreliable people as much as is possible.

Also get some support from women's aid in dealing with the abuse.

[Hunterflower7]

7 years I was with the first one before our first child was born. I thought I knew him very well.

This baby was a surprise baby but I have also known this 'man' for a long time, 6 years.

Very helpful response thanks

[Vagabond]

What a terrible situation you're in. I'm amazed you manage to get to work at all. Good for you.

I wish I could help you or give you some advice. If it were me, I would consider giving my baby up for adoption (please don't be offended) so you can try to get your life back on track. I just think you having 3 small children under 10 with no real support from the fathers won't give you the best opportunity to create a life that can support your family. Poor you. Really feel for you.

[Hunterflower7]

Everything- thank you for your kind response. Have explained all to gp, she didn't seem too interested, said she would not be comfortable prescribing meds and thought time off work would not be beneficial.

I know I don't have to engage in any contact with him until the birth which is great, I feel fine when he stays away, but as soon as he contacts me I drift straight back into depression. I am worried this will be me for life now.

Reading my op back it sounds terribly whingey and almost like I resent looking after my own children- honestly this is not the case, they truly do give me the strength to carry on, but at the same time they knock the stuffing out of me so to speak.

Offred- thank you. I have previously contacted women's aid, who advised I contact my local domestic violence unit. It probably sounds ridiculous but I just can't find the time or energy. Every minute of the day recently seems to be taken up.

[WhenTheDragonsCame]

SandyY2K what has that got to do with the current situation? It's not like she can go back in time and make a different chose is it!

Hunter I am in a similar situation. My DD1 has a different father to DD2 and DD3. DD1 has only seen her dad once in nearly 10 years and exH saw DD2 and DD3 for a few hours a week but died a few years ago.

It makes me so cross that some parents can just walk away or do the bare minimum without a care in the world leaving the other parent to deal with everything. I am hanging on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth at the moment.

[massivearse]

Theres some proper arseholes about aren't there. Hope things work out for you OP. Try and stay strong

[Hunterflower7]

Vagabond- no offence taken, I have definitely considered all options Available to me. I feel as although my children are young, they are aware of the baby and for it to suddenly not be part of our lives anymore, could be damaging to them. They are very excited, it's probably the main thing keeping us all going right now, knowing we have light at the end of the tunnel.

[HerOtherHalf]

Can I suggest you give the counselling a chance? I was extremely cynical about it myself until I tried it as a very last resort and it changed my life. I obviously can't promise you will have the same success but you might be pleasantly surprised. What have you got to lose?

[Hunterflower7]

Dragons- it's probably the anger and bitterness towards the useless idiotic other parents that gets to me the most. I'm more than capable of parenting and the kids want for nothing, but it's hard and these 'men' make it harder. There really should be some tighter laws and restrictions

[Hurtandconfused2016]

Op do you have any family near you or friends?
Also go see a different doctor in the practice. Or phone up NHS 24 at night and speak the them they have a great depression team that with talk you and help you and maybe even get you to see a doctor that will actually take into consideration everything.
My ex has walked away from our ds (2) and dd (4 months) I currently go through councilling and it has been the most helpful thing ever!
Sending you love

[Hunterflower7]

Herotherhalf- definitely going to give it a go. Will try anything to get out of this rut.

[Hunterflower7]

Hurtandconfused- I have a fab support network of family and friends- but not much in the way of childcare. I don't like to ask either as everyone seems to be busy and preoccupied with their own things.

Will definitely try another gp- although getting an appointment in my practise is like gold dust

So glad counselling is working for you, hopefully I can come back at a later date and say the same

[dingdongdigeridoo]

I don't really have useful advice, but please record phone calls if your ex is being abusive. You may need them as evidence in future.

[HerOtherHalf]

Ask your family for goodness sake woman.Anyone that loves you would jump to help so I'm guessing you're hiding the stress you're under a little too well. Put yourself in their shoes - you're mum and/or dad especially. If you were them wouldn't you want to help if you knew it was needed?

I get the feeling you need to stop being so hard on yourself as well. You've got two preschool kids and a third on the way. You'd be physically and emotionally knackered even if you had support from the father(s). Take any help you can get and don't be too proud to ask for it if you need to.

[smilingeyes11]

I agree Women's Aid and ask them for legal advice/support. Plus Freedom programme for you.

I would also say you cannot force a man to have contact - and tbh if they are both such shits I would be grateful they don't want to see the DC. But that doesn't help you in the fact you need support. I would agree with asking friends and family for back up. And btw if one keeps hounding you via email when you have told them not to then I would also say you have to involve the police. the more you have on record now with police, HV, gP etc the better it will serve you in the future.

[MrsBertBibby]

Orders for contact can't be enforced by the resident parent, if the contact parent doesn't take it up. Only the contact parent can enforce, if he contact isn't happening.

Hope the counselling helps.

[Memoires]

Ask! Just ask! People generally like to be helpful, so give them a chance. Ask your fave in your family if they can commit to whenever the counselling is to do the childcare for you. The more used to being looked after by trusted people your children are, the better: forging links and all that. Knowing their wider family and the family knowing them; same with good friends. The more the better.

[JessicaRabbit3]

I think what sandy meant was if you already had such issues prior with your first ex then why would you not have provisions in place to prevent a third baby that being said its done now. Utilmately you ended up with a very high work load trying to juggle two small children and one on the way whilst working. You sound depressed about the situation. Unfortunately if he doesn't want to have them over night you can't enforce him to.

[niceupthedance]

I'd ask family and friends to help out and give you a break tbh. Can you talk to a health visitor to see if there are any resources they know of? Extra nursery hours? Can't offer any advice re knobhead nrp unfortunately as have one of my own.

[Offred]

We know what sandy meant.

Unfortunately it's that kind of sexist bollocks that reinforces the behaviour of the crappy guys like the ones in OP's life.

Instead of asking how well she knew the guys (completely ignoring that most abuse starts around pregnancy/marriage and many women are taken in before that time) why not ask the guys why they haven't grown up and taken responsibility for their children and their behaviour?

[Offred]

Oh you accidentally got pregnant to someone who has turned out to be a complete dickhead? Well you should have thought about that before you slept with him!

Oh your DC father is messing you around with contact? Why didn't you make sure he wasn't going to turn out to be a dick before you had kids?

Urgh... It's always the woman's job isn't it to police fatherhood... Could never be that men are responsible for their own behaviour towards other people, women are meant to scrutinise their personalities and them and the DC are meant to bear the costs if the scrutiny was not quite good enough or they failed to be psychic and predict how someone would behave after a major life altering life event...

[Numberoneisgone]

There really should be some tighter laws and restrictions

Bloody agree with you OP. Honestly I think men like this are the pure unadulterated scum of the earth. Wish I could be of more help but you definitely deserve better.

[Hunterflower7]

Thank you everyone, I think it's time to admit defeat and ask for more practical help.
I know I can't enforce nrp to have children overnight, but surely he's in breach of the contact order.

I sure wish I had psychic abilities to weed out the dickhead men from the good, but initially of course the relationships were good. My children's father isn't a bad dad in most respects, it's just the lack of want/ need to provide stability to the children and caring for them. There is of course days I feel like saying well actually I want a night off I'm not providing overnight care tonight, but of course I can't do that without jeopardising my parental responsibilities. Non resident parents call the shots and that's what makes it so bitterly unfair