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Keeping things from your OH

(10 Posts)
Happygolucky23 Tue 05-Jul-16 10:09:32

Have been debating for ages about whether to ask for advice and support about this, and as such I want to make clear from the start that I do not want to leave my DH. I love him very much, we are for the most part happy and I want this to work.

Ever since we met DH has kept things from me, when I eventually find out he usually says he was too scared of my reaction to let me know. I think that often it is easier for him to let me find out as that way he can let me react and the row becomes about that and not the fact that he hid it in the first place. It is usually about fairly minor things spending, smoking etc. DH has had many family difficulties and was very unwell for a long time.

However, just after we had DD in the (middle of the above events, but before he had cancer) I became unwell with PND, which I had counselling for. Whilst I was unwell he became distant and started going out more, he became very close to a female colleague. I would like to say here that I know he did not have an affair, but that colleagues at work used to joke about how he felt and that instead of thinking of our marriage he continued until he got a wake up call. Bascially I found out again. He was extremely defensive as he hadn't actually done anything, but I felt it completely betrayed as it was something he had kept from me again. For several years we struggled with this, coming close to seperating and eventually had counselling. Since we went for counselling we have been very happy and I felt reassured. However last week I found out he kept something from me again. Something minor, he started smoking again, but it just makes me feel that he hasn't taken my feelings into account again.

My question is how do we deal with this, I knew he was like this before we married, but equally I went through years of counselling to deal with the anxiety that people were keeping secrets from me. I don't want him to make promises he can't keep, but I don't want to spend my life waiting to find something out and resenting him for that.

TheNaze73 Tue 05-Jul-16 10:29:53

OP, stop making excuses for him. Smoking is not minor, it'd be a deal clincher for me. If he's a 10 a day smoker, that's £35 per week, he's pissing up the wall.
You're far more patient than most, I'd have binned him off a long time ago

Getit Tue 05-Jul-16 10:36:32

My ex kept little things from me
Turned out to be a deceitful cheating arsehole
Watch your back

Happygolucky23 Tue 05-Jul-16 11:19:08

For the most part I'm happy though and he is a great Dad and I love him, but I just don't know what to do. I know I'm going to end up resenting him and I don't want that. But splitting up a family for this seems completely crazy.

Joysmum Tue 05-Jul-16 13:48:50

So in effect he lies because he thinks so little of you that he doesn't trust your reaction

Or

He lies to you because he knows you have every right to be upset but his behaviour is more important to him than your feelings

Which is it?

ImperialBlether Tue 05-Jul-16 13:52:12

I don't get it. I would have known as soon as he had his first cigarette. How long did it take for you to notice?

He behaves like a child and as though you're his mother.

Happygolucky23 Tue 05-Jul-16 16:27:04

Joysmum I think there is a bit of worrying about my reaction, but I have worked very hard on this after we had counselling and have acknowledged that we both came from different backgrounds and that he finds conflict very difficult. I'm just not I can do any more and I am acknowledging that this is his problem not mine.

One of the problems I have is that this happens with many happy months between each incident and so I question whether it is that big a deal myself. It only bothers me and no one else can see the anxiety it causes and I'm not sure how to communicate that without looking like I'm crazy or paranoid all the time. Also I like things to go back to normal, so I'm questioning whether I forgive him too quickly.

Happygolucky23 Tue 05-Jul-16 16:29:08

ImperialBlether I guess your question says a lot he must go to a fair amount of effort to cover it upsad

I do feel like sometimes I am the adult in the relationship...

Happygolucky23 Tue 05-Jul-16 22:12:07

So we've talked tonight and is justifying the smoking by saying that it's no different from him stopping off and getting chocolate on the way home. He feels that if what happened with his colleague hadn't happened this wouldn't be an issue.

AIBU that this is exactly why he should be taking it seriously and not trying to justify it? I have explained that I'm really hurt, but he has confessed he doesn't really get it sad

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 06-Jul-16 08:05:03

You appear yo be tying yourself in knots over this , lots of counselling changing your reactions super analysing your reactions etc

He has changed diddly squat

You are allowed to feel settled for a bit then bam he does it again you must be quietly on edge constantly, he doesn't get cause he doesn't need too. There's not a consequence to his actions
He doesn't respect you at all, yet alone love

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