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Still carrying a flame for past love

(18 Posts)
Oldbutgorgeous55 Tue 05-Jul-16 00:58:14

Its a bit of a cliche really. But I would welcome your thoughts on this situation.

I had a high school sweetheart. We went our different ways in life at 18 when we went to Uni, but kept in touch for another 10 years. We met up once and were more attracted to each other than before, but we did not pursue the relationship.We both married other people. I went to live abroad. We lost touch.
20 years later I looked him up and made contact. His wife had died leaving him as a single parent. He raised his son with the support of her parents, and never remarried. I am still married with two college age children.
Now back in the same country we meet up a couple of times a year.
We usually have lunch or go for a walk. We share a lot of interests. We are good friends, happy and relaxed in each other's company, but the flame still burns. This has been going on for five years now.
We talk, we hold hands, we kiss hello and goodbye. We look at each other but dare not say the things we really want to say. We have deliberately never met at each other's home or at any private place where we might be tempted to sleep together.
This week after a last minute change of plan, we met up and he treated me to dinner. We had a lovely evening. I said "I don't want to spoil our friendship, it's so special", and he said " yes, but the spark is still there isn't it? I was distraught when I thought we might not be able to meet up today." He admitted he feels the same way.
We are both in our 50s now. My husband goes abroad for work a lot and it would be easy to have an affair. This man is kind and gentle and I do not want to hurt him or make life difficult for him. My husband can occasionally be difficult, but he is also a good man And I have never been unfaithful to him. Except in thought.
I Feel I am on the edge of a cliff about to take a step off.
I don't think I can sever the contact with my old flame. But can we realistically maintain a friendly relationship ? Should I take that step over the edge to infidelity ?

Somerville Tue 05-Jul-16 01:03:53

Ummm, yes you have already been unfaithful. I would dump my spouses cheating arse if they pursued an emotional affair for 5 years.

MsMims Tue 05-Jul-16 01:04:55

If you value your marriage, you need to stop seeing this old flame. Meeting up with someone you still have feelings for/ a spark with is already crossing the line.

Somerville Tue 05-Jul-16 01:06:05

Should I take that step over the edge to infidelity?

This is a weird question. And your writing style is flowery yet emotionless.

Oldbutgorgeous55 Tue 05-Jul-16 01:14:17

Never envisaged myself in this sort of situation so that's why I am asking for your thoughts. I have no one to talk to.
Somerville " flowery yet emotionless ? I am trying to stick to the facts here, not writing a novel !

KittensandKnitting Tue 05-Jul-16 01:17:31

You seem to worry about hurting this OM but not your husband of 20 odd years I'm guessing?

Your having an emotional affair with this OM and you should leave your husband if you honestly feel he is the one or even if your contemplating sleeping with him.

KittensandKnitting Tue 05-Jul-16 01:19:15

And agree with sommer and IMO it reads more like a wannabe novel than fact

WickedLazy Tue 05-Jul-16 01:19:54

I think if it's been 5 years, leave your husband, have a think about what you really want, then consider making this a physical relationship. Could you be honest with your h? Tell him you want to persue other people, but respect him too much to cheat on him.

Somerville Tue 05-Jul-16 01:20:38

You've apparently been in the situation for 5 years. That's quite enough time to envisage it. And a very long time to go without talking to someone about it - that'd be the guilty conscience, huh?

I feel very sorry for your husband.

category12 Tue 05-Jul-16 08:08:13

How about ending your marriage and giving it a shot with the chap? Why is the choice have a full blown affair or fidelity?

TheNaze73 Tue 05-Jul-16 08:10:10

Your language is all fluffy and Mills & Boon, yet you are a cheat. If you're going to do it, leave your husband first, show him some respect. You've actively engineered this to happen

SandyY2K Tue 05-Jul-16 08:20:32

It's already an emotional affair and knowing how you felt you should not have reconnected with him.

Your marriage doesn't sound bad at all.

Does your DH know you've been meeting with your Ex? If not the lying and deception is there already.

Ask yourself this - do you have more fear of ending your marriage or never seeing your Ex again?

Depending on your answer you should know which route to take. You can't have them both.

Pearlman Tue 05-Jul-16 08:36:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpettyTree Tue 05-Jul-16 08:45:07

You are having an affair. Stop the flowery language and actually look at what you're doing? Why is infidelity your choice? Leave your dh then persue it. Your poor dh, grow up, you're not in high school now.

SandyY2K Tue 05-Jul-16 11:46:16

*has been going on for five years now.
We talk, we hold hands, we kiss hello and goodbye*

If your DH did this, would you accept it isn't an affair? Just because you haven't slept with him doesn't mean it's not an affair.

TanTanNubuck Tue 05-Jul-16 14:30:23


This reads like yet another of those threads that's been written to 'prove' double standards at MN. Yet again.

If it's genuine, OP you're already cheating. It's an affair. No matter how much you want to pretty it up and pretend it isn't. Lack of PIV doesn't mean it's not an affair.

PeppaAteMySoul Tue 05-Jul-16 14:35:02

You are cheating on your spouse. Emotionally you are there already. You need to consider why you don't have the necessary boundaries in place to have stopped it getting to this point- especially as you don't seem to realise you have already crossed that line. Then you need to speak to your husband.

thingamijig Tue 05-Jul-16 14:47:45

I feel sorry for your husband. Does he know you meet your ex? Does he know you hold hands and kiss? You are already having an affair.
You need to decide who you want. Show the father of your children and the man you have shared most of your life with some respect. Don't cheat on him any more.

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