Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

dating and new relationships when you are 45

(36 Posts)
MaudlinNamechange Mon 04-Jul-16 22:54:36

Please can you share some information about what this is like? Is it as dire as I get the impression? Is there any point?

I am not a looker, overweight and dumpy. I used to be pretty and even sexy when I was younger, but nowadays I know I can't remotely compete. My friends say I am nice and funny, but they would. I do not consider myself at all a catch.

I'm coming to terms with my separation and not remotely ready to get "out there". But when I think about it, for one day, I am torn between two completely different impulses: one to have some fun and be treated well on a night out, have someone go to the bar for me and listen to what I have to say and maybe have a snog or a shag; the other is pretty tragic and unrealistic, which is I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with someone who really had my back. I never have, and I guess I am now having to come to terms with the fact that I never will.

So. Going back to dating, flirting, FWBs I guess. Is it a non starter? Can anyone who is "out there" tell me what it is like?

Thank you!

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jul-16 23:12:43

Tbh, I think you'd be crazy to do that unless you felt very confident, physically. The rejection is bad enough then, but I think you'd take it very personally and just feel awful.

Dungandbother Mon 04-Jul-16 23:15:45

It's not about how you look. I'm a size 10, pretty I suppose. I have no confidence in putting it out there.

Go by how you feel please! And don't take any shit from any morons.

MaudlinNamechange Mon 04-Jul-16 23:18:45

Imperial, what rejection? do you mean crazy to date?

I don't feel remotely ready to do anything, it is true.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Mon 04-Jul-16 23:25:11

You will get some people telling you they met the love of their life at 53. My experience, however, is this.

I separated at 37. After being single for a few months, I did 6 months of OLD. It was a bit of a laugh, I certainly wasn't expecting to get a permanent relationship out of it. I only really went on first dates because i didn't meet anyone worth seeing again. 13 months after I separated, I met a man who lived about 35 miles away and I only saw him every other weekend when my children were with his dad. However, he was still active online. I found out and dumped him. We went out for just under a year.

I didn't date anyone else. I got hit on by my friend's husband, married colleagues and drunk men in the pub.

I decided to give OLD another go. I signed up for a month only. I met a nice and decent man. It was nice to think that I could feel like that about someone and believe that he liked me. Until the cracks showed. And he confessed he'd found it difficult to come to terms with dating an older woman (I turned 40 in the 5 months we were seeing each other and he was 2 years older than me). He was constantly checking out much/ridiculously younger women. I dumped him. Within 4 weeks, he was with a woman who was 30. He's still with her.

I was in contact with a man I'd previously worked with who, upon hearing I was single again, asked me out. I liked him, he seemed a decent chap. I thought, "why not?" it would be a good night out and we were friends and got on well if nothing else. He cancelled a few days before hand because he remembered he was married and it was Not The Done Thing. I had no idea. When I look back to the conversations we'd had about family and what we'd done over Christmas and how we spent our weekends and not once did he mention a wife.

I'm now 41. I've been completely single for 1 year exactly this week. I haven't been approached, asked out, genuinely flirted with or anything for a year.

No one is interested. I can't see it changing anytime soon. It didn't matter up until now because many of the women I know were single and so it didn't feel quite so hopeless. But that's changed and I'm the only one who's single!

I probably sound really miserable and moany. I'm not really. On here is the only place I ever express any of this. I appear bubbly and confident to everyone else. I tell people I'm happy to be single and I'm enjoying it. But I'm not. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend. I wouldn't give up being single for just anyone! But to realise I can say that sort of thing all I like, but it makes no difference because I don't have a choice anyway, is just terribly sad.

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jul-16 23:31:16

OP, I meant what the others have said. You have to have a really thick skin to OLD.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore Mon 04-Jul-16 23:32:36

I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with someone who really had my back. I never have, and I guess I am now having to come to terms with the fact that I never will.

Can completely relate to this.

Kirk123 Mon 04-Jul-16 23:40:40

I am 50 and after 31 yrs now divorced and single , omg its a scary place I have full empathy with you I go from thinkng I will go out ( on a online site ) to thinking I will be alone and lonely forever😢trying to stay positive though as no one likes a moaner !

MadameJosephine Mon 04-Jul-16 23:48:39

I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with someone who really had my back. I never have, and I guess I am now having to come to terms with the fact that I never will.

I'm 45 too, single for a year and could have written this ^^

No advice I'm afraid just wanted you to know you are not alone flowers

Mrsfluff Mon 04-Jul-16 23:52:15

I'm nearly 40 and just coming out of a 20 year relationship. My confidence is rock bottom - if my husband doesn't fancy me, why will anyone else. But, I am lonely and miss having someone in my life who's there for me. Someone to laugh with and flirt with. Some days I feel positive and others I feel sad and frightened that I'll be alone forever. Today is not one of the positive days hmmwink

Mintychoc1 Tue 05-Jul-16 00:10:20

I was single for 10 years after splitting with my ex when I was 38. I wasn't ready to date again, and was genuinely happy on my own with my kids. A few months ago I suddenly felt ready, and gave OLD a go. I only met one man and I've been seeing him for 3 months. It's early days of course, but I'm really enjoying it. And despite feeling like a frumpy middle aged mum beforehand, he's made me feel attractive and sexy again, which I honestly wouldn't have thought was possible!

Somerville Tue 05-Jul-16 00:44:41

I do know plenty of women around my age (39) who have met good blokes, that they're now settling down with, through OLD. Two observations, and probably big generalities.
- they've treated OLD like a numbers game. Dating a lot of men. I imagine this is where the thick skin pp's are mentioning comes in to play.
- They've all ended up with men at least 5 years older than them, if not more like a decade older. Which isn't a problem in itself, of course. But having been widowed once, I'm keen to avoid being with someone much older than me, so wouldn't suit me personally.

I met my chap through work recently. He's 4.5 years younger than me. yes I'm a hypocrite I have encountered a few bitchy comments about why he'd be interested in a slightly older woman with children. But we click, it's as simple as that really. And I know that life can be short and running after happiness while its there, even though that can be risky, is worth it.

UpYerGansey Tue 05-Jul-16 00:45:25

Don't give up. Use this time to invest in yourself - for your own sake, your own self-confidence. Take time to find exercise you enjoy, and go do it. For me it was hot yoga. When you're feeling more body-confident, things like clothes/hair/make-up overhauls are more enjoyable to contemplate
But do it for YOU!!
And then see what happens! Good luck OP, there's happy stories out there too flowers

niceupthedance Tue 05-Jul-16 05:59:59

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster. I was single for seven years and had a baby during that time. When I was 39 I got my shit together and focused on myself and rebuilding my body confidence. Dating was still bloody hard work - the disappointment- but at 42 I did meet someone perfect for me. My tip is spend some time on your self and making sure you feel good before launching yourself on online dating. Then just do short bursts of dates and rest between.

whostolethesocks Tue 05-Jul-16 06:07:07

I'm 52. My marriage ended four years ago. I then met someone else (not online) and was with him for three years but it hasn't worked out (my choice). I've just gone OLD and have met a wonderful man. Really happy!

Ifailed Tue 05-Jul-16 06:14:35

My DP passed away last July, after a series of illnesses over 8 years. As I'm in my 50s I'd long come to the conclusion I would not put myself through all the disappointment and false expectation of every meeting anyone else. It was bad enough in my 20s, before we met; the let downs, the misunderstandings, that feeling of hope before going out for an evening, only for the inevitable single journey home, blaming myself.

I know they are people out there who go on and meet a new partner later on in life, but to be honest I think they are a minority. I look at the few people I know, they are either in long-term relationships or single. None of the later are actively 'dating', and find the idea of OLD so terrifying we'd never contemplate it.

Once accepted, it's not so hard to live alone. I know they are benefits; but there are also the downsides like sharing a bead with someone who farts, someone who doesn't put things away properly, doesn't like to sleep with open windows, thinks watching telly is fun etc etc. The list could be endless.

So, MaudlinNamechange, before putting yourself through all that stress, are you sure it's what you want to do?

Tellmewhyohwhy Tue 05-Jul-16 06:46:16

I say give it a go, why not? Don't pin all your hopes on it but it's worth a try.

I thought I would never go near a man again when I divorced. But I was attracted to the very first man I met online and that has given me hope!

Several years on I find online dating boring and I am a bit jaded by it all but if you're like me and you don't have many single friends or opportunities to go out then it's a good way of meeting someone?

MaudlinNamechange Tue 05-Jul-16 07:53:24

Hi, thank you for all the responses.

Quickly before work: flowers to morning after

Ifailed - I guess that's where my default position is - I am struggling out of the wreckage of a really draining relationship and I don't want to go there again. I just sometimes wonder - only very very recently. and not really about moving some snory man in - more about having some fun. It's been a really hard few years.

Interesting that some assume that dating means OLD as if there is no other way. Maybe there isn't, now!

I agree, now is the not the time for me. I need to move fast in working on myself and my confidence though because I'll probably be seeing ex with a 30 year old soon.

Thank you to each of you who responded, it really helps to hear thoughts from the other side

ButIbeingpoor Tue 05-Jul-16 09:13:56

Hi Maudlin. I agree with your last post, work on yourself. You sounded a bit low in your op especially with regards to your image so improving your self image will give you a confidence boost. I think the first place to start is with your health. Having a good diet and exercising will give you a huge feel good feeling. Beauty is a brilliant knock on effect from that. Little things like a skin care routine or doing your nails all have cumulative impact. I'm speaking from my own experience. I do lots of little things that make me feel good. I might not look any different but I just feel better about myself.
You are a 'catch'. Remember that!

Dowser Tue 05-Jul-16 10:38:38

Imet my husband when aged 56 on pof.

I was a dumpy size 14 too although skin, hair and teeth were all intact lol.

I remember reading a post from an american guy on the forum they have/ had on there.
Never forgot it as I thought it was so sweet. Someone must have started a thread on body confidence and this chap piped up that if he's ever lucky enough to get someone to go to bed with him...he just thinks 'mine all mine'

Now there was more to this post than that but that was the gist of it Meaning that in mid age life canbe lonely on your own and if he gets someone to spend some quality time with him and it progresses to the next stage ...well we all come in all shapes and sizes so a laugh and a bit of fun with someone can be wonderful for that boost to your life.

I know my husband gave me back the confidence that was cruelly wiped away by exh.

We are 8 years older now. We are probably the age of a lot of the parents of a majority of women on here...but there's life in the old dogs yet.

We aren't in the best of health now so it's nice to have someone here who cares . We have each others backs.

Dowser Tue 05-Jul-16 10:39:38

Oh and he thinks I'm I must be!

happyandsingle Tue 05-Jul-16 11:35:56

I'm 37 but hate the idea of going out with someone much older. most men look pretty rough when they head 40+. they go grey balding all the things that I hate. is that all I can hope for if I do online dating.
getting a man a decade older😯

MaudlinNamechange Tue 05-Jul-16 11:56:32

I know, I'm not excited by the thought of a 55 year old man because (and perhaps this is unfair) I find men my own age sexist and entitled enough, I doubt I will immediately have some meeting of minds by a man who was born in 1961 and has a 30 year career behind him. I know they're not all going to be stuffy and sexist but I guess the fact that I'm assuming they will be is just another indicator that my head isn't in the right place for this.

I've been with ex for 11 years and I am roughly 10 years out in terms of men I instinctively feel are my own age - they are all in their mid-30s. I suppose this is because they are the men I was looking at last time I was single. I am not actually seriously considering them - but they're the ones I feel are "like me" but they're not, and I'm old now [sob]

happyandsingle Tue 05-Jul-16 12:07:13

but men seek much younger all the time op so why are we worried about doing the same? I know it's hard but if I don't fancy someone I couldn't have a relationship with them even if they were the nicest person on earth.

FinallyHere Tue 05-Jul-16 15:50:22

Your option to go on a date and have someone really listen to me really struck a chord with me. Maybe I've just been unlucky, but I have noticed that anyone who thinks that they have a chance of going to bed with me will listen enthralled to what i say.

Finding someone who would listen without that incentive, not so easy but its what i look for. All the best.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now