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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What would you do? [sad] & [confused]

34 replies

Rebecca7392 · 04/07/2016 19:18

Hi, hopefully I can keep this short.. Doubt it.
I am feeling really unhappy in my relationship. My husband and I aren't intimate at all, it's been months. I have lost nearly 5 1/2 stone in the past year and get 0 comments or compliments. I feel completely unloved.
There is more to this....
My DH is terrible with money. He bought a new car and put £50k down on it without even discussing it with me. This was money we had for a deposit on a house which looks like it will never happen now. He sold the car at a loss so bye bye house.
He also sticks his head in the sand ALOT. We have had bailiffs round with permission from the courts to come in and sieze goods. We have 2 young children and luckily my parents bailed him out. He never talks to me about anything, he lies saying things are fine at work etc when clearly they aren't. I'm literally at breaking point.
My parents think I should leave with the children before things get so bad than my credit profile is hit (I work in finance) but I love him and he is an amazing dad I just don't like him very much for all the stress and upset he is causing and he never, I mean NEVER admits to being wrong, it's always someone else's fault.
My eldest is nearly 4, do I get out before they are affected?
HELP, please!
I'm fully aware this sounds all about money and quite shallow but it really goes a lot deeper. Communication, affection, attention ....
TIA

OP posts:

Report

StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 19:22

LTB. Nothing good will come of it. Your patents are spot on.

StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 19:23

Parents

Reality · 04/07/2016 19:24

He stole your joint savings. Leave him before he ruins you.

pinkieandperkie · 04/07/2016 19:24

He put 50k down on a car?

Rebecca7392 · 04/07/2016 19:25

It's just so sad. My head says leave and my heart says try and work things out but he just doesn't listen or change. I made my vows to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm heartbroken

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 04/07/2016 19:26

I'm very very sorry for you.

A good Dad does not throw the funds for his children's home away on a car.

Gazelda · 04/07/2016 19:27

Bloody well done on losing 5.5st!
Do you think the Intimacy issue is related to this? I'm not saying there is any good reason why it should be, but wonder if you think it's connected.
But his recklessness with money would be a major issue for me. Possibly a deal breaker. If he sold the car at a loss, how much money is left? How much debt is he in?

Rebecca7392 · 04/07/2016 19:28

Yes pinkieandperkie he also had finance on the rest of it. Disgusting. All to do with keeping up with the joneses. I'd like to add my car is old and I bought it out right - we are so different!

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 04/07/2016 19:28

Oh, OP, please listen to your parents. You need to take the children and get them to a safe place where you are not being stuffed financially and emotionally.

£50k deposit on a car that he then sold at a loss, losing your house deposit, is delusional territory. Fucking delusional.

You are changing yourself and well done. But you can't change him. Seek sanctuary.

Mishaps · 04/07/2016 19:28

Do you know, I think that working things out is just a pipe dream. The sooner you go, the sooner you will get over the hurt and plan a new life for you and the children. You made vows that were based on the assumption that he would behave reasonably - he does not, and that has to be your starting point.

£50k deposit on a car!! - what is going on in his head?!

ButIbeingpoor · 04/07/2016 19:29

Leave.
He isn't a good dad nor a good husband. He is gambling all your futures.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 04/07/2016 19:30

£50k on a car (unless you can afford it) is just madness and I agree with others that without your consent it was stealing.

So, he lies and he steals and never accepts responsibility for his behaviour? LTB, now. He won't change and he'll drag you and your dc down with him.

greenfolder · 04/07/2016 19:30

good god.

why would you stay? your children are blessed with you as a mother and your parents as grandparents.

take them and sort your life out.

P1nkP0ppy · 04/07/2016 19:31

£50k on a car? He must be in LaLa land.
He's completely irrational op, get out asap.

Rebecca7392 · 04/07/2016 19:31

Gazelda I will never know about his debt as he doesn't tell me anything. A lot I would say. I know he owes my parents at least £13k. They didn't want me knowing but it all came out a few months ago.
He had enough to get himself a cheap run around after he sold the stupid car.
I am not being big headed but my weight loss has transformed me. I get lots of compliments all the time from my friends and I now look in the mirror and like (ish) what I see. Everyone says that DH must love it, I'm 1/2 the woman I was it must be like having a new wife. I just nod 😢

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 04/07/2016 19:34

"A good Dad does not throw the funds for his children's home away on a car"

This, with knobs on^^^

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 04/07/2016 19:35

I'm gobsmacked at the house deposit/car thing.

What did he say when you asked him why he spent the house deposit on a car?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 04/07/2016 19:35

He's not a good dad at all! He might be fun at playtime but good parents don't fuck over their children's financial futures.
You can't fix it on your own so stop trying. And yes, the kids will be better off if you split when they are young.

LittleMissBossyBoots · 04/07/2016 19:35

50k on a car? That's more than I've spent if you add all of the cars I've ever own up together. I'm not surprised you want out.

pinkieandperkie · 04/07/2016 19:36

Sorry I can't get past that he put £50k down on a car. Do you mind me asking how much on top of that he had to pay?

Rebecca7392 · 04/07/2016 19:37

I only found out he bought it when The garage left a voicemail on my house phone am heckling on the options he had picked.
I only found out about the £50k recently after hacking into his email.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/07/2016 19:39

I agree with your parents.

He put a 50k deposit down on a car? How much was it in full. Good Lord. He's irresponsible and doesn't have much respect for you if he can do that.

Your parents are spot on girl.

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Reality · 04/07/2016 19:42

How much does he earn? Is he anywhere near the bracket where a £50k+ car would be feasible?

RMG7392 · 04/07/2016 19:42

Thank you. I thought I must sound really insensitive or unjust as it's mainly about money 😘

Reality · 04/07/2016 19:44

It's not just about money. I mean, even if it was you'd wouldn't be unreasonable to leave. But with the other stuf as well, it's not really a marriage, is it? He sounds like a prize cunt.

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