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My life is fucked. Just need a hand.

(10 Posts)
Definitelydrowningthistime Mon 04-Jul-16 16:58:51

Me and DP of over two years have just split. He didn't want to get married, I did, numerous other commitment issues and probably just fundamental differences between us.

It's the right thing.

Except I have two children who adore him. We live in his house - big mistake, I know. My youngest is due to start school and I can't afford to live in the catchment. My brother has offered to have us move in - forty miles away. Too far for my job.

I've got thousands of pounds worth of debt thanks to my stupidity and an ex I loved more than my own financial security.

I'm already on antidepressants and have run out of money for counselling. Work won't tolerate me being off again (I was off last year with mental health.)

I'm keeping it together for my children, but I just want to hide under the duvet. Everything is fucked and it is all my fault. I have a series of failed relationships behind me and my children have different fathers. Today, I feel ashamed of my life and all the bad decisions I've made.

This is more of a rant at myself. I'm not expecting any answers. But thank you sticking with me this far if you have.

Flacidunicorn Mon 04-Jul-16 17:09:53

How is it your "fault"?

Did you convince your EX that he didn't want to get married and you did? did you force the differences between you? Sounds more like it's actually no ones fault particularly.

It also wasn't "Stupid" to move into your partners house, lots of people do it. you weren't to know the relationship would break down. so that's not your fault either is it?

Even the debt you got into, you did it for someone you oved, a bit silly but certainly nothing unusual or new and certainly nothing to batter yourself over.

Bad decisions you've made were likely all made for the right reasons, or at least right at the time of making the decision.

Now think about what you do have. You have a brother nice enough to be trying to help, 2 kids that no doubt you adore and who adore you. You have a job so money coming in at the very least. You have a roof for tonight I assume? so theres no worries there for the immediate future.

Nest is to get practical, get things in motion, contact your creditors, see if they can lower payments if you explain the situation. ask your STBX if he could leave for a while so you can get things sorted for the children. Then you need to do "Entitled To", see if you can claim Housing Benefit, once you know that you can start looking for rentals. Contact your council, sometimes they will even help pay for a deposit, depending on your circumstance.

Make a list, do one thing at a time until it's done.

Good luck, chin up, tis always darkest before the dawn, lots of other clichés that don't really help but are meant well.


BaboonBottom Mon 04-Jul-16 17:13:30

Ok one thing at a time.
The debt, have you had that looked at by anyone? There's a scheme one down from bankruptcy where after a year your debt is written off. You car needs to be worth less than a certain amount. It's called a debt relief order, it could be what's needed?
If not there's iva's and voluntary orders, all could help. Speak to one of the charities step change or pay plan if you haven't already.

Next school, it's better to move now before starting instead of after. I know you've done the induction, prepped your child but doing it now is better. Although you say your youngest? So im assuming there's an eldest already at school?

Thinking about your brothers very kind offer its not workable with work? Can you afford to rent somewhere near to work? If you can't I'd really be thinking about bankruptcy / debt relief order, quitting work and moving to your brothers? Sounds hugely extreme, but if you could get work there it sounds like it has the potential to draw a line and start again somewhere with support.
If works not easy to change or come by obviously that's really shit advice!

You need to work out which way will give you the most support and stability.

fattyfattytoadgirl Mon 04-Jul-16 17:17:04

I don't think there's a person on earth who hasn't kicked themselves over decisions they wish they hadn't made. I know I have loads of regrets! If there is a person who has none, I wish they'd write a book and tell the rest of us how it's done...

Some of the stuff we regret could only be seen clearly with hindsight. Not a damned thing we can do about that stuff.

Take a deep breath and take one thing at a time. You will get through all this and end up in a happier place.

I love FlacidUnicorn's practical advice.


BaboonBottom Mon 04-Jul-16 17:19:17

It's not your fault it's just that you've been dumped a truck load of shit to deal with it's not fair. its really hard to dust yourself down when it's continual and sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.
It's also ok to rant, panic and moan about it - but not for too long as eventually you have to go "right, I need to deal with this". It's not fair, what your ex did with the debt is not fair or your fault, it's ok to be angry about that. But you can't wallow for too long, it's like a cancer it will eat you up. It's taken enough of your time and energy already.

something2say Mon 04-Jul-16 19:05:33

I would add, learn from this when you're on the other side.

I'm alone in life aside from my friends. After each failed relationship I could look back and say, I knew it was wrong in some way. After a while I began to see that I was complicit in the fault being made and I had to learn to do better...because i would suffer. So that's my advice. I think we've been sold a giant lie, that one day a man is going to come along and save us from everything, but it isn't true. Therefore, learn to make better decisions and build a more solid life. Feeling shit and bad is par for the course I think xxx but I do hope you feel better soon xxx that would be a good start, that and some resolve xxxx

Definitelydrowningthistime Mon 04-Jul-16 19:15:02

Thank you everyone, some really unexpected and honest advice here. I think this is what I needed, just some practical, no bullshit help.

My eldest lives with her dad which is why the youngest's schooling is the issue.

I wish I could change job but that is not an option right now. There might be a chance at a transfer in the future.

I earn too much for any kind of benefits so that's out.

Would the bank really change the repayments on a loan? I've never looked into anything like that before. Bankruptcy or IVAs would cause a problem for future renting wouldn't it?

Sorry for all the questions. I've never really been on my own before. I like the advice from you something and you are so right. I put up with more than I should and that is crap.

And I'm giving myself another 24 hours of wallowing. Then I'm slapping myself around the face, having a cold shower and dragging myself back to work. Or something like that. I'm rather weak really and will probably be crying in the toilets by lunch.

MatildaTheCat Mon 04-Jul-16 19:22:25

How messy is the break up? If it is at all possible would your ex help you to find a place locally and help sort out your finances? This would benefit him as he would see more of his child, have her at his preferred school and ensure that she is properly housed.

If that's not going to happen then use your brother for temporary help and figure out a way to make your future more stable and help you avoid repeating situations that haven't ended well.

If you need to move more than once children are remarkably good at change so long as home is a stable and loving place so do try to avoid letting her see you upset and no arguments anywhere near her.

Good luck. flowers

Ticklethosetoes Mon 04-Jul-16 21:16:50

your ex's debt is just one bank loan? That your currently able to pay but won't be able to when you go it alone?
An iva or bankruptcy would be excessive for that unless it gets out of hand with other stuff. As like you say it affects other stuff.
I'd look at;
Taking the loan out over a longer time
Renting the cheapest flat near work and really bust a bollock to pay it back as quick as possible- live on beans type, it's not sustainable for long but if you can see a light it's doable.

I am 40k in debt thanks to my ex, it's bloody crap. But a small price to be out of it. I hate how it effects my kids. Do give step change a call, they might have better ideas as, after all, I'm just a twat on the net!!
Good luck. It's shit, but nothing that can't be sorted.

Definitelydrowningthistime Mon 04-Jul-16 21:46:19

Tickle my debt was £40k too. Must be the magic number!

The big lump is one loan. There's a sort of manageable credit card and a second loan nearly paid up. I've nearly halved the debt in almost three years.

I'll speak to the bank. I'm only going to end up in more debt otherwise. Rent is so expensive around here, it's crippling sad.

Thanks again for all the good advice. I can't tell you how nice it is just to have a bit of direction.

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