Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Full custody - I don't know what to do?

(98 Posts)
KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 10:49:21

Hi everyone, I won't go in the history of what is currently going on with myself and I have another thread if you want to bring yourself up to speed but as the title suggests I am thinking of going for full custody of my biological daughter.

My wife is/was a fantastic mother and I never thought I would be in a position where I question her parenting skills but many people are starting to get concerned and I'm not sure what to do!

I'm completely oblivious to what will be required of me and I know the courts tend to favour the mother but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Does anyone have any knowledge on this subject?

Heirhelp Mon 04-Jul-16 10:56:30

If you think your child is at risk then you should contact social services.

KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 11:00:23

I'm conflicted because I love my wife but I don't think she's well at the moment (not that she would ever admit that).

I don't know If I'm making mountains out of molehills or that there are genuine grounds to be concerned.

GretchenBeckett Mon 04-Jul-16 11:05:31

One of your dd's isn't biologically yours so you wouldn't get custody of her would you?

PotteringAlong Mon 04-Jul-16 11:06:48

You refer to her as your wife. Are you still together? If so, what's the problem. If you have no concerns, what's the problem?

lilybetsy Mon 04-Jul-16 11:08:52

It is not called 'custody' Its called 'residence'; and if you have concerns that you child(ren) are not safe with their mother you should inform SS who will investigate if the threshold for concern is met. Going to court, after an application for residence will take months, if the child(rens) mother is unwell, this is too long. And consider if it is really in the children best interest for them to have no contact with their mother ?????

GretchenBeckett Mon 04-Jul-16 11:17:37

Just read your last thread and there is nothing on there that would suggest you had the remotest reason to apply for full residency.

GretchenBeckett Mon 04-Jul-16 11:19:14

Your main points were

- she split up with you and she seems happy with her decision

- One of you friends said her house smelt bad one time

- She booked a holiday without telling you

KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 11:21:22

Sorry my post is a bit vague let me try and address some holes in my situation.

I have 1 daughter who is biologically mine (5) and a 1 step daughter (11)

Myself and my wife are still legally married but she ended our marriage 10 weeks ago and we are currently living separately with little contact, she has since started acting very erratic.

The children are definitely starting to fall behind my step daughter has had nits for 6-7 weeks, no food in the house and only alcohol in the fridge, bathed once a week, 1 set of school clothes each which are only being washed on the weekend. The list can go on.

Heatherplant Mon 04-Jul-16 11:27:48

If you're living separately with little contact how do you know what's in her fridge? If you have concerns speak to SS but be very sure the source of your information is reliable and not someone putting fuel onto the fire after your split.

Chewits Mon 04-Jul-16 11:27:49

Having been through the court system myself, I would say they won't bat an eyelid at what you've just said. That wouldn't be enough for you them to remove the children from your wife.

Tonis2297 Mon 04-Jul-16 11:28:06

Dear god if that's all really true I'd be straight on SS 'wife' or not you need to make sure your children are fed clean and loved that clearly isn't happening here and could seriously damage them emotionally if not physicall sad

Tonis2297 Mon 04-Jul-16 11:30:12

Might I add when I split up with ex dp I had serious postnatal depression , which the split made worse (I didn't get help when I needed it ) SS came round and told me to clean up and sort it out before something happened (which I did) could your ex wife maybe have depression? I was very erratic at the time aswell?

LillyMom Mon 04-Jul-16 11:30:44

Maybe she needs help? Maybe the divorce hit her hard? If she has always been a good mother, I think is unfair to take the kids from her. Instead, you could try to go for an agreement between the two of you, where you take care of the kids most of the time while she adjusts to her new reality. Or you could maybe pay someone to stay with her and help with the basics like washing, cleaning and cooking while she focuses on the kids.
The whole situation is too new and I don't think it is fair to go for such dramatic steps before your try to help her to come out of her bad times.

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jul-16 11:32:27

How do you know these things? Have you seen your step daughter's hair? Have you seen their fridge? I'm not being hostile here, just wondering how you know these things.

KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 11:33:31

I know what's in her fridge because I was in the house on Saturday to collect some of my belongings and checked because I was concerned. My sil phoned me this morning regarding the head lice and told me there was hundreds of them.

As I say my W has always been a fantastic mother but right now it seems like the children aren't her main priority

KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 11:36:16

I'll be clear that it's one of the last things I want, every child should have both parents the their lives and I firmly believe that. I made this post to talk it through because I didn't know what else to do

fuzzywuzzy Mon 04-Jul-16 11:41:09

It's nearly the end of the school year, my youngest DC has grown out of one school uniform leaving us with only one for the entire week, I've not bought her a new one school is going to be over in a matter of weeks, so uniform gets washed once a week, unless there's a need and I can wash and dry the uniform mid-week.

If you're concerned can you do morning school runs and buy a second uniform for the girls so they have one to wash and one to wear?

Could you buy groceries? once a month or something if you're worried they're not eating properly.

Could you have girls once a week mid week and get them to bathe/give youngest a bath if it's really affecting you?

How are the children in themselves? If they look happy and healthy just keep an eye on them and stay in contact with your STBXW and arrange a mutually acceptable children's contact arrangement.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 04-Jul-16 11:43:11

My eldest got headlice a few years back she had lots by the time it was noticed, I was devastated and we spent a weekend de-lousing her.

Headlice and school aged children go hand in hand.

niceupthedance Mon 04-Jul-16 11:44:48

What are your current contact arrangements?

trafalgargal Mon 04-Jul-16 11:45:38

If you left ten weeks ago did the children have only one set of school clothes each before you left too ?

If not where have the other four sets gone in just over two months ?

PragmaticWench Mon 04-Jul-16 11:48:40

Have you tried talking with your wife, in person or via email? In a supportive way, not being confrontational?

I know it's all newly happening but good communication with your wife will be vital for your DD welfare and best interests. Perhaps with a mediator?

KyleM Mon 04-Jul-16 11:49:04

Thanks for your posts, I think the first thing I need to do is sit down and have a proper conversation with her and voice all of my concerns. Hopefully she is receptive and takes it on board or I may need to take further action.

The headlice thing concerns me because at the end of May she took a pair of scissors to my eldest hair because was fed up with the headlice and she still has them now.

Greengreenleaf Mon 04-Jul-16 11:49:08

When you say acting eratic how do you mean?

Quite a few men say that and they usually mean 'not like when we were together'. She's allowed to have alcohol in her fridge. Maybe the next day was food shopping day? Nits are a bitch to get rid of sometimes, my lot had them for weeks and I threw everything at them bar a nuclear warhead. Uniform, well how do you know they have one set and she only washes it once a week? And like someone else said its nearly end of term, I wouldn't be buying new stuff now either!

Grumpyoldblonde Mon 04-Jul-16 11:49:16

There was nothing in my fridge on Saturday morning before I did the weekly shop, and I have been battling with nits in my daughters hair for weeks. Can you talk to her before you make possibly life changing decisions, have you thought about you step daughter and those legalities? Was in 10 weeks ago you split? Everything is new and up in the air right now, take a breath.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now