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My life has fallen apart and I cant seem to get out.

(28 Posts)
lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 05:12:37

For the last four years I have been with a man who I believe is abusive. He has been vile to me to the point I have considered ending it all. He has isolated me so much I have no one. My so called best friend has completely cut me out of her life...Im angry with her...to be honest she is using my relationship with him as an excuse as she has done this before when she finds a new friend. But....it hasn't helped, the way my relationship is. My friend thinks I didn't care about her anymore but I was stuck...if I called her in a different room he'd say we were "up to something"..if I called her in the same room he would talk nonstop in the background so I couldn't hear her. I don't think she realises just how much i'm controlled. Maybe because it isn't normal! I have no me time at all...I went for cbt and ended up in tears at the end of every session when the counsellor asked me what I do for me...im not allowed to have any me time. Im not allowed to use my laptop, my phone, read a book. Please tell me what im doing wrong here? If im in the toilet too long, the bath too long he makes me get out. Example, tonight he had a bath and I was downstairs, he texted me asking for a glass of milk. I couldn't reply, I have no credit. I shouted up the stairs id be up soon, he was arsy so I went up to find out why. He shouted at me about the milk despite there being a big bottle of juice beside the bed. So I went back down for the milk not wanting to antagonise him. I came back up with it, he shouted at me again "why you being an arse with me" I said I wasn't, I just brought what he asked for. No, he STILL had to argue with me. It IS PATHETIC...unbelievable probably...and that's where I am...No sane, rational person would believe what im saying, I have no one anymore...I want out...but im not strong enough. I am so tired of being shouted at, but I cant prove a thing. Im only on mumsnet now because he has left in a strop because I couldn't sleep...that's all it takes.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:23:14

Okay, what do you need to get out?

You need a plan.

It will be hard to rebuild your social life while you're still with him.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:25:46

Do you work?

Do you have a car?

Do you have any savings or cash that is just yours?

Any reliable family that can help?

Do you have children?

Could you get out in a hurry? Do you know where your important documents are?

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:30:39

You know, you won't feel stronger while you're there. He's torturing you and it will grind you down. You just have to decide that enough is enough and do it.

You said he's left because you can't sleep; does that mean you don't live together? Whose house is it?

lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 05:32:27

He doesn't live here officially but he is here 24/7 in my house. he treats it like its his own.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:38:14

So do you think an injunction would do it? Or will you need tomorrow to get away?

Controlling/coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence so making a police report is also an option.

lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 05:38:34

I don't have a car, despite lots of lessons I never learnt to drive...im too nervous. Im on Prozac for my nerves and tabs for my epilepsy.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:38:39

*need to move to get away

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:40:36

Well CBT isn't going to help you, given that your big problem currently is his extremely controlling behaviour. Do you know if you have a local domestic violence outreach project? They would help you.

lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 05:45:04

just5, ive had the police out before (someone heard us arguing) and they logged it as "domestic violence"...its not domestic violence...hes never laid a hand on me..but they still informed ss

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:47:15

Verbal abuse or controlling behaviour comes under the umbrella of domestic violence/abuse for policy and legal purposes.

He IS abusing you.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:47:48

And he's committing a crime.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 05:48:27

Informed SS because you have DC?

VioletBam Mon 04-Jul-16 05:56:56

Have you enough money to change the locks? If so, do that as soon as you can...then text him and tell him his stuff is on the step and he can fuck off

Tell the police on the non emergency number that you have asked your partner not to come to your home and because there is a history of abuse, you think he may kick off.

DO IT. Get that nasty bastard out of your life.

lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 05:57:17

The guy from ss visits her at school every week... and none of this is my fault, I love that baby...she's brilliant, up on all her predicted grades, a joy to teach im told...It isn't fair..

hesterton Mon 04-Jul-16 06:07:26

Is your dd his dd too?

lastnightiwenttomanderley Mon 04-Jul-16 06:08:04

It doesn't make any difference to the advice - you need this man out of your life - but is he your DDs father? I'm just trying to establish whether there would be a need for any residual contact.

Just5minswithDacre Mon 04-Jul-16 06:09:49

Do it for her then. Her life will be better with you safe and happy.

lifesucks75 Mon 04-Jul-16 06:14:27

no, hes not the father of either. (Jeremy kyle we come)..I do feel sorry for dd, hes the only dad she's ever known really. He spoils her.

Janecc Mon 04-Jul-16 06:14:43

Oh dear he really does have you where he wants you. This is no life.

Your DD deserves better. Do you really want her growing up angry and confused? Do you really want her to think a relationship with a man is being his servant and slave? The world has changed since we were young and vulnerable teenage girls are easy pickings to be exploited.

You need to do what Violet said. Now.

VioletBam Mon 04-Jul-16 06:17:45

He doesn't "spoil" her. He's damaging her world view with every day he is being awful to you.

When she gets a boyfriend, she will only know twats like him and will search and find one like him.

What are you going to do about him then OP?

Pearlman Mon 04-Jul-16 06:20:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfessorPreciseaBug Mon 04-Jul-16 06:27:46

As said above it is abuse, but as the plod have observed it is not physical violence
You probably need evidence.

If you have a smart phone download an voice memo app.. leave it recording in the top of your bag when he is having a go at you. .

Good luck, there sre a lot of people supporting you.

lastnightiwenttomanderley Mon 04-Jul-16 06:34:35

Also, maybe try giving your friend a call.
She might have cut contact because she couldn't see you in this situation - it doesn't sound like he made it particularly easy for her to be a friend. You never know, when she hears you want help leaving him she might pull out a the stops to help you.

JudyCoolibar Mon 04-Jul-16 07:00:06

Phone Women's Aid, talk to them about getting a court order against him.

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