Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Please someone I'm so sad(18 Posts)
Login / Register
Need some honest advice
Thread: Need some honest advice
If this is your first visit, check out the User Guide. You will have to Register or Login before you can post.
Reply to Thread
Need some honest advice
Soph W(5) said:
Need some honest advice
Ok I've posted before but no longer have access to my computer or email so here we go....
Been with dh 10 yrs married 8, with two kids (6 & 1).
Just after the youngest was born, a new guy started at dh work (it's just him and dh). This guy is young (25) single no kids and lives with his mom.
After a few months the after work pint became a habit. No problem with that. Then his first night out when he rolled in at 630am having walked home for 2 hours from a club, when he'd said he was going to the local pub and back by midnight. I was worried sick. At the same time he'd started treating me badly, nothing major just lack of interest and disrespecting me. He didn't bother with the kids, literally sat on the sofa from home time til bedtime.
He insisted he wasn't bothered about going out but then started going all the time, coming in at midnight and then it became 1am and then 2am etc... Him going out all the time started affecting our marriage but he chose to continue, saying it was his way of getting away from arguments (stupid excuse as it was causing the arguments!) he constantly put this friend before me and the kids, choosing him and listening to him (I saw messages from him saying to ignore me and taking the out of me). The friend had no respect for the fact dh was married with kids.
I told him I wanted a divorce and he told me I'd have to fight for it. He was angry and hurt. We managed to talk things through.
That aside, I asked dh if we could start going out as a couple as we haven't for many years. He said yes but didn't bother to plan anything and made excuses when I did. So it never happened. He forgot our 10 ye anniversary and went out with his friend instead.
All the while telling me he doesn't go out, isn't bothered about going, isn't friends with this guy he's just a work mate, not bothered about his friend etc..
His treatment of me got worse, he didn't seem to care about me or my feelings, we argued a lot, he called me names, ignored me etc.
So I told him I had had enough and wanted a divorce. Fed up of him not doing anything with the kids, how he was with me and his single lad lifestyle. This was in May. He didn't seem to take me seriously and we were still getting along and having sex, not much really changed.
Then we had an argument and he discovered the debt i had been hiding for 5 years.
The debt - 15k - was part house moving expenses which he knew about but seems to have forgotten and part living expenses. We'd gone from 2 incomes to 1, he was earning a lot less when it all started and it was literally overspending on groceries and bills whilst having a child (and then another) to feed. It was wrong of me not to tell him we were struggling and wrong to hide it but I was ashamed and felt like a failure as he worked full time and I was a sahm. A lot was interest etc as well. Once he'd had a pay rise we no longer needed to use any credit but the damage was done and I had to get a debt management plan (he knew about the dmp as he found out at xmas but he thought it was just for my old small student credit cards).
Well he flipped quite rightly. He threatened to go to the police and say all the debt was got behind his back (not true). He was so angry.
Over the next couple of weeks I apologised and tried to explain. I told him I wanted him to now control the finances and give me cash as required. I begged for forgiveness.
He told me he didn't like the person I'd become and things could never go back to how they were. He took the hard drive out of my computer (he said to protect himself?!) and that hurt me as it had all the baby photos on.
He literally ignored me other than to email nasty things to me and tell me to sell the house. He told me that I caused the divorce and want it so I should pay for it or not mention it again because he didn't want be bullying him into filing for it or paying for it. He took his wedding ring off after I snapped at him to (he says he only took it off because I told him to). He now says he's sold it (doubtful but you never know).
We had a week where we were getting along again and he was building a swing in the garden like everything was ok but then we argued over him wanting to be single (he says he doesn't want to be single? But he is if we are split?)
He refuses to leave and says he will stay until the house is sold because he bought it and pays for it, not strictly true as I did work over the years and contribute.
I told him I'm not selling the house. It's in his name but I have registered home rights so he'd have to go to court to sell it and he knows they'd most likely agree I could stay until the kids are 18 (possible as his child support is equal to the mortgage payment)
So now we are at stale mate. The atmosphere is toxic. He ignores me, literally not a word to me. The only time he speaks to me is to make a nasty comment.
He undermines me all the time out of spite, if I say no to the kids he says yes.
To be fair he is starting to do more with the kids,he says he has always been hands on (not at all!) and denies it is him changing. He's still not hands on but he has improved.
I have tried talking to him and apologising begging etc but he blanks me completely. He refuses to discuss the split ir getting back together.
Anyway due to the comments in front of the kids and the atmosphere I told him on Tuesday to leave. I said it didn't have to be permanent but for the kids sake we needed breathing space. I told him he had until Monday to either sit and talk like an adult or leave. He'd just been paid so I told him to keep the 2 grand and pay a deposit and rent on a flat (approx 400-500 each).
He didn't come back from work on weds. It wasn't planned as he didn't take anything with him. He didn't contact me either. He came home on Thursday after work like normal without any explanation.
Left me wondering where he was. He has no family or friends other than the one friend who he apparently hadn't told anything to. Apparently not mentioned any problems or split. He's too tight to pay for a hotel and his van has a tracker so the only place he can park is home, work or his friends because they work together. Did they go out get drunk and pull? Did he sleep in his van? Does he have a girlfriend? Did he meet a woman and sleep there? Did he just chill at his friends? What excuse could he possibly give his friend?
Up until weds he'd not been out for a month, he told me he doesn't go out. Along with now doing more with kids it's like he was making an effort to change though he denied that.
I haven't spoken to him since he got back and he hasn't spoken to me. I try to remove the kids from the atmosphere by going out when I can. We cannot ve in the same room but he's making it hard. On Thursday we were in the kitchen, he comes in so I take the kids in the garden. He then comes into the garden to play with the kids.
Tonight he came into their room and tried to take the baby from me who was screaming because she's ill. Something he never does. It's like he's trying to prove a point that he will see the kids when I'm there which would be OK if he didn't make an atmosphere! I can't go out and leave them with him as he's useless and nothing would get done other than a ruined routine.
Despite not leaving he hasn't given me any money which means the bills were not paid and I've had to feed the kids and put petrol in the car with money from a friend. He won't give me any money which is ok if he leaves but he isn't!!
I feel like I should go ahead and follow through with kicking him out on Monday. If j try to talk him round it just gives him the power and he will just ignore me
I don't know what to do but I'm miserable and it's affecting the kids.
His friend now has a girlfriend which might be why he goes out less now.
Dh refuses to tell me if he loves me or not.
He spoke to me for the first time in days to ask me to take him to hospital on my way out. I did and I then rang him later and he ignored me. Eventually by text he told me he had appendicitis.i asked if they were operating and he said yes. He wouldn't tell me when. I asked to be there and he said no. I asked if he wanted me to bring anything and he sAid no, just to look after the girls.
I had my appendix out a few months ago and all I did was text him and ask about the girls and get him to bring them to see me. He didn't come to my operation because he was too shy to arrange a babysitter as they're all my friends who he doesn't know. So I suspect he thinks if I go to his operation I will rub it in his face that he didn't go to mine.
Or maybe he's not even still at hospital and is having a few days with another woman who knows. He took his keys which is odd given that obviously I drove him. I suspect there's something in his van he doesn't want me to see.
I am heartbroken
He sounds horrid have you got any support around you that can help tougher out of this mess??
Do you want a divorce or are you throwing around the D-bomb in an attempt to scare him back into being a good DH?
If you genuinely want a divorce then you might need to seek some legal advice on your position, particularly in regard to staying together in the same house until it is sold.
You need to sort yourself out financially ASAP!
It is not okay that he is not paying to feed your children. Whether he leaves or not makes no difference to the fact that he is their father and responsible for feeding them!!! I'm really shocked that you can write that bit because it says to me that your self esteem is in the gutter. I want so badly to reach out and give you a proper hug.
IF you were getting divorced (and other wiser mmnetters will be along with the facts) you would start by separating from him - stop doing any household services etc., and apply for benefits as a single parent. You could also apply for child maintenance from him. Given the breakdown in communication, doing this through a third party might be advisable.
Are the bills in his name or yours or joint?
There is a frightening vein of financial abuse running through your story. I think your guilt over your debt is fogging your vision and you're not thinking clearly about his role in that original debt. (And honestly I'm very confused about how he didn't know when at the same time he knew an awful lot???) but even if he's utterly innocent of the first debt, he's forcing you now to borrow food to feed the children and mount up more debt in unpaid bills.
I don't know where to advise you to turn to in a case like this? Hoping wiser heads will be along soon.
But I really feel that addressing the financial problem is crucial and urgent.
Thank tou so much for replying, just knowing I can talk to someone has helped so much.
No I don't want a divorce. I wish I'd never said it. I just wanted him to change. I felt like leaving but as times gone on I realised how much I love him.
Since posting he's text me asking how much money I need for bills and has sent it over. All bills are in my name and come out of my account apart from the mortgage which I hope he's paid.
To be fair I did tell him to keep his money and rent somewhere but obviously he hasn't done that.
I feel very low atm, he's in hospital and doesn't even want me to see him before his op. I was really upset when I had my op and couldn't see him.
I really feel that he doesn't love me anymore, but why doesn't he just tell me if he doesn't? Why refuse to answer?
I do feel so guilty over the debt. It's really made him angry and upset. He thinks I've taken the piss out of him and used him.
At the same time he's not innocent either
I just keep sitting here obsessing. Does he love me? Did he cheat? Has he really sold his ring? Does him saying "look after the girls" mean he loves them not me?
I feel like this time it's gone on so long neither of us can find our way back. He told me things will never go back to how they were but seems to not understand I want better.
I just want to know if there's any hope and he's not giving me any answers. As mean as it sounds, maybe a few days in hospital bored might make him realise what he's missing.
He hasn't asked me to bring the kids to visit or tell them he loves them. Nothing. When I had my op I was telling him to tell them I love them and he brought them to see me.
You had your appendix out a few months ago and now he has appendicitis? Hardly likely. It sounds like there's been something else going on for a while and he wants to put the blame on you for everything rather than admit it. I agree with PP: get your finances and legal situation sorted asap.
He's refusing to answer your questions so that he can keep a hold over you. The only time he spoke to you was when he needed you to take him the hospital otherwise he would still be ignoring you. I would be really tempted to change the locks whilst he is in hospital but I don't think you can do that legally. Not giving you any money to live on is financial abuse. Whatever happened with your debt is ongoing but you have set up an arrangement to pay it back. He is using this as an excuse to have a go at you. Regarding the house you are married so legally it belongs to you both. He can't force you to sell it. I think you need to get some legal advice. It doesn't sound like a nice situation at all he sounds emotionally abusive.
It all sounds a bit of a mess, no wonder you are sad. Have you phoned the hospital to see how he is? Or if he is actually there? Hand holding.
He has genuinely been ill, he had terrible stomach ache and diarrhoea for a week, seemed to get better then got bad again. It was exactly the same as when I had appendicitis
It does seem a bit odd though how he gets it a few months after me! But he genuinely did seem ill???
There is an arrangement to pay all the debt, it will take 5 years though.
He's given me money for the bills now but is back to ignoring me
If he doesn't love me why does he want a hold over me? Surely he'd tell me he doesn't love me? After all he says his mind is made up about splitting
It's a control thing, and maybe he is keeping his options open? Strange that he took his keys though. If he is genuinely in hospital he will be there for a few days which gives you a chance to find out what help you would be entitled to. I would be phoning the hospital to find out which ward he is in,
I don't want this to sound harsh and I really do mean this is the kindest possible way: you need to find your pride and your dignity.
You're begging, and when you're not actually begging you're talking while he ignores you, wondering whether he loves you. Oh pet, this isn't good.
I don't have a crystal ball - maybe he'll come back, turn things around and you'll get a happy ever after. Maybe he'll leave you for some woman he's been stringing along for the last twelve months. Maybe it'll be something in between those two extremes.
You have no control over any of that. But where you can make a difference is in how you act. If you can find it in you to start to lift up your chin, hold your head up and act like a woman who deserves respect, then whatever happens next you will be much much better off than you are now.
Take a look at yourself. You have two children, you are holding a family together in the face of enormous obstacles. The first year of a child's life is tough going and you've been doing great with zero back up and support. While the guy who should have your back is causing you worry and stress.
while you were running up debt to feed your children and pay the bills, he was spending money on drinks and nights out??? You may not have made smart financial decisions. how does he justify drinking his children's heat, roof and food money?
you're at home nurturing and raising children. When he should be at home, helping, giving you a break, enjoying time with his children, planning a life with his wife, he's out drinking and trying to impress some jackass.
Let me tell you what I know about you: you are a woman with two kids who deserves RESPECT for being a good mother, who deserves a partner who SUPPORTS you, does a fair share of parenting, comes home in the evenings to give you a break, cares about his life partner and doesn't put anyone ahead of her.
Just because he treats you like gum on his shoe doesn't mean you have to believe that you are that piece of gum.
I don't like to be unkind but your DH sounds so immature and pathetic, running along trying to impress his loser friend who probably was laughing at him or getting off on the power trip of coming between a married couple. He's obviously got a lot of growing up to do. I'm struggling to see how you think he's worthy of being with someone as capable, constant, responsible and decent as you?
I don't know why he is doing the things he is doing but if he has made his mind up about splitting maybe he is enjoying being in control and having you beg for him to stay. He is treating you really badly. While you are still clinging to the hope of a reconciliation he doesn't have to move out or do anything. He will continue to carry on treating you badly and ignoring you. Please get some legal advise and maybe go to your GP for some counselling. x
Wow thank you for your kind words. It means a lot because even if other people see it I find it hard to see.
You're right, I have no dignity or confidence or anything. I feel like if I act like I don't care it makes it easy for him. But maybe it will empower me?
No we're not having sex anymore, I told him I refuse to be used. Ironically he then said we shouldn't have sex if we've split up but it was him who initiated it!
Appendicitis my eye.
I'd be seeking an urgent solicitor's appt while he's in 'hospital' if I were you
One day Skdon your eyes will be opened to all he has done/is doing to you and you will see it for what it is - abuse. Don't say that he doesn't have to give you any money so he can find a place to live as he hasn't/won't do it. He would rather see you penniless and in debt to your friends and family whilst you try to feed and clothe yourself and your children.
I think it's time you were honest with yourself and with him why should you act as though you don't care to make it easier for him? You have to put yourself and your children first. Can you honestly live like this or in his shadow for the next 18 years?
You made a mistake with credit cards a lot of people do but you have been responsible and set up a payment plan. This may need to be renegotiated if your circumstances change but you know where to get help and advice as you have dealt with that previously.
There are a lot of women who are or who have been in your situation. You will get through this and you will come out much stronger and worldly wise.
Go to the CAB or to see a solicitor if you can afford it - the sooner the better.
I think you really need to sit down and think about what you really want and where you think your relationship/marriage is headed.
Good luck x
How do you run up a 15k debt And hide it for 5 years on 'over spending on groceries and bills'. It sounds like there was issues even before he met this work-friend. You obviously didn't trust him / your relationship enough to discuss finances properly / money worries as a couple.
I know a poster above sounds aghast at your husband for spending money on drinks and nights out while you ' struggle to feed your children'. It doesn't read like that to me. You pretty much said he had no idea how much financial trouble you were in! I've found people who hide their financial troubles is usually because they feel guilty because they know they could have handled it a lot better !
It also sounds like you've Havent been a saint either ! Throwing the divorce card out more than once to get him to 'behave' ... In my eyes that's emotional blackmail, if you have no actual intention of divorce - which it sounds like you didn't. But you should!
He's obviously checked out the marriage already if he's on constant nights out and doesn't listen to you. But it sounds like there's another side to this story. I'd divorce for the sake of both of your happiness / well-being.
It literally was overspending on bills, moving house buying baby stuff etc. I was embarrassed and ashamed at failing and I didn't want to make him upset like he couldn't provide for us.
I text him this morning asking if he wants me to come see him. He said "why" and that's it. I told him I wanted to make sure he's OK but he didn't reply.
They are removing his appendix today, I went to hospital to bring him some stuff but he'd just gone to theatre. The nurse said she'd asked him if he wanted to phone anyone first but he said no. I guess that tells me all I need to know. She said she doesn't know if it's appendicitis (I assume they won't know til they operate)
I know to him it's no big deal but surely he'd want to tell me and the kids he loves us just in case anything happens? When I had mine I rang him just before!
I'm sat here crying, I don't think he loves me anymore and I don't think there's any hope.
He told you to look after the girls, that shows he cares about them.
It's not like he's going in for open-heart surgery, i'm sure he'll be fine.
I don't understand why you would embarrassed or ashamed of getting your family into debt unless you knew there was a way to avoid it? I can't comprehend not speaking to your partner/ the person you're meant to share everything with about a huge thing like finances, because it's not like you accumulated the debt before you got together, it was during your relationship.
It does sound like he's checked out but from what you've stated above - it doesn't sound like a bad thing for either of you. You'll pull through this - plenty of people go through this and come out happier, stronger and find better relationships/ someone they're more compatible with.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.