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Should I have children in a dead marriage?

(43 Posts)
user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:58:18

I will try to be concise.
Had a child aged 22 - abusive relationship - I tried to make it work. We separated when the little one was 4.
I got married age 30 to someone I had known since school. We were a couple for about 3 years before we married. For religious reasons we only moved in together when we got married. We moved to a different area for his job, new school, everything. My daughter was about 7 and after a year she started calling him dad - happy little family.

Husband was born with a serious facial disfigurement. We get a lot of stares, comments, pointing laughing etc. when we go out.

Husband was starting a degree as a mature student when we got married. We decided to wait till he finished for children so it would not be stressful with a newborn and essays, exams at the same time.

Degree finished. All set. Only I find our savings for a deposit have been completely drained. I was scrimping and saving and even took extra cleaning jobs alongside my office job for extra cash.

It turns out that he had been spending it on prostitutes. Apparently, as a teenager with his disfigurement he reckoned he would never find a girlfriend, so he turned to prostitutes. And he says he got addicted, he meant to stop when he got married but he found he couldn't . Fortunately my daughter was with relatives for Easter at the time because I had a mini breakdown. Then my husband started having a heart attack. We called the in laws, ambulance to hospital. It turns out that it wasn't a heart attack, just stress. We all went home, my husband tearfully told them the whole story. They blamed me and I have not seen them or heard from them since. He keeps in touch it seems, but he is very secretive about it.

He went to therapy a few times them said it is too expensive. It has also come out that when we were dating he deliberately made himself seem like my dream guy because he thought no one else would ever marry him. After we got married and realised relationships require work he decided it was too hard and he now, pays the rent and bills, produces dirty washing up and watches the footie.

I am working in a low paid job. I have postgrad qualifications in a saturated industry. Because of family property in my name (long story, but I don't benefit from it or get a penny) I am not entitled to benefits. I can not afford to live alone. My only option is to move back in with my mum in another city but that's a stressful situation in itself and would involve more upheaval for dd. I am stuck in this dead marriage.

We are polite to each other, we go on bike rides as a family, my daughter does not know anything is wrong but I'm sure feels the tension.

I find him repulsive now. It was his character that made me see past his looks. In the past three years you can count one one hand the number of times we have slept together. He says he does not use prostitutes now but who knows.

The thing is my dream has always been for a happy family and children.

My family has early menopause. It is a 1 in a hundred chance I could divorce, meet someone lovely and have kids in the next few years.

Do I have the children I have dreamed of with this man I loathe?

New username for privacy.

HippyPottyMouth Sun 03-Jul-16 18:59:53

No. Don't. If you have children with him you are tied to him forever.

BlueUggs Sun 03-Jul-16 19:00:36

If I were you, I would say absolutely not! On a practical note, have you been checked for STD's?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 03-Jul-16 19:01:13

No. Good God no.

mrsnoon Sun 03-Jul-16 19:01:55

Nope. Run. Life's too short to be miserable, which you clearly are.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 03-Jul-16 19:04:41

My short answer would be "no".

Sorry, I'm sure that's not want you wanted to hear. You have one DD, personally I think you should take her & run! Or better still, throw him out. You both (you & DD) deserve so much better.

Do you want your DD to grow up expecting the same of her own future partners!

user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:05:01

Yes, I have been checked several times and have used protection.

The thing is I am basically saying no more children if it is no children with him. Also the little one is very fond of him. Knowing his character now I never leave her alone with him. I have always tried to keep communication with her open and from when she was a toddler 'no one can touch you in your swimming costume area' , no secrets etc. She is happy and well adjusted and I do not believe any abuse has taken place.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 03-Jul-16 19:06:07

Sorry - should have been a ? not a !

AdoraKiora Sun 03-Jul-16 19:07:51

No. It would be madness. You should be making your exit plan from this vile character.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 03-Jul-16 19:08:12

Why would you think H might be a paedophile?

Using adult prostitutes is low, but doesn't lead to child abuse does it?

user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:11:01

I feel like I am stuck here anyway for at least seven more years till dd finishes school.

We chat, it's like a flatmate situation. I can't afford to move and don't want to turn dd's life upside down for a second time.

I'm thinking it would be like having a sperm donor.

BolshierAryaStark Sun 03-Jul-16 19:11:13

No, it's really not a good idea-amazed you'd even consider it.

MistyMeena Sun 03-Jul-16 19:12:55

In a word, no.

user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:13:12

@ Santa's little helper - I was just preempting any discussion in that direction but also highlighting that I had taken precautions given he is morally bankrupt.

category12 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:14:14

"The thing is I am basically saying no more children if it is no children with him." Bullshit. You may not suffer early menopause. You may find someone. You could look at freezing eggs or sperm donation. You are talking yourself into the trap as much as anything.

Get out. This is no life and you don't even trust him enough not to worry about him being a threat to your dd.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 03-Jul-16 19:15:55

Ah, OK. I just wondered whether you had any cause for suspicion in that regard as you'd mentioned that.

Very glad to hear not.

user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:17:42

I must say I am scared to leave. I'm also from a very conservative background and family and relations have already branded me a whore for not being married when I have dd. Basically if I get divorced now I am cut off from my family. I have seen it happen.

ElspethFlashman Sun 03-Jul-16 19:18:30

Wait, you want to have a kid with a guy who you won't leave your kid alone with????

EveryCloudhasl Sun 03-Jul-16 19:18:32

Christ you need to be leaving this excuse of a man not thinking about having a child with him. The father of my daughter was evil and used prostitutes- luckily for me he is no longer on the scene but I feel so sorry for my daughter to have him as her father. The fact you question your daughters safety with him screams out the fact you need to leave..difficult or not.

user1466937505 Sun 03-Jul-16 19:30:11

@ category 12. I could not afford the egg freezing etc. He has a good job but I am minimum wage. I have already started experiencing menopause symptoms but my doctor said it could also be stress.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 03-Jul-16 20:12:21

Why on earth would you want to have a child with a husband who uses prostitutes? Who spent all of your family savings on whores?

No, no, no, and no.

You deserve better than this. It might be difficult to leave financially but almost certainly not impossible. Leaving doesn't automatically mean you will be turning your daughter's life upside-down. It will be a change for the better, not worse. You portray it in terms of an adventure and she will follow your lead.

Make plans to get out before he corrodes your soul for good

EvansAndThePrince Sun 03-Jul-16 20:19:21

Absolutely not! I know it must be painful to hear. Is adoption/fostering an option? There are so so many options available to you (in general, not just with children) and there is a way to get out of this relationship.

joloho35 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:25:50

Get out. You can be a long term foster carer or adopt if you can't have more children yourself.

GashleyCrumbTiny Sun 03-Jul-16 20:35:57

I know this isn't the point of your post, but I have nothing to afd to what everyone else has already said and can't help thinking: why and how do you have a house in your name you get no benefit from? It sounds as if your family aren't terribly forgiving or supportive, and if it prevents you getting benefits that could help you escape this marriage then you should look at getting shot of it. Or sell it, if it's in your name. I wouldn't be doing any favours for people who called me a whore for having a child without being married.

Sorry you're going through this. You should leave your husband, and consider asperm donor only once you sorted your situation out.

EverythingWillBeFine Sun 03-Jul-16 20:39:19

It wouldn't be like a sperm donor though.
This man would be in your life for the next 20 years.
You would probably feel you have to stay with him even though you despise him. And that means you are in effect deciding to stop livinf g for the next 20 years
You wouldnt be a family either. Not more than you are now (ie flat mates). You would have one more child to look after but no hope at all to ever have a family (you could have that with you, your dd and someone else though)
And then how would it be fur your dd and fur that child? Do you think you will be giving them the best life possible or is it all about you?

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