Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Unhappy Birthday

(40 Posts)
Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:02:47

This maybe a long story....
Before I start today is my birthday, I've always loved birthdays being with my partner and our two teenage children. Not this year though... He told me via text message last week that he was leaving us..bearing in mind we just got back from a family holiday a week previous. It all seemed 'the usual' on holiday no inclination of what was about to happen.
I begged and pleaded with him for us to try and work things out but he wasn't listening his mind was already made up..
He'd already taken some clothes during the day he told the kids whilst we were at school and work, I only realised after he'd actually walked out on us.. It obviously knocked the three of us for six, me in particular - this is a man I've spend almost 20 years with. I actually feel I do not know who he his... Doing this, destroying our lives. Something I have no control over.
How could he do this? We had plans together..
Today has been a particularly crap day, I took the week of work to mourn the loss but today I'm broken, not even so much as a happy birthday text from him - nothing, not a thing.. To say I'm disappointed, an emotional wreck and heartbroken would be an understatement to how I'm actually feeling.. I don't know how to cope with life and going back to work tomorrow is not something I'm looking forward to either.
I've not left the house for a week and the kids, well they appear to be being a lot stronger than I am dealing with the aftermath. I know they are broken inside too, I wish I could fix their pain.. They've seen him a couple of times this week, which is only right, but seemed very subdued after each returning home, they didn't mention anything he said or where they'd been which I guess is them shielding me from more upset..?
I wondered if anybody had some good tips or advice for getting over the trauma and heartbreak I'm / we're going through?
This is my worse birthday EVER..

loobyloo1234 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:06:23

I didn't want to read and run. But Happy Birthday OP flowers I've not been through this as such but all I can say is I bet next years birthday will be a lot happier. The fact he can't even muster a Happy Birthday text shows what a complete bastard he is tbh

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:39:15

Thanks loobyloo, you're right what a complete and utter bastard..
I just wish I'd of seen this coming, maybe then, I could of done something about it.

Highandlow Sun 03-Jul-16 18:41:09

I just want to say happy birthday so sorry this is a bad one for you , you deserve better. Take care .

knitpicker Sun 03-Jul-16 18:47:54

Dear Lost, sorry you had such an awful birthday. It was mine yesterday and though it's no comfort to you, I spent it changing my dads nappies etc etc as stand in carer. You are well rid of your dh if this is how he treats you, 'cherchez la femme'

MidnightVelvetthe5th Sun 03-Jul-16 18:56:26

Happy birthday OP, what a shitty time for you all.

You seem to be waiting for a word from him that he still loves you or that he still cares for you. Stop the begging/pleading & hoping for some sign, as he's made his choice & in all honesty my love, he's gone. He's gone for the greener grass & whether that will prove a mistake or not, only time will tell. It sounds as though he's detached emotionally from you.

You have had a massive shock, allow yourself to grieve as you have not just suddenly lost the man, you have lost the future that you had planned as well & all with no warning. So spend a time coming to terms with it. But then get angry. He has treated you fucking appallingly & presumably will be expecting to call the shots on what he wants to do in the next few months.

When you feel strong enough, get some legal advice about your house & any other joint assets. Don't give him what he wants in the hope he will come back as if he does come back then you will have been his back up plan & you are more than that.

Has he been following the script, has he been saying that he loves you but is not IN love with you etc?

I know it hurts but you are a strong woman & you will get through this, even though it may not seem like it right now wine

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:30:44

Thanks guys and happy birthday for yesterday Knitpicker,
I think I just need to be assured that life does go on as at the moment I can't see a future..
I started to feel angry with him after reading your message Midnight, knowing that he's done this to us, nobody else and youre right he's clearly emotionally detached from anything to do with me, however we were intimate 3 times after he sent the first text, so I don't know, it may just of been me 'throwing' myself at him in the hope he'd change his mind. From that I feel used and betrayed he clearly had already decided to destroy this family. The more I think about the predicament we're in the more I can't see the way out..
I'm starting to feel like he should be punished for doing this to us - I had really cruel thoughts of what to do with some of the belonging he still has here - and wtf are those things still going here anyway - the shared wardrobe is half full of his work suits, underwear still drawer, some aftershave left behind.. Why hasn't he taken everything? I may just bag it up when I feel able to get it out of site.. I know that will upset me massively.
I just feel lost and with having two teenagers being usual teenagers with social media taking over there lives, we just don't speak.. I'm desperate for them to open up and talk to me.. I need their company. But I feel trapped too in this life I haven't chosen that some stone hearted arse has decided for me.
I still can't get over he hasn't even text happy birthday, no card, sweet fa - what a wanker..

OurBlanche Sun 03-Jul-16 20:44:50

OK... they played nice... I won't.

Shut up. Stop the whining. Get a grip...

... bag up his shite, all of it. Put the bags outside, somewhere he can get to without having to bother you, text him and let him know where it is.

... tomorrow, as midnite said, get all you little ducks lined up. Take what is yours, including control over your own life.

If today is your birthday why not make it the first day of the rest of your life. In 12 months you'll look back and smile.

In short, shout "Bollocks to you" and get a wriggle on.

Rosamund1 Sun 03-Jul-16 20:53:55

Happy Birthday. I'm sorry that someone you love turned out to be like that. You have suffered a death. The husband you thought you had no longer exists. In his place is this man. With his voice and walk and smell. The same freckles. Everything. But the man you were married to is buried. Grieve. Heal. Move forward.

Don't destroy his stuff. Bag it up and ask a friend to collect it. If it is stolen on the side of the road you are liable for the value (he assigns) to the items. Don't start drama. Save your energy for building yourself and your children up. Don't be drained by petty squabbles and he said she said.

EasternDailyStress Sun 03-Jul-16 21:16:38

Happy Birthday flowers. I suspect he doesn't know how to act, and probably thought he'd be rubbing salt in the wound if he wished you a "happy" birthday.

I split from my ex and it did take some time to get used to; it's a bereavement process really. But you will get over it, and you will move on and be happy again, even though it doesn't seem like that at the moment. Give it time. Oh and more of these flowers.

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:21:07

Blanche - wow that was a kick up the arse.. and actually I applaud you for that, whilst your words hit me hard, you're exactly right - I need to get a grip, and move on with the rest of my's all about me and my children..

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:22:59

Thanks Eastern..and Rosamund, I think it would be easier if it were a real bereavement at the moment.

OurBlanche Sun 03-Jul-16 21:25:28

smile I'm glad you took it as intended. You are right, it is all about you and your kids now. Nothing you want will change him and, if he did come back, play nice for a while, you'd only resent him anyway.

Grab the opportunity, find the silver lining - or any other cliche you might prefer... smile

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:25:30

Midnight- yes the classic line 'I love you but not in love with you' came from him more than once along with 'we are not a couple, haven't been for years' WTF??

MidnightVelvetthe5th Sun 03-Jul-16 21:33:02

Have you considered that there's another woman who's yet to come out of the woodwork? Don't ask the kids about it as they may know which is why they are not saying anything, or they may not know. Just be prepared wine

I'm glad you are coming out of the 'pick me dance' stage, well done smile I like blanche's bollocks to you, make it your war cry.

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Jul-16 21:33:23

I've been married to a similar twat and I'm going to give you a bollocking, too, sorry!

First of all happy birthday. flowers

Secondly, your children NEED to be talked to. Don't assume that because they're glued to social media they don't need you. Go and talk to them now. Ask them to watch something on TV with you and put a duvet around yourselves and sit on the sofa together. They need you.

Thirdly, if he has got the decency to treat you properly, then he's not going to wish you a happy birthday. He's gone over to twat-land and he'll stay there for a while. So you have to turn the tables on him. Don't be a victim. Don't sleep with him. Don't ask him to return. Bag up his things - get a friend round and do it when the children aren't there. Stick everything in bags and give him a set time to collect them or you'll take it to the tip. Don't do anything like this when the children are anywhere near the house.

Next weekend, buy some paint and decorate your bedroom. His stuff will have gone by then - make it your own place.

In the meantime sort out your finances and make sure he can't empty the bank account. Arrange a meeting with a solicitor. Don't tell the children any of this. They are children and it's their dad; don't confide in them.

Lastly, I hate to say this but I would put money on him having someone else, someone who's giving him the courage to treat you like this.

This is a horrible situation, OP, but you will get through it. Be brave, be strong and talk to us on here to help you get through it.

More flowers for you.

HappyJanuary Sun 03-Jul-16 21:51:26

I could have written your story op and all I can say - although it's a massive cliche - is that it will get better with time.

In my case I discovered an ow. Apparently there almost always is one when a man does this, so prepare yourself for the possibility.

Talk to your children, box up his stuff and see a solicitor.

Show him you are a capable woman not a wet dishrag desperately waiting for him to change his mind. Fake it if necessary, but no begging or pleading please, crying done in private. Be dignified and aloof, no drama, no unnecessary arguments.

He is allowed to want to leave. It hurts like hell, but nobody has to stay married. But he does owe you an explanation and some kindness. He owes you courtesy, manners and fairness. He should step up with the children, and make sure you can cope financially until things are resolved. These are the only things to discuss with him now.

FWIW I'm a year on and am happy. My children appear happy too and have a good relationship with their dad, who visits reliably and supports my parenting decisions. I have a new job and some brilliant friends who were there for me. No relationship is better than a bad one, and you'll survive it I promise.

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 22:03:01

Thanks everyone you're putting things into perspective. I have no proof there is anybody else just a sneaky suspicion or maybe intuition as you're right there maybe somebody else controlling his actions. He goes away on business a lot and about a month ago out over night, I called him in the day he was coming home to be told he's not coming home that night after all, I couldn't speak i just hung up the phone... There was no real explanation other than he decided to stay a second night to go out drinking with the same people again - just typing that makes me think what an idiot I've been - it's clear isn't it.. There IS somebody else. Right this second she's welcome to the arsehole.
I just tried to talk to the kids, they're just not interested in having a conversation - I'll try tomorrow after aaarggghhh work and school. I asked if they wanted to do something this weekend just the three of us which they jumped out - so will get looking this week and planning that to look forwards too, plus it's his birthday next weekend, that'll give him a kick up the arse that we're too busy to fit him. Let's hope 'twat land' is worth it for him - fucking idiot!

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Jul-16 22:31:30

I think if they're teens and gone through a big shock like that they won't want to talk about it immediately, but what I would do is set a time each day when you all do something as a family. Watch a box set together or something similar (let them choose) just for an hour or so every evening - it gives them something to talk about and think about and will help take their mind off their dad and make them realise they still have a strong family unit with you.

Lost74 Sun 03-Jul-16 22:39:31

Great idea Imperial - thank you xx
I'll start that 'bonding' time tomorrow, no phones, iPads etc just us three x

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Jul-16 23:27:47

Yes, it works really well - being teenagers, you have to make it worth their while! So tell them you fancy watching a box set and ask them what they fancy. Bowl of popcorn, hot chocolate, duvet and a couple of episodes and for a while you can all forget the shit. Then they'll go to their rooms but the next night you'll find them ready for the next episode. They want to feel safe, so think of the things that make you feel safe - warmth, closeness, laughter etc. It's the equivalent of wrapping a baby up in a blanket. They are still really young - let's face it, everyone is too young to cope with events like that.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jul-16 09:54:37

I hope you managed to get some sleep and that work is OK for you today.
This is crap.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
You sound much stronger already.
Start to get your information together.
Bank statements
Pay slips
Mortgage paperwork
Insurance etc......
Then get an appointment with a solicitor.
Find out what you are entitled to.

Do you earn well?
Work out what he should be paying you in child maintenance.
Any benefits you might be entitled to.
Get onto the council and get our council tax reduced to single person.
Just keep busy.

Definitely pack up his crap and tell him to come and get it.
He's following the cheaters script to a 'T'
Re-writing history.
Love you - not IN love with you.
All the usual crap.
He'll be guilty as hell to start with and will promise you all sorts regarding finances etc..
This will NOT last!!!
Get legal advice and do it fast.

Sorry you are going through this.
Look after yourself.
flowers for you.

Lost74 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:37:29

OMG work was terrible, I have few close friends there, one in particular made me cry on more than one occasion.. I made it through the day though and things felt quite normal. Now I'm home they don't feel quite so normal.. The reality hit me after I realised he's been in the house and that he's cleared out ALL of his belongings, every single thing...I was talking about the pleasure I was going to get by screwing it up into black sacks earlier and he's even taken that from me.
I listened to some good advice too today which reiterates what you have all been saying.. He earns X3 my salary and I think mine is above the national average so I'm going to screw him for everything he's got... Take the lot from him, we're not actually married so planning on getting advice from the CAB for that. I'm lining up the ducks right now, because I'm stronger than this and if he wants a fight he's got one coming, I will not allow him to screw me or my life up anymore. He sent me a couple of texts today, I didn't reply, couldn't be bothered and changed his name in my phone to cunt... Felt really good doing that!! The more I think of it the more I'm convinced there's somebody else but I decided today that I don't actually care...I'm still sad and emotional but ready to move on...
Bring it on...

loobyloo1234 Mon 04-Jul-16 16:46:03

OP grin
My ex is in my phone as Shithead ... I used to love it when he text me ... made me much stronger

You will be ok - you are already one step ahead of him and that is key. Hope you have a better day at work tomorrow smile

Lost74 Mon 04-Jul-16 17:06:14

Thanks looby, to be honest I feel a lot stronger that's two fingers up to him, what a loser...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now