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Boyfriend of 8 years doesn't want to do anything with me

(47 Posts)
Aryabis Sun 03-Jul-16 17:44:52

We have been together for 8 years we were young when we got together I was 15 and he 17, the first 2 years wasn't nice lots cheating but then things got better. I know people will say I was stupid but I loved him he was my first and I believed he would change and he did. He no longer cheats he's no longer a reckless young boy he is focused on the future and being happy but that seems like all he cares about all he talks about is making money to start a business so we can have a good life and of course I want these things too so I support him. I currently don't have a job due to health problems so I restore old furniture I find to make a little income for myself, most days am left with a list of things he needs me to do whilst he is unable to at work which I try my best to do but when he comes home and I haven't done the things he needed me to he gets snappy with me and acts like I've been sat at home doing nothing and doesn't see that I've been sanding and painting etc all day and completely forgot. Most nights when he comes home he eats and goes straight to bed which is currently in the spare room as I apprently move a lot during the night and on occasions have kicked him and punched him and he says he cannot sleep in a bed with someone. On his days off he mostly goes and spends it with friends and if he is at home we don't do anything unless it is in a group but never alone unless it's to the supermarket. We have never been on a holiday together in 8 years I have been on 2 without him both with family and he 2 with friends but every year I say we should go on a holiday and he says we can't afford it he says he needs to save for the future but it makes me sad that he won't live for today I worry we never will. I say it doesn't have to be somewhere luxurious it can be cheap and cheerful he just says don't I care about how he feels that he's working hard for our future but not so long ago he was going on a 4 day holiday to Spain with his friends only didn't go because his passport didn't arrive in time. We hardly speak much anymore and hardly ever have sex he watches a lot of porn and seems to prefer that than me as the moment my back has turned to make a cup of tea or have a quick shower he has already gone to "bed". I'm not overweight but not skinny but I seem to be his type and if I do try and have sex with him he definitely does get turned on. We see each other for no more than 2 hours a day which I understand as he works but it's more his attitude recently that is worrying me that in them 2 hours we do see each other he barely speaks to me no hugs or kisses he doesn't care that all these things hurt me it always leads to an argument I've tried everything I can think of pretending to like the porn he watches which isn't anything creepy just not what turns me on I've tried getting him outfits he might like, learning to cook some new dishes he likes as I'm not much of a good cook I've started working out more to get in better shape. Nothing is making a difference I don't know what to do anymore I can imagine my life without him but I'm starting to think he'd be just fine without me.

nilbyname Sun 03-Jul-16 17:48:49

Sounds miserable, why bother? You both deserve happiness why not go out there and find it?

BolshierAryaStark Sun 03-Jul-16 17:50:50

This isn't a relationship, I'm sorry. You need to end it & go find someone who makes you happy, life is so short-please don't waste any more of it.

ElspethFlashman Sun 03-Jul-16 17:51:19

He's outgrown the relationship and it has no future. Sorry.

BIWI Sun 03-Jul-16 17:56:21

Sorry, but why on earth do you debase yourself trying to please someone like this, who clearly doesn't respect you?

Move on!

You're still young and you have your whole life in front of you. Find someone worth of you, who will love you for what you are.

Greengreenleaf Sun 03-Jul-16 17:59:19

Lovely move on. I know he is 'all you know' but there is a whole other world of people and happiness out there for you. This is never going to suddenly get better .

Hensintheskirting Sun 03-Jul-16 18:05:05

It sounds to me like your life without him would be much more enjoyable. You're really young, dump him and move on. You're no getting anything at all from the relationship as far as I can see. Surely you can see that too?

quicklydecides Sun 03-Jul-16 18:09:08

God you wouldn't believe how much fun life can be.
Single, or in a relationship, life is FUN.
Did you not know that?
Dear God you are so young to be so miserable.
Don't you have friends? A mother? Sisters? They must have begged you to leave this existence.

loobyloo1234 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:09:16

You're so young OP. Stop wasting your time in this relationship. Sounds like it'll eventually end in tears anyway as he has checked out. You will be ok ... and better off out of this

raisedbyguineapigs Sun 03-Jul-16 18:09:56

You need to end this. You are so young and have never been on your own. Do you have family?

newname99 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:14:24

You are both so young and what was a teenage romance seems to have dragged on.What was your life like growing up? 15 is so young to say you have met your life partner.

What are your as ambitions in life? Are you likely to able to work as it would help you to feel less dependant on him.

PotteringAlong Sun 03-Jul-16 18:16:45

End it and leave. You're in your early 20's. Life is far too short.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sun 03-Jul-16 18:20:29

He doesn't appreciate you or treat you right anymore. Believe me, this is not the man you want around when you're having children or getting older. You're not even happy now.

As hard as it is, it's time to let this one go and leave the way open for someone better to come into your life. The longer you delay the fewer opportunities there will be (although there are lots now!). And it will be damaging your self-esteem a lot to be treated so poorly.


raisedbyguineapigs Sun 03-Jul-16 18:22:46

You are 23 now, the average life expectancy is 85 and rising. Can you imagine living like this for another 62 years? If not, it will end at some point. Better now while you are young and can learn about yourself than later if you are tied to him by children and houses. And I agree re: work. Could you get an apprenticeship or something in carpentry or furniture making or something?

Aryabis Sun 03-Jul-16 18:25:00

Thanks for your responses. I find it really hard to except I have said many times that I'm done but he always says he's just stressed and that he doesn't like his job and he wants better for both of us and things like a holiday aren't as important as the future. We live with my family so he's so involved he's really close with my whole family. In the beginning I had to keep the relationship a secret because they didn't like him but now they love him so I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because I don't want them to hate. I don't have many friends im very close with my sister but we don't talk about relationships or that sort of stuff and one of my best friends live with her so I can't talk to her because I don't want my sister to know. When things are going good were really happy but he goes through stages of being distant like this but then other times really loving people who know us say we were made for each other and that he's so devoted to me so it's hard and that it's like we met in a past life. I just really want to be believe it's stress and i don't know how to deal with it

MollyTwo Sun 03-Jul-16 18:27:31

He's outgrown the relationship and it has no future. Sorry.

Sorry but this. You both were just kids when you got together and now growing up have different views on life. There's nothing wrong with him wanting to earn more money or be ambitious, he doesn't need to settle for a life of just getting by. At the same time , you don't need to accept a life where he gives you a list of chores to do. This isn't a good or healthy relationship by far.

RainIsAGoodThing Sun 03-Jul-16 18:27:35

I was in a relationship like this in my late teens/early twenties. It was all I knew and I thought this was just how relationships were. We never end out, never went on holiday. Id suggest a cafe or a festival that looked good and he'd book to go with mates instead.

One night I went out with friends and was chatted up by a good looking city boy who was begging to take me out to a fancy restaurant. I was having none of it of course, and I'm not impressed by that stuff anyway, but it got me thinking that there was much more to life than laying next to someone's back in silence after watching them play 3 hours of tomb raider.

Please break up with him. I promise that there is a world out there full of fun and laughter and excitement and joy. Go and find it.

I was worried about finding love again too, until I realised there's lots of different types of love - love of friends, of your career, of travelling, of a cause you're passionate about, of your art or craft. And in the midst of finding all of those loves, I also found DP. Whose back I never have to lay next to in silence smileflowers

loobyloo1234 Sun 03-Jul-16 18:28:54

OP. He already sleeps in a separate room to you? Do you want this for the rest of your life? Please write a list of pros and cons. I think you'll see far more cons of staying with your DP. You are trying to change yourself to make him want you. He should want you regardless? Listen to the advice given here, most of us have been here before I'm sure. Stop flogging this dead horse

ChicRock Sun 03-Jul-16 18:36:31

It sounds like you're just two completely different people.

You're happy pottering around at home, he's out at work all day. You want cheap and cheerful holidays (are you offering to pay for your share of these?) and for him to "live for today", he wants to earn and save hard for the future.

I don't blame him one bit for not wanting to sleep with you if you kick and punch him in your sleep.

This relationship is dead in the water.

MistressDeeCee Sun 03-Jul-16 18:47:47

I think if you don't leave him, he will leave you anyway. He's not interested at all. Sorrysad It may not seem so now, but after the sadness of your split will eventually come a time when you find you are over it. Wasting your life over an indifferent man is a futile road to joyless future years. You can do better

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Sun 03-Jul-16 18:49:00

I think it's unfair to say he's 'outgrown' the relationship, as if he's too mature for it now. He doesn't sound in any way mature. 'He's not a keeper' would be more accurate.

Lighteningirll Sun 03-Jul-16 18:55:07

I'm so sorry but I am going to echo the other posters it's already over he just can't face telling you. Get a job, any job, you need a life outside of this and start to live your life. If it's meant to be you'll end up together but if you just let this carry on he is going to end up hating you. Be brave there's a fantastic life waiting for you out there.

nilbyname Sun 03-Jul-16 19:02:33

Is this the life you want? To me, and it's only my opinion, it sounds like such a small life and so limited.

Your partners takes very little interest in you, watches some porn (a lot?) and is working towards the future? But what future when the here and now is so lack lustre? Is this as good as it's going to get?

You have youth on your side and when that's gone, it's truly gone. Don't live a life of regrets, when there is a fork in the road- TAKE IT!

AyeAmarok Sun 03-Jul-16 19:05:04

Good relationships are not like this.

There's a whole world of love and fun out there.

This relationship isn't making you feel secure and happy, it's time to end it.

carben Sun 03-Jul-16 19:07:03

I would say that for the sake of some self esteem and to get you out into the world you need to get some sort of job or look into starting a small business restoring furniture. Surely if you're able to do this now as a hobby during much of the day you could work. Then you can start to make other choices about where your life is heading and who with.

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